Dumbledore's Folly
by Nenfea
Summary: The Fellowship go to Hogwarts as the result of a stupid bet by Dumbledore. Elizabeth finds out she's a witch, so Will and Jack follow her to Hogwarts. Somehow Buffy ends up in the mix too. Mild insanity follows.
1. The Bet

Disclaimer-I don't own HP, LOTR, POTC or any other random things I might happen to put in here. I wish I did, I especially wish I owned Jack Sparrow, but alas, it is not so.

Okay all you happy people, this is my first real fic. This chapter is really short; I just want to see if you like it. Review and I write. If you all hate it, I'll stop. Thanks to SiriusSweetie7 for helping me come up with the basic plot, but all this is my writing, not hers. So, R/R, hope you like and on with the show!

Hogwarts' New Students

"I don't like the feeling in the air. It is tense. Tempers will break tonight," Legolas commented. He was the oldest first year Hogwarts had ever taken on, currently being about 6000 years old. He still didn't get why he was here, but he wasn't about to argue with The Valar.

"I know, people seem to have no respect for each other. Look at those two over there, the ones dueling. I didn't know we were allowed to do that. That looked painful," Frodo remarked as the sneering blond boy flew backwards and hit the wall, propelled by a beam from the dark haired boy.

"Good shot Harry!" The redhead cheered.

"You are so vile," a girl standing next to him complained. "Really, I can't believe you would sink to his level. I realize he pushed Harry too far this time, but this is no way to react. It's what he wanted. If we had gone to Professor McGonagall we could have gotten him in big trouble. You need to stop letting your temper get the better of you,"

"You sound like my mum talking to dad, you know that? It's disgusting," the redhead shot back.

"Do they have anything to drink?" asked Pippin anxiously, paying no attention to the conversation. "I'm parched. We've been walking a mighty long way,"

"Pip, we rode on a watchyacallit, a train, for the last three hours and you bought all the Pumpkin Juice the nice lady with the trolley had. We haven't walked much for days, we were on a ship before the train, then we had horses," Merry replied.

"I'm still thirsty!" Pippin complained,

"Where's the honor in a fight like that?" Aragorn asked, looking with disgust at the two boys dueling. "There's none! No passion no-"

"Arrie, learn how to shut your mouth. I'm hungry. Let's find food," Gimli strode towards the Great Hall with the rest of the Fellowship trailing behind. Even though the eight were first-years, Dumbledore had thought they might be daunting to the younger students, so they wouldn't be joining their classmates until the sorting began.

"Mr. Frodo, are you doing all right?" Sam asked in a worried tone. "Was the train alright? I know you don't like that new-fangled machinery, do you need to sit down,"

"I'm fine, Sam. I appreciate your concern, but I need some room. The train was fine, I'm all right,"

"No, you're not all right!" Sam burst out. "You've been moody ever since we got here. What's the matter?"

"NOTHING, Sam. I'll be alright,"

"Hmm, not as clean as Minas Tirith, larger than Edoras. I suppose it will have to do." Gandalf remarked as he inspected the hall. He slowly made his way towards the staff table, as he would be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. The rest of the students began to enter the hall, though the two who had been fighting were absent. The Fellowship listened to the talk of the younger folk (aka eavesdropped).

"Did you see Snape? Those two are in for it. I feel bad for Potter though. He's going to be expelled for sure. I like him,"

"Malfoy was clobbering him, you great prats at Gryffindor could never take on a Slytherin,"

"You take that back or-"the redhead was interrupted as the girl next to him clapped her hand over his mouth as the boy he had been replying to sniggered. It was the same two who had been watching the duel.

"Or you'll what? Lost your temper and be expelled too? I'm sure your parents would be thrilled if that happened, now wouldn't they?" the boy blushed to the roots of his hair. "Come on" the girl pulled him to one of the four long tables and sat down, her long dirty blond hair swinging behind her.

"Well," Gimli remarked. "That was interesting.

Dumbledore watched the Fellowship troop into the hall. He sighed. _Why did I make that stupid bet? _He wondered yet again. His mind wandered back three years to the night it had all started. It was Friday and he had been over to Iluvatar's for poker. It was their tradition to play poker every other Friday. After they had both downed a couple glasses of ale, they had gotten to talking about the state of Middle Earth. The War of the Ring was just beginning, the players to appear.

"I'll bet ya that little hobbit thing will never destroy the Ring, not in a million years," Dumbledore had slurred. "Middle Earth will never survive,"

"I'll take that bet. Loser takes nine people of the other's choosing for a year," Iluvatar had replied. He had been looking forward to getting rid of the Fellowship, Dumbledore now knew.

"Sure," Dumbledore had grinned, thinking he would get rid of the Weasley twins. The two shook on it, and then began the bargain as to who those lucky nine would be. It ended up so-if Dumbledore lost; he would take Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin. If Iluvatar lost he would take Ron, Harry, Hermione, Fred and George Weasley, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Lee Jordan. Dumbledore had forgotten about the bet until about two months ago, when Iluvatar had sent him a letter.

Dear Dumbledore,

Frodo destroyed the ring. You lose. They will arrive September 1st, at your start of term, with the exception of Boromir, who passed away. His replacement will be sent shortly. Good luck. 

Iluvatar

Iluvatar

P.S. You're in for it unless you can feed four hobbits seven times a day.

P.P.S. I laugh at your misfortune

"Excuse me Sir, you might want to begin your speech. Everyone is ready." Dumbledore looked up in surprise at the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Another letter from Iluvatar had suggested him, and as no one else had applied, here he was.

"Thank you Gandalf."


	2. The New Students

Chapter Two-I Don't Know What To Call This

Thank you to Suuki Aldrea, my only reviewer so far. This chap is dedicated to you. Just so you know this is set around the beginning of the fourth year, but there won't be a Triwizard Tournament because that would be too hard to work into the story. Again r/r and on with the show!

Ron and Hermione looked up as Dumbledore stood and smiled over the school.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Hopefully this year we may stuff our heads full of knowledge. Let the sorting begin!" McGonagall led the line of terrified 1st years through the hall. As they passed the two Gryffindors a group of seven joined the end of the line. Four looked completely normal, but two were far too tall, and one of them had a beard.

"Who are they?" Ron whispered to Hermione. "They're not 1st years. If they are then I'm a green mitten."

"I don't know. Dumbledore will probably explain," Hermione replied. Ron nodded, but he wasn't satisfied. Professor McGonagall pulled out a scroll and began to read off the names a students.

"Aragorn son of Arathorn," Ron and Hermione shared a confused glance, but looked up as one of the two tall men came forward. He looked slightly skanky and had dark, dirty hair. He put the sorting hat on and waited for a few moments.

"GRYFFINDOR!" The sorting went on. In the end there were six new Gryffindors, Aragorn, Samwise Gamgee, Rose Wagner, Hava Thompson, Sara Chin, and Danny Muldoon. There were seven new Hufflepuffs, the most interesting being Gimli son of Gloin, who had a full beard, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Frodo Baggins and Peregrin Took, all of whom had large hairy feet and weren't wearing shoes. Ravenclaw was sporting six new students, with two who were both very strange. There was Legolas Greenleaf, who was very tall and had long blond hair, and Elizabeth Turner, who looked far too old to be there. The Slytherins had eight new students, but none of them seemed much different from the normal crew of idiots they had at Slytherin.

"Weird bunch this year," Ron commented. "The beardy weirdy looks like some kind of dwarf. And why do they all have long hair?"

"I don't think you should make fun of people just because they're different from you, but I have to agree that something's up. There's just too many people who aren't normal," Hermione replied, watching Merry and Pippin as they stared hungrily at their empty plates. She leaned over to Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown who were both staring unashamedly at Legolas. "That Peregrin Took's really cute," she remarked. The three girls bent over and began giggling over the new boys. They had just reached the age when hormones were beginning to kick in and it showed. A lot. Actually, most of the girls in the hall were staring and giggling at one or another of the new arrivals. Parvati's sister's eyes were riveted on Aragorn, while Merry and Pippin were gaining many of the "oh aren't they just so cute" looks. Frodo was staring into nothingness and muttering a little. Ernie Macmillon later said he was saying something about fire and an eye. Some of the boys were looking very jealous, but Ron just seemed disgusted.

"Honestly, those two look like they're about to die if they don't get fed, but the lady on the Hogwarts Express said they bought all of her food. And ate it all!"

"So they're the ones who did it,"

"Harry!" Ron turned and watched the dark-haired boy slide into the seat next to him. "How did it go?"

"Not too bad actually, considering it was Snape. He couldn't expel me without McGonagall, and she was here at the sorting. I got detention every night for a month though." Harry grimaced. "I can't believe him! He wouldn't even listen to me! Malfoy said I called his parents Death Eaters for no reason, but he was the one who call my mum and dad pathetic half-breed mudbloods! 'They deserved to die if they couldn't protect themselves'. Then, he said I was the one who attacked him! I was only defending myself!"

"Breath Harry. Breathing is good. Inhale, exhale," Ron advised.

"Stop it" Harry brushed him away.

"You should listen to him you know. Breathing is good,"

"Who on earth are you?"

"I'm the narrator. And I can make you breath. Your very life is in my hands. Now breath,"

"But I don't want to," Harry protested, when he began breathing very obviously and slowly. "Fine! I'll breath. But you'll pay for this one day," the obvious breathing stopped.

"Good. But you can never get back at me. Remember, I control everything you do," the narrator pointed out.

"Yeah, well-"Harry was cut off as Dumbledore stood again.

"Before we eat, I have an important announcement. We have some foreign students this year. It is a first for Hogwarts, and though some of them are older than you, please treat them with the same respect you would give to all of your other classmates. In their culture, children don't go to school as soon. If Legolas Greenleaf, Aragorn son of Arathorm, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Samwise Gamgee, Frodo Baggins and Gimli son of Gloin would please stand, we would like to welcome you to England and Hogwarts," the aforementioned students rose and the rest of the students applauded politely, though some of the females had a slightly more enthusiastic reaction. "Also, I would like to introduce out new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor White. He accompanied our new students." The new teacher stood up. His robes were white instead of black, and his hat was a little old-fashioned, but he wasn't as strange as the others.

"At least it's not someone like Lockhart," Ron commented under the applause. "Maybe he'll be like Lupin. I hope so."

"Yeah. Maybe the stupid narrator will do something right for once," Harry replied, but was cut off from saying anything else when his face started turning purple and blotchy. Then pink and spotted.

"Remember I'm always here," the narrator pointed out, "I never go away. Don't even try to insult me,"

"Okay," Harry managed to gasp out. His face promptly became its normal color again. The applause for Professor White was short, and Dumbledore began to speak again.

"I know you're all hungry," he commented with a look at Merry and Pippin. "So let the feast begin," with that food appeared on all the tables, and the hall was almost silent except for the sound of people eating for a few moments.


	3. And now for something completely differe

Thanks for all your pretty reviews! I have more than one person reading my fic! Okay, We're going over to POTC now, I'll try to make this one longer, but it might not happen. Sorry for all the random Wallflowers quotes, I'm listening to it right now. Oh yeah, and kudos to anyone who knows what who or what the Sunday Silence was. So, the show must go on!

Oh yeah, and the disclaimer and all that, not mine, just the plot and bad dialogue.

"Ho! Jack! Jack!" Will Turner ran over the dock, his boots clicking against the hard wood as he searched for the absent captain. A young sailor poked his head up from below decks in a nearby boat.

"You! Keep your voice down," he ordered.

"Me?" Will asked, confused.

"Yes you. I can take ye to Jack,"

"What? Where?" Will ran to the sailor. "He was supposed to be here weeks ago. He did tell us the right day to be looking for him, right?"

"Yes, you were informed correctly. The Commodore got wind that he was coming to Port Royal, so he had to hide for a bit. Follow me," the sailor led Will down into the ship and through a maze of hallways and cabins.

"Are you sure you don't need to blindfold me?" Will muttered.

"That won't be necessary, that's what the passages are for," the narrator replied.

"Who are you?" Will asked, looking up.

"Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu. How long an hour can take When you're staring into open space, when I feel I'm slipping further away, I remember that everyday, I get a little bit closer to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. What? Did you say something?" the narrator asked.

"Who are you and what are you singing?"

"I'm sorry too but don't give up on me- Oh, I'm the narrator and I'm singing Closer to You by the Wallflowers. Wait, maybe I shouldn't be telling you about the music of the future. Forget everything I just said,"

"Who were you talking to?" the sailor asked.

"Me? I wasn't talking to anyone. You must be hearing things," Will replied. Finally they reached a small closet of a room and the sailor knocked thrice upon the door.

"Hehe, funny language,"

"Who's there?" came a familiar voice from inside.

"It's me Cap'n. I've got Mr. Turner with me sir," The door promptly opened and Jack stuck his head out.

"Thank you Jake. Come in Will," Will hurried inside and the Jack closed the door. He surveyed the small room. It was neat as a pin, though there was hardly room for a mess.

"Isn't anything of yours ever messy?" he asked.

"Of course not, he's Captain Jack Sparrow, the perfect man and perfect match for-" the narrator stopped as both men stared at the ceiling.

"Forget I just said that," they stopped staring.

"Anyway, I've been looking for you for days. I guess my scouts were just never outside at the same time as you. I couldn't get out to visit you and Elizabeth because out dear friend Norrington knows I'm supposed to be here. And that you're supposed to be visiting me. Lucky us," Jack grimaced.

"Well, I need to talk to you too. Elizabeth is missing,"

"What? Again?" Jack asked, looking surprised. "There's no Captain Barbossa to capture her again. Do you know what happened?"

"No. All I have is this letter she left on her dresser before she left,"

"Can I see it?"

"Yes, here it is," Will handed Jack an envelope of all things, one that had a very strange seal looking strangely like Hogwarts'. He opened it, and inside were two pieces of paper. The first read as follows.

Dear Miss Swan,

We are pleased to tell you that you have been admitted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We are sorry for the inconvenience this might cause at your age, but we have only recently discovered a technique of transporting prospective witches and wizards from the past. These personages would otherwise not have been contacted, or informed that they had magic of any sort if we did not send these letters. You are our first attempt, as we thought it wise not to try this the first time with a child. If you accept our invitation to join us, please go to the ninth pier from the left on September 1st at 11:00 sharp. You will be given further directions from there. Thank you,

Albus Dembledore

Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster

"I can't make anything of it," Jack admitted. "It sounds like some kind of joke, but it's too detailed. Let's have a look at the other one," Jack picked up the second piece of paper. It was a list. "Standard Book of Spells, Grade 1? By Miranda Goshawk? This is definitely too detailed to be a joke. But, what can we do?"

"I don't know, I would have thought you would have an idea. You always do,"

"And he still does. You're going to go down to the pier. And he never runs out of ideas. He's perfect," the narrator announced. "YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! I love this song. Oh yeah, and you didn't hear any of that Will, but Jack just thought it in his head. Thank you and good night. How soft a whisper can be,"

"Wait. I have an idea now. Maybe we should go to the pier!"

"You always know what to do, Jack. You always plan these things from the very beginning!"

"Of course he does! He's Captain Jack Sparrow!" the narrator whispered. The two paused.

"Did you hear something?" asked Will.

"No, mate, you must be hearing things. Not a surprise," he muttered under his breath. They left the ship, which Will soon learned was actually the Black Pearl with a new paint job so as not to be recognized. They reached the ninth pier eventually, but it took some time because Will said it was two over, but when they got there they realized it was where the Pearl had been. Thanks Will.

"So what do we do now? It's not like a piece of paper is just going to blow out of nowhere into our faces that tells us where she went," Will commented. Just then, a small piece of paper blew out of nowhere right into his face. He looked at it.

The second to last ship from the end of the pier is the one you want. The captain will explain further.

Albus Dumbledore

"Will, you are just so brilliant you know that," the narrator smiled at him. "If you keep saying stupid stuff like that, it just might keep coming true, ya know? Oh yeah, and neither of you heard that,"

"I cannot believe that just happened. You should say stupidly obvious stuff more often Will," Jack remarked. "Now let's go see whose ship that is, if it's the same one. It's been almost four hours since she "left", but we may still find something," Will and Jack walked to the end of the dock and looked at the second to last ship. It was of medium size, and looked like a trading vessel of some kind.

"I know that ship! It' the Sunday Silence! Her captain is a friend of mine. He works sugarcane trade from here to England. He won't mind a visit from his old mate, I'm sure. Let's just drop in shall we?"

Elizabeth looked at the doorway with mixed feelings. Captain Bill said it was a portal to England, but in another time. It seemed hard to believe, but a joke would hardly go this far. It would do no harm to just walk through the door, would it? Elizabeth took one last look at the Captain. He looked solemn.

"Good luck, Lady Elizabeth. You must be special indeed if Dumbledore would want you to be the first to try this. When you get to the other side, a friend of mine'll be waiting for ye. His name's Hagrid. Now he's a big fellow, but don't be scared. He wouldn't hurt a fly. He'll show ye where to go and he'll have your things for ye. Off ye go now," he waved her towards the door. She looked at it one last time, closed her eyes and stepped through. It felt as though she were being sucked down a drain. She whirled down, farther and farther, then it felt as though she were going back up. She instinctively pulled her elbows in and glued her legs together. Suddenly, it was over. The feeling stopped and Elizabeth fell out of a doorway on to her hands and knees.

"There ye are," came a deep voice from high above her. "I been wondering when ye would get here,"

To be continued...Because I have writers block and have to take a shower. Thanks for reading, it's my longest chap yet, and if you review I'll write more. So go on, REVIEW!


	4. Many Meetings aka Make New Friends

Sorry it's been so long since the last update, but I've been busy, lots of homework, an extremely busy week, then I had science fair regionals and a swim meet this weekend. Painful pain. Hopefully there's still someone reading besides my friends, but you never know. From now on I'm going to try to update once a week, but my chapters will be longer. So, the bad guys will be introduced soon, Jack and Will will be in the story again and life will be good, so be happy. Also, sorry about the part with Elizabeth and POTC being out of sync time wise, but I didn't start writing it until after I had about two chapters of the rest done. Too bad. This chap is dedicated to SiriusSweetie7 and YouKnowWho, . YouKnowWho, are you the sister of SiriusSweetie? I can't tell if you're her sister or her. Anyway, this is dedicated to you two happy people from the insane mitten who's soulmate is Craig...I think. Also dear SiriusSweetie, I am so not amused at the beginning of your review. That is so not cool. ROTK got 11 Academy Awards!!! YAY! Anyway, on with the show!

It was Gandalf's first day of teaching. Currently the fourth years were testing his patience.

"Does anyone know what a Balrog of Morgoth is?" He asked. Silence. "Anyone? No. Well. That could make it rather difficult to teach you how to destroy one," Gandalf sighed. It was going to be a long day. A very long day.

"What is he talking about Merry? I forgot," Merry glared at Pippin.

"Pip, it's only been one minute since the last time you asked,"

"Yeah, but I fell asleep again. What is he talking about? And can you remember what comes after 'Way back when I was just a little bitty boy' in Albuquerque? Cause I can't." Pippin started humming the song.

" It's 'living in a box in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop, you know the place' and he's talking about The Goblin Uprising of-"

"Goblins? Uprising? Against who, the dwarves? They already took over Moria!" Pippin scoffed.

"Pip, you have to remember that things are different here. There is no such thing as Moria here. Remember what Dumbledore told us?" Merry reminded Pippin of the meeting the Fellowship had had with the Headmaster after the feast the previous night. They had all been given wands, with the exception of Gandalf, who had preferred to keep his staff. They had also been warned about speaking of Middle Earth in public, and of some of the differences between Earth and Middle Earth.

"Oh, yeah. So they were rebelling against the wizards and-"

"Excuse me Mister...?" Professor Binns had heard their conversation (finally, they had been talking since the beginning of class) and was staring at the two guilty hobbits.

"Took," Pippin mumbled.

"Mister Took, if you and Mister...?"

"Brandybuck," Merry supplied.

"Mister Brandybuck would see me after class, we have to schedule your detentions. Now please refrain from talking and listen to the lecture," The ghost turned and resumed his post at the front of the classroom, droning on about the goblins. Merry and Pippin were slightly confused though.

"What's detention?" Pippin whispered. Professor Binns glared at him and Merry didn't answer.

"Mr. Malfoy, would you please be so kind as to stop staring at my staff and pay attention. Or to you want to see the end light up again?" Gandalf asked Malfoy.

"Sorry professor," he mumbled. Gandalf resumed the lecture. After a few minutes, Malfoy slowly began to rip a bit form the edge of his parchment, then waited. When he was sure the professor had not heard anything, he quickly wrote,

This guy is so old fashioned he still has a staff. Look at the state of his robes! The bottom is completely covered in mud! He's almost as bad as old Loony Lupin. And he has horrible taste! White robes. It's disgraceful! What an idiot.

Then he passed it to Crabbe.

"Is there something you would like to share with the whole class Mr. Malfoy?" the boy looked up, startled.

"No Professor White," he replied.

"Well then Mr. Crabbe does not need to know either. It I may have that?" the professor took the paper. "And see me at the end of class."

"I can't believe that dirt bag gave me detention!" Malfoy fumed. "I could get father to fire him for that! I bet he doesn't even know Lumos, the old coot. How could Dumbledore hire someone like him!"? Malfoy continued to rant as he, Crabbe and Goyle headed for Double Potions with the Gryffindors. "He doesn't even deserve to be called a professor. Mr. White is more like it, or Idiot White!" Malfoy snorted. Suddenly, two small blobs came speeding out of the crowded hallway.

"For the Shire!" yelled one.

"For my old Gaffer!" screamed the other. Malfoy dropped like a rock as the two creatures beat on his back. But Crabbe and Goyle waded in and threw the two offending parties at the wall. One hit with a crack, the other with a thud and both slid to the ground. They tried to get up, but one could only use one hand, and every time the other tried to get up, he went cross-eyed for a moment, then fell back down. Crabbe and Goyle looked smug as they sneered at their handiwork. But their glory was short-lived.

"For FRODO! cam a deep voice as Aragorn led Legolas and Gimli in a full frontal assault. They would not stand by and let the poor defenseless hobbits be attacked by larger and stronger foes, in a battle that was doomed from the beginning. The five grappled for a few minutes, gathering a crowd. Malfoy stood anxiously on the edge of the fray, watching nervously for a chance to use his wand.

"EXCUSE ME!" a magically magnified voice rang out. The combatants froze. McGonagall had appeared. "What is going on here?"

"Oooooooh, you're all in trouble now! I get a little bit closer to YYYYYYYYooouuuuu! Sorry, it's my favorite song," the narrator was back. Again.

"They attacked me!" Malfoy pointed indignantly at Sam and Frodo who had finally managed to stand up and were coming to reenter the brawl.

"He was insulting Gandalf!" Frodo shot back.

"You're on first name terms with one of the teachers?" Malfoy asked.

"Yes, he happens to be a very good friend of mine. Is there a problem with that?"

"Please stop the bickering. Does anyone else have anything to tell me?" McGonagall looked around.

"His two bully boys were beating on Sam and Frodo," Legolas put in, then began humming "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" absentmindedly.

"So we came to save them," Gimli started to say, but then caught full sight of McGonagall for the first time and froze with his mouth hanging down to about, oh, his ankles. "Why, my lady. They speak of your intelligence, but I have never heard of your beauty. You are in fact more beautiful than even Galadriel of Lothlorien!" The assembled crowd giggled and McGonagall's cheeks tinged pink.

"Thank you for that assessment Gimli. Now, are you two all right?" she directed the question at Sam and Frodo.

" I think my wrist might be broken Professor," Sam replied. "But I'm fine. Mr. Frodo is the one who needs help. He hit his head something terrible!"

"I'm fine Sam!"

"Well, you two go up to the hospital wing. Do you know where it is?" the hobbits shook their heads, or rather, Sam shook his head and Frodo just looked negative as usual. "Potter will show you the way then. And when he's finished, he will come straight back to class," the last comment was directed at a dark-haired boy with bright green eyes, who stepped out of the crowd. It was the boy who had been dueling with Malfoy on the first night.

"Follow me then," he instructed, then led them through the crowd, which parted to let them by. As he passed, some of the other students could have sworn they heard him humming "I Will Survive".

"I'll deal with the rest of you later. See me in my office tonight at 7:00, and tell Sam and Frodo to come too. Thank you," McGonagall then began shooing the students away to their classes, and the hall became a flurry of chaos for a moment. Aragorn and Malfoy glared at each other as they passed, but kept walking.

"Hi, I'm Harry," the boy introduced himself.

"I know you! You're Harry Potter! I read about you on the train. You're the one who brought the downfall of Voldemort! We have a lot in common," Frodo replied. "I'm Frodo by the way, and this is Sam, my best friend,"

"A lot in common?" Harry looked puzzled.

"Oh, like people knowing who we are everywhere we go, being adorable heroes with big cute eyes, "

"Excuse me Frodo, but I don't think you should lie. The only thing you two have in common is that you both like Gloria Gaynor and both of your favorite songs are horrible. I'm amazed that in two days you've managed to find the lamest TV show in the world and become obsessed with it. I mean VeggiTales! And the theme song is just as bad. I can't believe that's your favorite song ever. You have to have more taste than that," the narrator took the opportunity to insult Frodo and Harry as much as possible, as they are the two stupidest heroes in the world.

"Did thin air just insult us?" Harry asked.

"I think it did," Frodo looked around, trying to find the owner of the disembodied voice.

"I'm the narrator. Remember me? Now go to the hospital wing, you're boring,"

"I don't like this narrator figure," Frodo commented.

"I second that," Harry seconded.

"Don't you dare insult Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled. "I don't know who you are, or why you hate Frodo, but stay away from him!" The Narrator shied away from the wrath of Sam, which is a great thing indeed, especially when it involves Frodo. She wisely kept quiet for the rest of the scene.

"Thank you Sam," Frodo complimented. Sam just nodded.

"That was amazing the way you two stood up for Professor White. I like Professor White, but then again, most of the professors I like, Malfoy hates. I only wish I could have been the one to physically attack him. It's always been a dream of mine," Harry stared off into nothingness for a few seconds, a favorite pastime of his.

"Oh! Another common thing between Frodo and Harry! They both enjoy staring into nothingness with their pretty blue eyes. Oh aren't they cute...NOT!!!!!" At this Harry and Frodo decided that they should hurry up and end the scene, because they were sick of being insulted.

"I thought you were going to 'wisely keep quiet for the rest of the scene'? Sam reminded the narrator, who shut up because she couldn't think of anything to say to that, and because she couldn't think of any other way to end the scene.

Elizabeth looked up. And up. And up again, until her eyes finally reached the face of the man standing above her.

"Uh, hello," she replied to his cheery welcome. The man was tall. Very tall. He had thick black hair and a shaggy black beard and was carry a large pink umbrella.

"I'm Hagrid," he announced cheerily. "Ye'r a bit late, but we'll make the train just fine. Follow me," he opened a door to Elizabeth's right and stepped out into a crowd. Elizabeth picked herself up off all fours and followed him out into the noise and bustle. It wasn't hard to pick out Hagrid, as he was so tall, and just as easy to get to him because people were staring suspiciously at her and avoiding getting in her path. She suspected it was her dress, as everyone else was wearing strange blue pants of a rough quality and very loose, plain shirts with extremely short sleeves. Elizabeth felt obviously out of place. She caught up with Hagrid quickly.

"Don't worry, we'll get you into some decent clothes soon. Now, the barrier to Platform 9 and ¾ is just through that wall. Follow exactly what I do, and you'll be fine," Hagrid walked straight at a wall and disappeared into it. Elizabeth gasped, and stopped for a moment, then realized she should follow his example. Her setting was strange enough, why not walking through walls? The young woman strode forward confidently and passed through the wall safely. On the other side was a long red thing, with different sections, the front and back ones being different from the rest. Steam was issuing from a pipe at the top and it was making a great racket. On the side it said _Hogwarts Express_. The area around it was filled with children young and old, parents, trunks, owls, cats and even a toad or two.

"Elizabeth!" Hagrid yelled to her left. She joined him. "This is a train. It travels faster than a ship, and it doesn't rock half as much. It's quite safe, don't mind it. Now this is Hermione. You stay with her and she'll tell you about everything and what to do. Also, you don't need to worry about having clothes or a trunk. We've already gotten all of your things. I need to be going, but I'll see you at Hogwarts!" With that he was off, wading through the crowds and greeting other children.

"Hello then. I'm Hermione. I'm just starting my fourth year at Hogwarts. It's wonderful!" this came from a slightly buck-toothed girl with bushy brown-blond hair and carrying a large armful of books.

"I'm, uh, Elizabeth Turner. Are you sure that train thing is safe?"

"Oh yes," Hermione replied, laughing. "I've been on them many times. All of this is perfectly normal for this time. Don't worry, we'll get you settled in no time,"

"What year exactly is it?" Elizabeth asked, half not wanting to know the answer.

"The year 2002. Come with me, we'll find a compartment to ourselves and- you can change into something slightly more suitable," Hermione eyed Elizabeth's dress critically. Elizabeth blushed furiously and followed the girl to one of the compartments. Inside was a small bag on a seat. It was filled with the strange clothes people were wearing.

"Okay, this is a t-shirt," Hermione began, pulling out one of the loose shirts. This one said, "Eat my bubbles" and had bubbles all over it. Elizabeth frowned at it, but today had already been weird enough, so she gave up on trying to understand. "And these are jeans," Hermione plunged on, not noticing Elizabeth's small sigh. She took out a pair of the rough blue pants that seemed to be everywhere. "Those are clothes that non-magic people, also known as muggles, wear. There are other kinds, like sweaters and long sleeved shirts, but these are some of the more common ones. This," Hermione produced a long black robe," is what you wear at Hogwarts. They're robes, but I think you could figure that out yourself. You also wear a hat, but I don't have one with me. It's in your trunk. Why don't you get changed into robes for now? I'm going to find some of my friends, but I'll be back soon," she disappeared out the door and Elizabeth was left alone. The train bellowed, and began to move. Elizabeth started and steadied herself on one of the seats. She could hear parents shouting good-byes to their children. Slowly, she stood up and tested her balance. It was fine, the train moved smoothly, nothing like the motion of a ship.

"Well, I guess I should get dressed. Hermione will be back with her friends soon," Elizabeth murmured to herself. She picked up the robe and began a long struggle with it, finally resulting in something similar to her being dressed.

"Finally," came a whisper from the Narrator. "I thought the scene would never end,"

Okay, sorry for changing in the middle of a chapter, but I'm going to try a new format. Let me know what you think; tell me what you like better and I'll try to write more of that. If you don't review and tell, then I'll just do what I like. This can be a democracy if you want it to be. If not, too bad. Okay, the way this works Character: whatever they say(actions are in parentheses) On with the show!

Narrator: Our scene opens with Captain Jack and Will just walking aboard the ship of Jack's friend. They proceed to interrogate Jack's friend Bill in their search for Elizabeth.

Jack: Hello Bill.

Bill: Jack! What can I do ya for? (hugs Jack in approved manly fashion)

Jack: I was wondering if you had seen a young lady of good birth, about yea high (motions with hands). Maybe you've seen her around the docks before now-Lady

Elizabeth Turner? Formerly Elizabeth Swann?

Narrator: As Elizabeth had told Bill that Jack and Will would probably come looking for her, he knew what to do.

Bill: Yes, she was here. I can send ye in the right direction (pauses) But you'll need to change clothes before you can follow her. I guess I'll have to explain some things. (leads Jack and Will farther into the ship)

Wormtail: (humming theme to Digimon and going around doing dear Moldy Voldy's dirty work like a proper groveling, cowardly servant/slave)

Voldemort: (from the other room where strains of the "Jaws" theme song can be heard)

Wormtail! Get your butt in here!

Wormtail: Yes master (Goes into room where Voldy is listening to his favorite C.D, the Jaws soundtrack, and grovels as is expected of someone with as many issues as he has)

Voldy: Do you know what we need this year?

WT: No Master, what do we need Master?

Voldy: An inside spy. All of our past evil plots have failed, but his one will. Potty wee Potter will never expect one of his fellow classmates to turn against him. Find Nagini and instruct her to go to Hogwarts. She is to put two or three of Potter's weaker classmates under the Imperious Curse. They will spy on Harry and give us the proper information we need for destroying him. It's PERFECT! I can't believe I didn't think of it before! (looks as though he expects Wormtail to praise him and generally grovel at his feet for coming up with this absurdly stupid plan)

WT: Neither can I Master (praises Moldy Voldy in exactly the pathetic and idiotic fashion he is looking for) I will do as you say Lord (leaves room humming Digimon. Again.)

Voldy: I still can't believe I picked a minion whose favorite T.V. show is Digimon.

Narrator: You don't really expect this to work, do you? I mean, it's one of your worst plans yet, and they all failed.

Voldy: You stay out of this. If I had had a better Narrator then all my past attempts on Potter's life would have succeeded, or at the very least his friends would have gotten all the credit like they deserved and he would have been left as a humiliated idiot. (glares at nothing) I hate you.

Narrator: Fine, have it your way. Be stubborn. But I'm warning you, Potter has some new friends, and they're wonderful at making it look like some stupid hero did all the work, when really all he did was stand around and look scared. Staring into midair with their big, pretty eyes. It's sick. I'd watch out if I were you...

So what do you think? Do you like the new format? Who do you think Nagini will choose to take over? Do you want me to keep writing? Then REVIEW!!!!!!!!


	5. Bill's Blues

Sorry if it's really bad, but my pathetic semblance of a muse went on vacation and shows no signs of returning. Sorry for having this be lots of POTC, but I needed to catch up. I'll try to get back to Harry and the Fellowship soon. Also, Barrett, please do not refer to me w/that name, do remember this is on the net for everyone to see. This chappie is dedicated to you for finally reading, and I will continue to call dear Moldy Voldy just that. I like it and you can't stop me. Well you probably could. You could stop reviewing, you know where I live and could do something evil, you could stop answering my e-mails, all of those happy things. But please don't. Thank you to all the happy people who reviewed, and thanks to Suuki-Aldrea for being the first person to r/r, and my longest reader. Also, if anyone has a better name for Bill, I will gladly change it. Oh, and sorry if some of this part doesn't quite match up with the beginning, but I hadn't planned anything out then, so forgive me. Also, adding to my disclaimer, I don't own the Hufflepuff part. That belongs to Vivian Kain. I suggest you all read her very beautiful fics, specifically Lucky Day. This chapter is really short, but I put it up fast, so don't kill me. I didn't want to wait and add to it. It's mostly this note actually. Anyway, on with the show. I'm going to have to copyright that phrase soon I've used it so many times.

Narrator: Jack and Will stepped out of the cloakroom and into the crowds and noise of the train station. Both were dazed and confused, still processing all that Bill had told them, and getting used to their uncomfortable tight new clothes, aka jeans and T-shirts.

Will: (shifting nervously and pulling at shirt) These clothes give you no room to breathe! I need to be able to unbutton my shirt to look manly (looks horrified) Did I say that out loud?

Jack: Shut up! It's one of those train things. (A train goes steaming past, slowing and finally stopping at platform 7)

Bill: Yup, the greatest mode of transportation. Except for maybe a plane. But that's beside the point. Now follow me, we need to get out of here and go to my house. (as much to himself as anyone else) I'll send an owl to Dumbledore, then figure out what to do with you two. (starts off into the crowd, Jack and Will hurry to catch up. Soon they reach the parking lot. Jack and Will stared around in awe)

Will: So all these things are cars?

Jack: Righto genius! Now hurry up, Bill's going to leave without us.

Will: He wouldn't!

Jack: I was being sarcastic (gets in Bill's car, and both look astonished as car begins to roll slowly forward. Bill is sighing slightly because of all the looks he's gotten concerning Jack's hair. He had refused to cut or alter it in any way. At least it wasn't as bad as Elizabeth. Will continues to make amazingly stupid observations, such as "Look! It must be a house!" and Jack continues to call him "Captain Obvious". By the end of the drive, Bill has finally discovered what it's like driving with two or three year old siblings, except one is a lot smarter. The other, well, we just don't talk about Will's mental problems)

Bill: okay boys, we're here. Out, out of the car (shoos them out and towards his house)

Will: This is your house? Whoa. It's really big! (stares up at the huge villa rising on the edge of a cliff with a beautiful view of a staggeringly amazing lake **(A/N I have no idea if there is anything like this in England, having never been there myself)** and a shiny black stretch limo parked in front)

Jack: NO! Ya think? (mutters under his breath) Captain Obvious alert.

Will: What'd you say?

Jack: Nothing, nothing at all. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Bill: How did you know about that, the movie wasn't made until way after you were dead!

Jack: What's a movie? And I made up that line myself. Did someone steal it? I'm gonna kill them!!!!!!!! DEATH AND-

Bill: (interrupting) It's fine, I'm sure no one stole your line. Now come with me, I need to send an owl to Dumbledore.

Will: Does everyone here have a house like this?

Jack: Does it look like everyone here has a house like this? (points back at road where tiny bungalows can be seen in the distance)

Will: Ah, YEAH!

Jack: Dumb-butt.

Bill: (pulls them inside) Do I have to separate you two? (both shake heads sullenly) Good. Will, no everyone does not have a house like this one. Dumbledore, the headmaster at Hogwarts gave me this house to operate out of. I need a place to study up on different time periods I'm going to be visiting or temporarily living in. Now stay here and stop bickering. (Goes up the amazing grand staircase made of marble)

Jack: (in the exact fashion which he said "Scarlett!" in the movie) Piano! (runs over to the piano and starts pounding out a little old sailor ditty, even though there were none made for piano at the time)

Will: STOP! That noise is giving me a headache. Here, let my play. Elizabeth taught me some things before she abandoned me. (sits down and starts playing chopsticks)

Jack: That is so pathetic! Watch this. (starts playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with an air of great dignity)

Will: I can play better than that! (plays very short, very easy Minuet in G)

Jack: Yeah, well watch this (plays the Fur Elise, and Will gapes)

Will: How did you learn to play like that?

Jack: You pick up a few things, being around Elizabeth for a while. I would have expected you to have learned something by now. Like this (starts playing Beethoven,

Brahms, Mozart, and any other fancy and difficult looking piece)

Will: Show-off.

Jack: (bowing) Thank you m'dear. I live to show off!

Bill: (coming back down the amazing stairs) I sent an owl to Dumbledore, but he won't get it for a while. I'll get you set up in some of the guest bedrooms. (eyes them) Yes, I think ones on opposite sides of the house will do quite nicely. Follow me! (leads them through the house and sets them up in two rooms. Both continue bickering the whole time. Will gets a nice pink room that he likes a lot and Jack gets one with pictures of monkeys named Jack all over it. How ironic. They settle in to wait for an answer for Dumbledore and continue to drive Bill crazy) Help me.

Narrator: That's the cue to cut the scene. Nothing else to see here people, or, translated, that means, I can't think of anything else to write so now the scene ends with this horrible excuse for a cut off.

A/N-I'm going back to story format for a while. Don't know why. Please, tell my which you like better, or I'll keep switching in the middle of chaps. Anyway, On with the show!

"Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Are you...decent?" Hermione's voice came floating through the compartment door and Elizabeth shivered as she was reminded horribly of her father.

"He's haunting me," she whispered. "I'm fine!" she called out loud. The door slid open and Hermione came in with two boys behind her. One was tall with red hair and freckles. The other had dark untidy hair and bright green eyes. Under his bangs Elizabeth could just make out a lightening bolt shaped scar.

"You look good," Hermione complimented Elizabeth. "These are my two best friends, Harry Potter," that was the one with the scar, "And Ron Weasley," they both smiled and shook Elizabeth's hand.

"Anyway Harry, you've got to pick a Quidditch team. You can't just be an amazing player and not support anyone. If you're going to be obsessed with the sport, be obsessed properly!" Ron was saying.

"I don't know what any of the records are, I don't get any of the wizarding news. How could I choose one? And if I wanted to follow their record I would have to get the Daily Prophet. You know how my aunt and uncle would love that," Harry shot back.

"Elizabeth!" Hermione jerked Elizabeth's arm sharply. "I need to tell you some things about Hogwarts before we get there. It shouldn't take long, there're lots of people who're muggle born and have no clue about wizards and witches. I'm muggle born and I picked up quick enough. Now, you're first subject will be..." Hermione continued on describing subjects and professors, but Elizabeth played no attention. She couldn't take her eyes off Ron. It was as though any memories of her dear husband Will had flown out of her head.

"It certainly took her long enough to forget about him. He was always stupid. I'm just glad she picked someone good to fall for. I would have gotten sick narrating a story about Will and Elizabeth being sappy. Elizabeth and Ron being sappy is just so much better," remarked the Narrator.

"Elizabeth!" Hermione's voice jerked Elizabeth out of a daydream about her and Ron. Wow, that was fast. "Are you even listening to me?" Elizabeth looked for a moment like a deer caught in headlights. "Well, it doesn't matter that much. All you really need to know are the four houses. They're Gryffindor (we're all in that), Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. You want to stay clear of Slytherins. They're all horrible, the lot. You might want to avoid Hufflepuff too. I haven't seen that they're contagious yet, but they might be. All a bit of airheads. It's tradition for them to sing Kum-By-Ah before bed. That's about all you need to know. Anything else you two can think of?" she asked Harry and Ron, whose heads both jerked up sheepishly.

"Sorry Professor McGonagall, I didn't hear the question," Ron teased. Hermione didn't have to think of a comeback because at that moment the door opened and Malfoy came round for his traditional visit to Harry, Ron and Hermione. He stood for a moment looking at Elizabeth with a slightly confused look on his face.

"Who's that?" he demanded.

"My name's Elizabeth...Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's household," Elizabeth replied shyly.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing sorry. I'm Elizabeth Turner,"

"Why are you here?"

"I'm a student," Elizabeth replied serenely.

"YOU?" Malfoy asked incredulously. "That's impossible, you're far too old.

"I'm sure Dumbledore will explain if he wants you to know. Now if you would please leave, I have far more important business to attend than to explain to you why I'm chaperoning an adult student to Hogwarts," Hermione retorted and shut the door in Malfoy's face. "That is so satisfying," she remarked. "I've always wanted to do it." She smiled at the stunned looks on everyone's faces and contented herself with looking superior.


	6. Jack goes to HogwartsAttack of the Fangi...

Okay, I know this took a million years, but I had to write a story for school and I went way over the word limit and my "muse" has been very overworked lately. Also, I was reading Seabiscuit and I couldn't stop reading. I don't know how this chapter will turn out, but please forgive me if I keep putting in Bare-Naked Ladies songs, I just got a new CD. Also, this one is really short, but I'll try to update tomorrow or later tonight. I just want to get something up right away, and I want stop writing for a while. Anyway, on with the show!

Narrator: Jack, Will and Bill waited for about a week for Dumbledore's answer. Jack and Will still hated each other and were still driving Bill crazy, who could very often be heard cursing his slow owl. Finally, after days of waiting with nothing to do but eat, sleep, swim, watch TV, play ping-pong and foosball, they received Dumbledore's reply.

Bill: (running downstairs to where Jack and Will are playing foosball. Again) I GOT IT! HE REPLIED! Come here, we need to read this. (Will and Jack stop playing and go huddle around Bill while he opens the letter) YES! Dumbledore says that you can come to Hogwarts. He didn't know he was taking Elizabeth away from her family and he can tell that one of you is a wizard. We'll be going by the floo network, and Hagrid will meet you on the other side. YES! I'M GOING TO GET RID OF YOU! FINALLY! (starts dancing around waving the paper and singing tunelessly about getting rid of them)

Will: Are we really that bad?

Jack: Yup. I can't believe you didn't notice we've been driving him crazy since we got here. You're so stupid.

Will: (glowering) Not as stupid as you!

Bill (noticing for the first time that Jack and Will are about to start bickering again) Come on, not a moment to lose! Get your stuff, pack and meet me in the living room. Hurry, hurry go on! (Will and Jack leave, looking slightly annoyed, but doing what Bill says anyway. Finally they meet in the living room with their bags packed)

Jack: How are we getting there? We're not going on one of those trains are we? (looks suspicious) I'll never trust anything but the Pearl.

Bill: No, you're going by floo powder. (grabs a pinch from the pot he's holding) Okay, so you take a pinch, throw it in the fire and say Hogsmeade. Close your eyes and remember to keep your elbows in. Jack you go first! (Offers Jack the pot)

Jack: (looking dubious) Fine. (takes a pinch of floo powder, and throws it in the fire)

Bill: Now step into the fire and say Hogsmeade! (pushes Jack into the fire)

Jack: Hogsmeade! (disappears and after a minute stumbles out of a completely different fireplace) Where am I?

Hagrid: Hogsmeade! Now get out of the way, Will should' be comin' soon.

Jack: (jumping out of the way) What's Hogsmeade?

Hagrid: It's a town. It's close ter Hogwarts, so all we'll have to do is walk up ter the school.

Will: (falling out of the fireplace, coughing) Where am I?

Jack: Honestly, don't you know anything? Why do you think we said Hogsmeade?

We're in Hogsmeade. Hurry up, I want to get to this school. See what all the fuss is about.

Hagrid: (looking surprised) Well, follow me then.

Narrator: Back on the Hogwarts Express a couple of days ago, the students are just reaching school. Elizabeth joins the first years in the traditional rowing the boats across the lake, and gets sorted into Ravenclaw. After the banquet she heads up towards the dorm with the other Ravenclaws.

Elizabeth: (looking around and talking to no one in particular) It's huge.

Random Ravenclaw #78: Yeah, it's really hard to find your way around at first. I can help you out if you get lost.

Elizabeth: (looking surprised) Thanks! I think I'm going to need it, and I don't seem to be extremely popular because I'm so old.

Random Ravenclaw #78: That does make it difficult to get people to help you out. I'm Amy.

Elizabeth: Elizabeth (shakes hands)

Amy: I'm in fourth year. Why are you starting so late?

Elizabeth: I'm not quite sure. I'm going to talk to Dumbledore tomorrow I think. You're in fourth year? Do you know Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley or Harry Potter?

Amy: (laughing) Who doesn't know Harry Potter? Yeah, I know them. They're really nice. Why?

Elizabeth: Hermione was kinda showing me around on the train. She was really nice.

Amy: Yeah.

Random Ravenclaw Prefect #3: The password is Chimpanzees!

Elizabeth: Password?

Amy: Yeah, you need the password to get into the common room. Don't worry they're really easy to remember. The portrait has an obsession with the Bare-Naked Ladies. Just borrow the CD from someone and you'll be able to remember any of the passwords.

Elizabeth: CD?

Amy: It's a muggle thing that they use to play music. They record music onto it and when they want to hear the music they can play it back.

Elizabeth: (remembering what a muggle is, why a portrait would have passwords and trying to understand Amy's description of a CD, is luckily saved by the portrait opening and the Ravenclaws filing into their common room)

Amy: See you tomorrow. We have different dorms. Yours is the bottom one. Your trunk should already be there. (waves and goes up stairs to girl's dorms)

Elizabeth: (follows)

Narrator: A couple days from now, in Dumbledore's office, we find Will and Jack. They're talking to Dumbledore about what they will be doing at Hogwarts for the next year.

Dumbledore: Jack, I believe that you are a wizard. When we are finished deciding what

Will is going to do, you will be sorted into a house. I'll give you the speech later. Will, what are you going to do? Do you want to stay here, or do you want to be returned to your time?

Will: I will never leave Elizabeth!

Dumbledore: Okay. We don't have any positions open for muggles right now. You could either apprentice yourself to the gamekeeper, Hagrid, or to Argus Filch, our caretaker.

Will: I'll stay with Hagrid. He was nice. He gave me candy! (pulls out a lollypop and begins sucking on it and smiling like some little kid whose entire existence is to eat sugar, complain, and be hyper)

Dumbledore: Okay then. (turns to Jack) Your house is where you will stay. You will eat, sleep and take classes based on what your house is. The prefects of your house are there to enforce rules. Obey them. Now, I'll get the Sorting Hat. All I have to do is put it on you, and you will be sorted. (picks up Sorting Hat and puts it on Jack's head)

Sorting Hat: (quietly) Hhhhhhhmmm, very smart. Very very smart. Pretty courageous. Definitely not a Slytherin though. I'd say (loudly) RAVENCLAW!

Dumbledore: (whisking hat off his head) Very good, very good. Will, Hagrid's hut is on the grounds next to the Forbidden Forest. You will stay there. Jack, I'll get Elizabeth to show you where classes are. We'll catch her in between classes at the next switch.

Jack: Okay then.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Frodo, Harry and Sam had gotten very close. Frodo had introduced the Fellowship to Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George. Fred and George were getting on quite well with Merry and Pippin. They were plotting something, and Fred had asked Harry for the Marauders Map back so he could teach Merry and Pippin the secret passageways of Hogwarts. Ginny, Gimli and Legolas were having a wonderful time thinking up new ways to do each other's hair. Hermione was getting on quite well with Gandalf, and they were swapping mythology stories. Sam and Ron were getting along quite well and having a good time trying to outdo each other with sidekick stories. Aragorn had joined Harry and Frodo constantly acting like a smug drunk monkey. Elizabeth had also joined their group of friends, mostly hanging out with Ginny, Gimli and Legolas, but occasionally spending her time with Hermione and Gandalf. Everything was going well for the Fellowship, and people had almost stopped giving them weird looks until the day before Jack and Will arrived at Hogwarts. Our scene opens in the library, with Harry, Frodo and Aragorn "doing research" for a project, while Sam, Hermione and Ron did research so that Harry, Frodo and Aragorn could copy off their papers later.

Random Hufflepuff #9867: (whispering at nearby table) Do you think he's THE Frodo Baggins? I mean, how many people have those eyes? Or that beautiful name?

Random Gryffindor # 487: I know, he's so dreamy. Let's just ask him where he's from.

Random Hufflepuff #2476: Yeah, we should (Frodo Fan Club (FFC) walks over to Frodo and Random Gryffindor #487 steps out of the crowd)

Random Gryffindor # 487: Hey, Frodo. Where are you from?

Frodo: The Shire. I used to live at Bag End-(is interrupted by screams from his fan club as he is carried off by them) SAM! Help me Sam!

Sam: I'M COMING MR. FRODO!!!!!! (jumps onto tables and runs after Frodo, trying to save him from the mob of fan girls. The mob, Frodo and Sam all disappear out the door of the library)

crickets chirping

Ron: That was interesting.

Hermione: (looking disgusted) Those sick girls. I wonder what will happen to Frodo?

Narrator: After a day of not seeing Frodo, Sam or any of the fan girls, the Fellowship gave up hope of ever seeing Frodo again. The situation was not helped by the fact that Hermione got a letter from her parents telling her about a report on the news about Frodo Baggins having been found in England, swamped by fan girls. It didn't look like he would ever be able to get away from them ,but at least Sam was there at his side.


	7. Meet Will Turner Again

This chapter is dedicated to Nassandra Fungus for reviewing every chapter. I'll try to write more in the old format at her request, but I think some of the scenes will work better in the new one. Sorry I didn't put this up when I told you I would, I was busy and I'm not having any ideas lately, so this chapter is really bad. Also, sorry it's so short after so long, I'll try to write more soon. Anyway, on with the show!

Narrator: Our scene opens on Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil lurking around the room under the divination classroom attempting to spy on Professor Trelawny. Enter Nagini.

Lavender: (giggling) Did you hear that? I never would have thought those two would date.

Nagini: (hissing) Come here, my pretties

Parvati: Did you hear something?

Lavender: Yeah. (turns around) Ah! It's a snake. It's huge!

Parvati: (whimpering) help

Nagini: Trust me my pretties. I won't hurt you

Lavender: (looking into Nagini's eyes) You have beautiful eyes, you know that?

Nagini: (singing like Kaa from The Jungle Book) Truuuuuusssssst in meeeeeeee, just in mmmmmmmeeeeeeee (eyes start going all swirly and pretty. Pretty, so very pretty and

swirly)

Parvati: Of course I trust you

Nagini: ooooooohhhhhhh look into my eyes. When I count to three you will obey my every command.

Voldemort: (speaking to Nagini physicically) Stop fooling around you idiot snake. Why did I have to choose you for my pet? Just put them under the spell already!

Nagini: (flicking tail in a wave sort of like the Imperious Curse) Thar ya go! Two mind slaves just for you.

Moldy Voldy: Stop being a smart alec!

Nagini: Yes oh Moldy Master.

Moldy Voldy: You'll regret that!

Nagini: Of course I will

Moldy Voldy: Just stop it! (huffing and puffing, and very put off) So, I have these two poor innocent young girls under my control! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nagini: Evil cackle alert. Evil cackle alert. Beware, beware. Extremely cheesy evil cackle alert.

Moldy Voldy: Oh do shut up and get back here. I think the next class is coming.

Nagini: As you wish dear Voldy (disappears)

Ok, now back to the old format for my dear friend Nassandra Fungus

Jack ran to catch up with Elizabeth as she hurried to her next class with Legolas.

"Elizabeth!" he called. She started and turned around, surprise written all over her face.

"Jack. It's nice to see you," she stammered, unsure of what to say. "Uh, I'm not quite sure how to say this, so I just will. Why are you here?"

"I feel so insulted. Will and I wanted to know where you went, so we followed you. Bill sent an owl to Dumbledore, and he told us to come to Hogwarts and he would see what to do with us. I'm a wizard, so here I am. The newest addition to Ravenclaw house. What's our next class?" Jack ranted.

"Uh, we have Transfiguration next. Do you have a wand and spellbooks?"

"Of course. Dumbledore had some extra copies of the books, and while we were waiting for the class to change we took the floo network over to Ollivander's. I'm ready to make some magic!"

"You took the what to the where?" Elizabeth asked blankly.

"We took the floo network. It's a magical means of transportation. To Ollivanders. That's the wand shop. I would have thought you would know at least as much as I do about the magical world by now. I guess you're just not a fast enough learner. Too bad," Jack sauntered off and began singing quietly. "And a sweat. Better than the first time, better that the worst time. If I could just reverse time, I'd be set."

"Okay then," Elizabeth turned to Legolas, who was absentmindedly braiding his hair. "That was weird,"

"What?" Legolas looked up, startled.

"Jack is a wizard. He's in Ravenclaw too,"

"Who?"

"Jack! I've told you all about him. Don't you ever listen?"

"No, not really. I just braid my hair and look interested. There's nothing going on between the ears most of the time. I just like looking pretty,"

"You're sick,"

"What?"

"Ugh!"

At lunch that day, Elizabeth was introducing Jack to the Fellowship, Harry, Hermione and Ron. He seemed to be getting on quite well with Merry, Pippin, Fred and George. They disappeared quickly, hiding in a corner and whispering conspiratorially. Elizabeth and the others were getting a bad feeling about the five, but there were larger problems. Like Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. The two girls had been hanging around Harry and Ron like love struck cows.

"I've always thought you were really brave Harry. You saved the Sorcerer's Stone in first year," Lavender cooed.

"Yeah, that. Well I had a lot of help from Ron,"

"Ron, you're really smart! You're the one who won the chess game. Harry would never have saved the Sorcerer's Stone without you," Parvati batted her eyelashes girlishly.

"Well, ah yeah. We never would have gotten that far without Hermione. Yeah, it was all Hermione!" Ron nodded vigorously.

"I still think you two did all the hard, manly work," Lavender simpered. Ron's ears turned a nice shade of red, while Harry tried to stammer back a reply. Elizabeth and Hermione could barely keep their giggles contained. Legolas was glaring jealously at Harry and Ron for getting all the attention, and Gimli was nodding knowingly.

"Ach, the young ones are just growing up. It's so cute when they start to like the other gender. They're so shy," Aragorn stared at Gimli for a moment, then went back to daydreaming about Arwen.

"I wonder who'll be Boromir's replacement?" he wondered aloud. "I hope its Arwen,"

"Replacement?" Legolas looked up for a moment, distracted from trying to perform the Crucious Curse on Harry.

"The bet between Dumbledore and Iluvatar said that nine people would be dumped on the loser for a year. Do you see nine of us?" Aragorn asked.

"No, I only see six. Does that mean Sam and Frodo will have replacements too?" Legolas wondered, horrified.

"No, since Dumbledore managed to get rid of them while they were here they don't count. I still hope Arwen is the replacement," Aragorn went back to drooling over memories of making out and Legolas started on trying to Avada Kedavra Ron.

Attention Magical Mischief Makers 

**Are you running out of pranks?**

**Are jokes losing their zest because nothing is original anymore?**

**Well here's your answer!**

**Captain Weasley Hobbit brings you digital camera magic!**

**Fun! Easy! Affordable! Anonymous!**

Adjust any picture you want, with our amazing machine! 

The poster appeared the next day in the Gryffindor Common Room. A picture of Harry with bright green hair and a large zit on his nose accented the front. Fred and George stood to either side, showing off the small computer-like monitors that allowed you to make adjustments to pictures. You could adjust color, sizes, backgrounds, and even use parts of different pictures to add to your own! Harry's new picture grinned at the crowd drawn by the Weasleys.

"Get your own signed Harry Potter picture free when you purchase yours today!" Fred cried. The announcement was greeted with a shriek of approval from almost every female present, and some of the males. Harry sighed as he wandered past the two.

"George!" he called quietly. "George, I need to talk to you," the boy slipped away from the crowd and walked over to Harry.

"Wassup Harry?"

"Do you have enough signed pictures for everyone who's going to buy those things?" Harry asked politely.

"Well, see," George smiled. "That's where you come in. You wouldn't mind signing a couple little pictures for your old friends would ya? It's just an advertising technique. It wouldn't hurt you at all. Come on, the people love it. Do it for them," George pleaded. Harry shook his head.

"I can not believe you two sometimes. Fine, I'll do it," George thumped him on the back.

"I knew we could count on you Harry," and ran back to sell more digital cameras.

Elizabeth made her way slowly down to the Great Hall. She still couldn't believe Jack had done it. He had a poster up in the common room advertising some magical thing for messing with pictures. And somehow he had gotten a hold of a picture of her. She grimaced as she glanced down at the picture held in her hand. Her own face stared back at her, but her hair looked like Jack's. It was neon purple, and she had strange blue dots all over her face. Her eyes were bright red, and in the background was a guy wearing a Speedo lying on the beach and tanning. Elizabeth sighed as Jack bounced past her humming one of the annoying Muggle songs he had learned while he was with Bill.

"Another postcard, with chimpanzeeeeeeeees, and every one is addressed to meeeeee. There's chimps in swimsuits, a chimp whose swinging from a vine, a chimp in jackboots, some chimps that wish they could be mine. Oh hiya Lizzy," he greeted as he passed her. Elizabeth buried her face in her hands. And he had started calling her Lizzy.

"I'm going to die. Maybe I should go visit Will after classes today," she muttered to herself. She hadn't seen her fiancé since the school year had started, and visiting him seemed like a nice way to unwind after an entire day of Jack.

The day went slowly, Jack singing the whole time. His favorite band was the Bare-Naked Ladies, and he had just gotten a new CD, whatever that was, so Elizabeth got to hear him singing constantly about chimps in swimsuits and shopping. When classes were finally over, she was more than ready to see Will.

"See ya Jack, I'm going to visit Will," she called as she left the common room after dinner.

"Oh, a visit, I love visits, drinks all around!" Jack replied boisterously and ran out of the room.

"Okay then," Elizabeth muttered as she made her way through the castle and out onto the grounds. Hagrid and Will's hut stood at the edge of the forest, the windows brightly lit and cheery conversation coming from within. Elizabeth reached the door and knocked. The door opened.

"ELIZABETH!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you finally came to see me. I thought you hated me, I mean I hadn't seen you for like a week. You might have been captured again. I was so worried and Hagrid wouldn't let me go off looking for you-"

"WILL!" Elizabeth cut in sharply. "Shut up for a second," Will stopped, taken aback. His face went from joyous to distraught.

"I-I was just excited to see you. I didn't mean to be annoying, but-but I guess you just don't like me. I'll go away now," Will started crying and slammed the door in her face. From inside came the sounds of Hagrid comforting Will and telling him what a good boy he was.

"Okay then," Elizabeth muttered. "I don't think I want to be his fiancé anymore. I wonder what drugs Hagrid is feeding him in there?"

"You don't want to know," came the booming voice of the narrator.

"No, probably not,"

Meanwhile, in other parts of the castle, Jack, Merry and Pippin were having a good time with some ale.

"Sing it with me!" Jack screamed. Merry and Pippin joined in for the chorus. "Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me!!!!!!!!!"

"And a Merry solo!" Jack handed off the magical mike.

"We'd pillage and plunder we'd rifle and loot, drink up me hearties yo ho! We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot, drink up me-" Merry was cut off as Professor McGonagall entered the Hufflepuff common room. The three were standing on a couch, singing the song Jack had taught them. The Hufflepuffs had taken to them quickly...well, maybe after a few "Girls Gone Wild" hard candies, but that's beside the point, although Gimli got **way **into dancing after he had his candy. They locked him in the dorms rather than bear the torture of seeing a dwarf attempt to dance. Anyway, the crowd was yelling and trying to sing along as often as possible.

"What is going on here?" McGonagall asked tersely.

"Well, we were just having a party, see," Jack began. "The kids were getting so involved!:

"Mr. Sparrow, I would advise you to keep quiet, as you are already here under unusual circumstances and can easily be sent back to where you came from," Jack turned slightly red, and fell silent. "I think the three of you can expect a week of detentions. We will discuss when and where later. Talk to me after class tomorrow. I would suggest you all get to bed. It's already 8:00," A collective gasp arose from the Hufflepuffs. They never went to bed past 7:30, and the hard candy was losing its affect with McGonagall in the near vicinity. Slowly, the students filed past McGonagall and up the appropriate staircases. The only ones left were Merry, Pippin, Jack and Legolas, who had been studying in the corner with earplugs in.

"I can't believe you two," he looked up from his work at Merry and Pippin. "You have no morals whatsoever," he replaced his earplugs and turned away.

"Wha' did we do?" asked Pippin. "I don't understand why he's always so uptight," Merry just stared at Pippin.


	8. The Unhappy Effect of Drinking in School

Ok, I know I haven't updated forever, my sincerest apologies (does Jack Sparrow hand bowing apology thing). I was busy and lazy, which means I was busy for a while, then I got free time and read instead of writing. I finally looked at my story on , and realized just how impossible computers are. In the new format it doesn't put in my paragraphs, so it's really hard to read. Sorry happy people! I'll try and fix it. Anyway, this chap might be really bad because I haven't written in so long, but on with the show anyway!

Back at Hagrid's hut Elizabeth has finally managed to speak to Will without being chattered into the next century. Oh wait, she's already in the next century. Sorry about that.

"Will, I'm glad you're so excited to see me, but why are you suddenly so hyper? Usually you're just rogueishly ready for anything and to move around. Now you're just way too sugar high," Will looked stricken, and a tear slid down his face.

"You don't like me anymore?" he whimpered.

"Yes, but you're acting like a little kid,"

"HAGRID! Elizabeth's being mean to me!" Will wailed. Hagrid appeared at the door and gathered the smaller man into his arms.

"It's okay Will, I'm sure she didn't mean it," he looked meaningfully at Elizabeth. "Did ya Elizabeth?"

"Yes, I did mean it!" Elizabeth yelled, exasperated. "I'm sorry Will, but if you keep acting like this I'm going to have to break off our engagement!" Elizabeth pulled off the cheap diamond ring(he hadn't been able to afford anything better) and dropped it into Hagrid's hand, as she couldn't see much of Will from inside Hagrid's arms. "You're not the same piratey Will I knew back at Port Royal. If he happens to come back, let me know," she stalked off back towards the castle, sick of both Will and Hagrid. 'I think I'll go study with Harry' she thought. 'He's so much more mature than Will. And his eyes are so green and pretty. Pretty, pretty pretty...'

"Sparrow, Brandybuck and Took please stay back. We need to discuss your detentions," McGonagall's voice cut through the air as Jack, Merry and Pippin froze. They had been the first to the door at the end of double Transfiguration (Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs) hoping the professor wouldn't notice them and they would be able to escape before she called them over to her desk. They slowly turned and slid dejectedly back to the front of the classroom. The other students watched them with sad expressions on their faces.

"Now, as you three now know, there is no drinking of alcoholic beverages in this school. Because you were not entirely aware of this rule when you broke it, I will be lenient in your punishments. However, if it happens again, I shall not be so kind. Sparrow, you are now on probation. If you get into anymore serious trouble, you will be sent back to Port Royal immediately. All three of you will serve a week's worth of detentions with Mr. Filch. Report to his office every night this week at 7:00. On a much lighter note, Boromir's replacement has arrived," Merry and Pippin leaned forward eagerly, wondering who it would be. "Arwen Undomiel will be joining you. She has been placed in Hufflepuff. Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took, I will expect you to show her where everything is, and help her catch up on her lost time here. She should be waiting for you outside right now. I suggest you hurry to your next classes, or you'll be late," McGonagall began correcting some papers by fourth year Gryffindors, completely ignoring the three students in front of her. They left the room to find Arwen standing outside, looking at a statue of a wizard looking like a huge prat while holding a scroll out for everyone to see.

"They really don't have any taste here at all do they?" she asked no one in particular. "That is probably the ugliest statue I've ever seen. I mean, even Daddy didn't have that bad of decorating, and you've seen his,"

"Hello Arwen," Merry interrupted.

"Merry! Pippin! Other guy that I don't know his name, but has the handsome manly look down even better that Aragorn! What a surprise!" Arwen smiled, turning to look at them as if just seeing them, even though they had been standing there for about thirty seconds already, and weren't really doing anything to keep quiet. So much for the amazing elvish senses.

"Hi. This is Jack," Merry introduced him, "Jack, this is Arwen. Now, Arwen, I know you don't really like work, but we have to get to our next class. Just follow me and Pip, and we won't let anything happen to you," Merry grinned, well aware that many things would happen to Arwen when she was with Merry and Pippin, but also well aware that Professor McGonagall was probably listening to them from inside her classroom.

"You're so cute!" Arwen giggled. "Lead the way. I can tell I'm going to have so much fun here. Bye Jack!" Arwen followed Merry down the corridor as Pippin and Jack made loud gagging noises behind her.

So, I know it's a short chap, but I should have another up soon. R/R please, if nobody reviews, I won't have any motivation for the next chap and I'll never post it even if I do write it. I want to know if anyone is even reading this anymore. Also, I just went back over some of my other chaps and realized how bad they really are, so new versions should be up soon. I finally got the computer to work right, and the other format works. Try reading again if the story didn't make sense the first time.


	9. Double Secret Probation

Ok, thanks to...oh wait, NO ONE! Because absolutely no one has reviewed the last chapter! I should just stop writing because none of you are out there reading this right now. But, I'll put up one or two more chapters and see if someone reviews. If they do and tell me to keep writing, I will. If no one reviews or they say they don't like it, I shall discontinue this fic and attempt to come up with a plot for some Ella Enchanted fic. I've wanted to do one of those for so long. Anyway, if anyone's listening, on with the show.

Our scene opens with Aragorn sitting peacefully in the Gryffindor Common Room. Okay, that's a lie, he had just discovered the muggle invention, CDs, and is currently jumping up and down all over the couches listening to a Queen album. Anyway, he was minding his own business as much as is possible for Aragorn to mind his own business when the portrait hole opened and two people slid through. Poor, innocent Aragorn of course had no idea that anything had happened, as he couldn't hear anything over his music, including the cries of rage and annoyance coming from his fellow students trying to do their homework.

"ARRIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the King of Gondor froze as a voice penetrated over the guitar solo on "Somebody to Love". He knew that voice. He didn't even need to know the voice; no one else would dare call him that. It used to be a lovely voice, he had been so happy to hear it. Then they had gotten married and the nagging had started. Now, terror froze the heart of the once brave warrior when he heard that voice.

"Arwen," Aragorn squeaked in a strained, half-surprised voice. He had hoped he would be able to have a year with the boys, but here she was, following him again. He sighed quietly and hit the stop button on his Walkman.

"Hi sweetie pumpkin," Arwen skipped lightly over to Aragorn and grabbed him in a huge hug. "Give me a kiss sweetie," she giggled, and proceeded to suck his mouth off. The other students had stopped even attempting to study and were now watching, fascinated as Aragorn attempted to break off the kiss without making it seem like he was doing so. Finally it ended and a look of intense relief crossed his face.

"So, honey, how's everything been? Is something wrong?" he asked, trying to start a conversation. He knew it would bore Arwen to death and she would probably leave him alone if he tried to be intelligent every time she was around. A very difficult task for the poor ex-Ranger. He wasn't trained to think, just to fight and look manly and kiss pretty elven maids like Arwen.

"Oh, it's been fine, I love being queen! I've gotten lots of new dresses, and I can eat chocolate whenever I want. Daddy never let me do that," Well that explains why she wasn't quite as trim as usual. Or trim at all. "But it's been a bit dreary with you gone," Arwen murmured, making her eyes go all big and watery. Aragorn hated it when she did that. It always meant she was going to ask him for something it was unlikely she would get. Unless she used the puppy eyes, in which case, Aragorn would feel guilty and do anything for her. "So, I was just wondering, could you come home now?"

There it was. The impossible request. Well, he could at least try to argue.

"Well, honey pie, that could be more difficult than it sounds..."

"Jack," came Merry's voice from outside the door. "Jack, it's 7:00, we have to go to detention,"

"Please do not disturb me. If I come outside, Elizabeth might find me and steal all the rum again. Or worse, that creature McGonagall," he sounded ever so slightly drunk.

"Jack, have you been drinking?" Pippin asked, exchanging a look with Merry. If someone had been getting drunk without the two of them, there would be hell to pay.

"Just a tad," he replied.

"Why didn't ya say so in the first place?!" Pippin yelled joyfully, barging through the door to the Ravenclaw dormitories. "If there's drinks, count me in!" Merry followed at a slightly more sedate pace. But not much more sedately.

About half an hour later the singing started. It began innocently, just a little bit of Queen, and some classic Beatles, but soon it was morphing into Gloria Gaynor and Abba. When Elizabeth heard them singing "Dancing Queen" in girly, high voices, she knew there would be trouble soon. So she put on headphones, turning on some soothing Celtic harp music, and promptly forgot about the rest of the world. This was a good thing for her, because the terrible trio soon made their way falling and tripping down the stairs, each with a microphone in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. They soon kicked the rest of the students off the couch and began dancing madly while singing. The other Ravenclaws were soon watching in fascination, and some of the more bold ones joined in. Suddenly, Fred and George burst in.

"We heard there was beer and singing. Are we in the right place?" Fred asked breathlessly.

"Oh yeah!" Merry yelled, tossing each of them a bottle of beer and a microphone. Elizabeth could see this was getting out of hand, and quietly slipped out the door. Once out of the room, she oriented herself, and set off at a brisk walk towards Professor McGonagall's office.

"Skipping detention to do the very thing you got detention for! It's an outrage! Unheard of! If I have to use one more exclamation point I'm going to go insane! Oh, there I go! I don't even know what punishment to give something as horrible as this!"

"How about nothing then," Pippin suggested brightly. Professor McGonagall's stare silenced him quickly. Merry, Pippin, Jack, Fred and George were all congregated in McGonagall's office after she had walked in on their fiasco.

"I think the only punishment that's worthy of a crime this horrible is...DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!"

Dum dum dum! What will happen? What is double secret probation? If any of you know, I congratulate you. Will I keep writing? Only if you review, so get to it! Oh yeah, and I started writing this chapter a long time ago, so thanks ever so much to SiriusSweetie for reviewing. Even though she only read because I told her I had updated, whatever. She even reviewed twice to make me feel ever so dandy. So, review and you might get another chapter. Lots of reviews, and it might be longer than this. Suggestions, and you might get a really long chapter or even gasp TWO!


	10. So just what is Double Secret Probation?

Thank you thank you to Sirius Sweetie, again, who is my favoritest person for being the first reviewer of all my newest chapters, and to Suuki-Aldrea, for being the only person I don't personally know to review. This chap is dedicated to you! Anyway, this one will probably stink, as I have no inspiration whatsoever, but I'll do my best. Wow. This is the 10th chap. Whoever thought I could keep a story going that long? Oh yeah, and kudos to anyone who knows what double secret probation is from or just plain is. I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Anyway, on with the show!

"What's double secret probation?" Pippin asked, looking confused as usual.

"Ah, hehe, I don't really know," Professor McGonagall turned slightly red and began edging away from the students.

"What? You're punishing us with something and you don't even know what it is!?"

"Well, I could never figure out what it was. It's not like Animal House is the most descriptive movie ever,"

"You're telling me," George gawked, "That you gave us a punishment because it was in a movie you liked, and you don't know what it really is?"

"Not just because it was in a movie I liked. It also sounded really ominous and was a really good way to end the chapter," McGonagall replied defensively.

"What?" Jack snapped.

"Never mind,"

"What?" Arwen blubbered.

"I'm sorry honey. It's not my fault. They won't let us go home until the end of the year. You'll have to stay, and try to learn something. Like that's possible," Aragorn added in a mutter.

"You did this on purpose didn't you?" the elf wailed. "You wanted to get away from me, so you volunteered, and you knew you wouldn't be able to get home until the end of the year!"

"No no, of course not. I would never do that to you!" the ex-ranger would of course do that to her, but at least he hadn't this time. He was telling her the truth for once.

"You hate me. You just want to get away from me! Well guess what?! I'm sick of you too! I want a divorce!" Arwen was screaming now. "We'll see how you fare as King of Gondor without a queen. And I'm taking the children too! Good-bye forever Arrie!" Arwen twirled around, her face red with tears, and ran out of the Gryffindor common room. Aragorn stood for a moment, and then began to giggle.

"It's okay Aragorn. I'm sure she didn't mean it," Sam had come up behind the now-single King.

"Of course it's OK! What do you mean she didn't mean it? Even if she didn't, I'm getting the divorce papers signed and sealed as soon as possible! Oh yeah! By this time tomorrow I'll be a free man!"

"How's your star chart coming?" Harry inquired politely.

"I'm not sure," Elizabeth frowned over the parchment. "I can't quite remember all of Mar's moons," Harry leaned over from his own work to check Elizabeth's.

"You're not missing anything,"

"Really?"

"Nope. You're like the next Hermione,"

"Yeah right," Elizabeth giggled.

"No, you really aren't," Harry, responded boringly. "You'll never be as good as she is,"

"DUDE! So rude," Elizabeth retorted, and they both burst out laughing. Elizabeth was just beginning to fall off her chair when Ron walked into the Gryffindor common room.

"Ok then, I'm just going to ignore the two insane people over in the corner," Ron announced to no one. Harry and Elizabeth slowly pulled themselves back together and Ron walked over to them.

"Guess what I just heard,"

"I dunno, what did ya hear?" Elizabeth grinned.

"There's going to be a student concert,"

"A what?" Harry questioned.

"A concert. Well, more like a dance, but all of the students in the upper grades, and the exchange students are asked to perform something. I already know what I'm going to do," Ron was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement.

"Sweetness!" Harry shouted. He leaped out of his chair and flew up the stairs into his dorm.

"Ok then, I guess someone wants to plan without the rest of us," Ron commented.

"Yeah," Elizabeth smiled, suddenly shy. "Listen, tell Harry thanks for helping me study. I'm going to go back to my common room," she gathered her books and was gone, leaving Ron sitting alone in the middle of the room.

"What is this, abandon Ron day?" he demanded angrily, stomping up the stairs to join Harry. "Didn't even ask what I was going to do. Jerks,"

The news traveled quickly throughout the school. As part of their punishment Jack, Merry, Pippin, Fred and George were not allowed to come, and had to set up and take down all of the tables and decorations by hand. That means WITHOUT magic. McGonagall had yet to release the information of what the rest of the punishment would be. In the upper grades everyone was planning what they were going to do, and who with, but no one would tell anyone what they were doing. The only people who knew the entire evening's program were Fred, George and Jack. Arwen and Aragorn had gotten a divorce, and Aragorn was spending all his time with "the guys". The concert was scheduled for September 27th, and by the day beforehand; the atmosphere in Hogwarts was so thick you couldn't cut it with a knife. It was so thick it would take a saw. Everyone felt something or things big was going to happen at the concert, now being called the Pops Concert, and they couldn't wait.

So wadda ya think? Hate it? Love it? (don't I wish). Let me know, with a lovely little REVIEW! The more you review, the more I write. That was proven today when I got a review and just wrote this entire chapter because of it. So everyone say thank you to Suuki-Aldrea.


	11. The Pops Concert

I love reviews! All you happy people out there say thank you to LizTurnerMagic() for reviewing. I'm only starting to write this because of her lovely review. And by the way, I don't think I've ever actually heard a Good Charlotte song. I know, it's sad, but too bad for me. Anyway, there's probably going to be a lot of Gilbert and Sullivan in this one, cause I just saw Pirates of Penzance, which was SO funny. Also, thanks to Suuki-Aldrea, SiriusSweetie, and pIPPINpIRATE for leaving wonderfully friendly reviews just after I wrote the beginning of this chapter. You helped me finish it. I feel so loved. Anyway, one with the show!

It was the 27th of September, and Elizabeth, Arwen, and Hermione were in the Gryffindor dorms doing make up and hair. Elizabeth didn't like the idea of make up, but since Arwen had discovered it she couldn't be convinced to stop wearing it. There was even a rumor going around that she slept with it one she loved it so much. Hermione was dressed simply in a strapless lilac dress. It was made from a soft, shiny material that waved as she walked. She had the minimal amount of make-up on, just enough to highlight her features. Arwen, having discovered skimpy tops and mini-skirts at the same time as make-up, was wearing a jean mini-skirt and a skimpy top similar to that of Jules from Bend it Like Beckham in the scene when they go clubbing. Wait, I forgot, that's not a shirt, it's a piece of cloth! Anyway, she had more eye-makeup than Jack Sparrow, and her earrings were huge, red plastic hoops. Elizabeth was somewhere in the middle, with a black and white patterned skirt of a light material. It was cut unevenly and twirled wonderfully. She had a plain, tight-fitting black tee shirt on.

The three made their way into the Gryffindor common room, where they met their dates. Elizabeth was going with Harry; Arwen with Ron and Hermione was going alone. Jack had asked her before he was forbidden to go, and she wouldn't accept any other offers. Legolas had been swamped by girls throwing themselves at his feet, but he had finally asked Cho. Harry had gotten over her long ago, finally realizing how shallow she was. Aragorn wasn't going with anyone; he didn't want to die just yet. Even if Arwen was going with someone else, he wasn't allowed to date for a long time. Gimli had been unable to secure a date, but he had hinted he might be meeting up with someone. Will had been invited too, but wasn't being asked to perform as Dumbledore was starting to worry about his mental health.

The group made their way downstairs and into the great hall. Hermione instantly began searching the crowd, and it seemed she soon found who or what she was looking for.

"I'll be back in a minute," she told them hurriedly, then made her way through the swarms of people.

"Okay then," Harry commented. Ernie Macmillan (I'm not sure how to spell that) and about twelve other Hufflepuffs were singing "I'm the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "Pirates of Penzance" Ernie was singing the part of Major General Stanley, and doing a relatively good job, but looking extremely pompous, as were the rest of the act. The song came to tumultuous ending. Harry smiled at Elizabeth and made his way onto the stage. Cheers erupted, and people got ready to dance. Rumors (always started by yours truly Jack) said that Harry was singing a song good for dancing. He picked up the guitar standing in the corner of stage and took a deep breath, stepping up to the mike.

"Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you," he began.

"Cause falling in love just makes me blue. Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see. I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me. And I hope that I don't fall in love with. Now the night does funny things inside a man, these old tomcat feelings you don't understand. I turn around and look at you, you light a cigarette, I wish I had the guts to bomb one, but we've never met. And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. I can see that you are lonesome just like me. And it being late you'd like some company. Well I've had two, I look at, and you look back at me. The guy you're with is up and split, the chair next to you's free. And I hope that you don't fall in love with me. Now it's closing time, the music's fading out. Last call for drinks I had another stout. I turn and look at you, you're nowhere to be found. I search the place for your lost face, and have another round. And I think that I just fell in love with you."

The audience erupted in cheers, and Harry smiled, making his way off the stage and towards Elizabeth. They disappeared into the crowd, and weren't seen for a long time. Thankfully. Actually, I was getting quite sick of Harry, weren't you?

The next performer was Gimli. Everyone was slightly dubious about his performance, because every time Jack had mentioned him, he had done it with a grimace. It was generally thought that Gimli's performance might be a tad too graphic for some of the younger students, so prefects were whispering to their houses to "be ready to shield your eyes at any moment".

The dwarf sauntered onto the stage and took the mic. His costume was interesting, featuring a bikini top over his armor. The lights dimmed, and Gimli closed his eyes.

"I think I did it again" at this, some of the younger female students looked up, and started dancing, looking remarkably like they had been practicing by watching Britney Spears music videos for just such an occasion.  
"I made you believe we're more than just friends" suddenly, Gimli started dancing too. Except that it didn't look like he had practiced. It looked like he had made up what he was dancing. And what he was dancing looked like a strip tease.  
"Oh baby  
It might seem like a crush  
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious  
'Cause to lose all my senses  
That is just so typically me  
Oh baby, baby" The crowd began booing, some screaming at the horror of watching Gimli. The girls who had been dancing had stopped when they saw Gimli, and one of them was now vomiting.

"Thank you, Gimli!" Dumbledore's voice came over the din as the music and flashing lights stopped. "But I don't think that song is entirely age appropriate,"

"Sorry professor," Gimli muttered, and slunk off the stage.

Ok, I'm ending this chapter here, but there should be an update soon. I'm on summer vacation (oh yeah, oh yeah,) so I've got a lot of extra time, and I got lots of reviews for the last chapter. Do you like me describing specific acts? Or do you want me to skip it all and just go to a few of the highlights? Let me know! I want to hear your comments!


	12. Legolas' Strip Tease

Ok, because I got two reviews within a day of updating, I'm going to try and write this one quickly. Thanks to Suuki-aldrea and pippinpirate for their lovely reviews, and so prompt too! I'm just ever so popular darling, tosses hair over shoulder in properly girly fashion Anyway, because of Suuki-aldrea's request, I will not write all the acts (I never was planning to do quite all of them. I don't care about all the boring Ravenclaws and people, just the Gryffindors, a couple of Slytherins and the newbies. So, for the highlights of the Pops Concert, On with the show!  
  
After Gimli's ugly performance, some random students sang, played various instruments, and one even played the spoons. The next big act was Legolas. Jack had hinted that some of the guys might be a little jealous after his act, but the girls were all extremely excited. Legolas already had a large fan club that was growing daily, and they had been waiting for the opportunity to throw themselves at him. A few of them already had for no reason at all. The elven prince sauntered onto the stage, throwing his hair over his shoulder, sort of like Prince Charming in Shrek 2. His outfit was very tight fitting, much to the joy of his fan club.  
"I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love  
  
Love's going to leave me" the girls were screaming even before Legolas began dancing. It looked slightly like Gimli's dancing, except it was obvious Gimli had been spying on Legolas and attempting to imitate the way Legolas was dancing. The dancing was fluid and smooth.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt  
  
So sexy it hurts  
  
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan  
  
New York and Japan  
  
And I'm too sexy for your party  
  
Too sexy for your party  
  
No way I'm disco dancing" Slowly, Legolas's shirt began to come up a little. At first most of the audience thought it was a mistake, that he was just dancing a little too hard. By the time it came off, it was obvious, there was no mistake.  
  
"I'm a model you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
  
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah  
  
I do my little turn on the catwalk" Whereas Gimli had been imitating a strip tease with no idea that was what it was (come on, give the poor guy a break. He's not that disturbed, just really really stupid) Legolas was actually performing a strip tease. And that wasn't the worst of it. What was scarier was that when Dumbledore tried to remind the elf of "age appropriateness" he was mobbed by girls of all ages who wouldn't let him stop the performance.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car  
  
Too sexy by far  
  
And I'm too sexy for my hat  
  
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that" finally Dumbledore managed to get Legolas to go outside for the rest of his performance, so that none of the younger and more impressionable students would see...anything. But from outside the strains of music could still be heard, and it was obvious that some of the young females who weren't allowed outside were imagining it almost as vividly as if they had been there.  
  
"That is completely disgusting," remarked Hermione, who had returned with someone who looked vaguely familiar.  
"Definitely," Elizabeth seconded.  
"Well, I guess I'd better bring things back to G-rated," the man with Hermione sighed, and headed towards stage. Elizabeth stared after him.  
"Is that...?"  
"Yes, it's him," Hermione snapped. "But please don't say he's here. We don't want someone to hear."  
"How'd he get in?"  
"He has his ways. Well, actually he had the will. It was Fred and George that provided the way," Hermione turned away from the conversation, and it was obvious she was staring at Jack and wishing his performance would be similar to Legolas's. Fortunately for Dumbledore, but unfortunately for all us love struck Johnny Depp fans, it wasn't. Now why'd I have to go and make the stupid one do a strip tease? I hate Orlando Bloom! Anyway...  
Two other figures were making their way to the front of the Great Hall. They had identical red hair, but they were far too short to be Fred and George. Whatever. We'll never know how they did it. Jack took the piano that had suddenly appeared, and Fred and George (I don't know which one's which. I'm not even sure it's them!) took guitar and drums. Some random student they chose out of the crowd took drums. A familiar introduction began, and just before he started singing, Jack encouraged everyone to join in on the chorus. "Buddy you're a boy make a big noise Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day  
  
You got mud on yo' face  
  
You big disgrace  
  
Kickin' your can all over the place" Fred and George joined in for the chorus, and Elizabeth shouted along faithfully. She was one of few other people in the crowd.  
  
"We will we will rock you  
  
Singin'  
  
We will we will rock you" The song paused for a moment, with just the drums going because the student was too stupid to realize they had stopped.  
  
"Come on, you call that singing?" Jack roared. "I told you to join in on the chorus. So will you?" there was a quiet murmur. "What?" there was a dull roar of reply. "WHAT!? I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!"  
"YES!"  
"Ok, then, took ya guys long enough. Anyway, on with the show!" "Buddy you're a young man hard man  
  
Shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day  
  
You got blood on yo' face  
  
You big disgrace  
  
Wavin' your banner all over the place  
  
Singin'" "Come on, let's hear it!" and the entire Hall roared out, even the girls who had just returned from Legolas's strip tease.  
  
"We will we will rock you  
  
We will we will rock you"  
  
"Buddy you're an old man poor man  
  
Pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day  
  
You got mud on your face  
  
You big disgrace  
  
Somebody better put you back into your place  
  
We will we will rock you  
  
We will we will rock you" Jack, Fred and George bowed themselves off the stage, and were soon after mobbed by their new adoring fans. Hermione saw one girl throw herself at Jack, managing to peck him on the cheek.  
"I think it's time he get out of there," she commented determinedly, and elbowed her way over to Jack. He disappeared with her soon afterward.  
Next was Draco, backed by Crabbe and Goyle, who sang "Real Slim Shady". When they got to the part about sticking nine-inch nails into your eye, Dumbledore kicked them off, and he saw that it was good.  
After that came Ron, singing Hot Hot Hot from the Bend it Like Beckham soundtrack. It was pretty popular. Finally, the last student from the upper grades was called. It was Hermione. She sat at the piano, and adjusted the mic from where Jack had had it. She brushed her long, and amazingly silky hair out of her face, and began.  
"Can anybody find me somebody to love?" her fingers moved over the keys, as she played the simple intro. "Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little  
  
Can barely stand on my feet  
  
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)  
  
Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)  
  
I have spent all my years in believing you  
  
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!  
  
Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)  
  
Can anybody find me somebody to love?  
  
Yeah  
  
I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life  
  
I work till I ache in my bones  
  
At the end (at the end of the day)  
  
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own  
  
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)  
  
And I start to pray  
  
Till the tears run down from my eyes  
  
Lord somebody (somebody), ooh somebody  
  
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love?  
  
(He works hard)  
  
Everyday (everyday) - I try and I try and I try  
  
But everybody wants to put me down  
  
They say I'm going crazy  
  
They say I got a lot of water in my brain  
  
Ah, got no common sense  
  
I got nobody left to believe in  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah  
  
Oh Lord  
  
Ooh somebody - ooh somebody  
  
Can anybody find me somebody to love?  
  
(Can anybody find me someone to love)  
  
Got no feel, I got no rhythm  
  
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing)  
  
I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright - he's alright)  
  
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah yeah)  
  
I just gotta get out of this prison cell  
  
One day (someday) I'm gonna be free, Lord!  
  
Find me somebody to love (at this point, other voices came to sing the harmony pars. We're not sure where they came from, but they did)  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love love love  
  
Find me somebody to love  
  
Find me somebody to love somebody somebody somebody somebody  
  
Somebody find me  
  
Somebody find me somebody to love  
  
Can anybody find me somebody to love?  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Ooh  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Find me somebody, somebody (find me somebody to love) somebody, somebody to love  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me  
  
Ooh - somebody to love  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Ooh  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Find me, find me, find me somebody to love  
  
(Find me somebody to love)  
  
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!  
  
Wooo somebody find me, find me love."  
  
[  
  
As the last note died out someone yelled "I can find you somebody to love! He's right here!" Everyone turned to stare at the man. It was obvious he wasn't a student. Suddenly, the edges of the man blurred, and morphed, and Jack Sparrow stood there. He swept off his hat and slid into a bow. Hermione was staring at Jack, some unknown emotion in her eyes.  
"I know what you're feeling," the narrator teased. "You love him too. Go kiss him!"  
"Shut up!" Hermione hissed.  
"Ok. Forget this ever happened, all of you,"  
"JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dumbledore rumbled. "OUT!" Jack meekly replaced his hat and slunk out the door, but just as the attention turned from him, he turned and blew a kiss at Hermione, who was still staring at him.  
"Well that was certainly interesting," The narrator remarked.  
"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled back.  
"I can see I'm unwanted here. I think I'll just leave."  
So, what do you think? Do you like my lovely little thing with Hermione and Jack? Don't worry; this concert won't take up too many more chapters. And thanks to the website I got the lyrics from, I just forgot what it was. Do you really think I was going to write all those stupid things out myself? Anyway, REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! Oh yeah, and if you are sick of this concert let me know, and I'll just skip over most of it. But there is something else important that happens. There will be a plot to this story. Maybe if I ever get that far. 


	13. Moldy Voldy Attempts To Strike Back

Thanks to my three lovely reviewers, Suuki-Aldrea, Sirius Sweetie, and Culusomething I don't feel like looking to find the rest of your name. It makes me feel just dandy to get reviews, and they make me update faster. Suuki-Aldrea-no, the concert isn't over yet. There's more, much more yet to come, bwahahahaha! Also, Culumacilinte, I'm not quite sure about the Jack/Hermione thing. Maybe it would work, but I'm still wondering. Anyway, On with the show!  
  
After the interesting fiasco with Jack and Hermione, Dumbledore called upon someone he knew was far too stupid to do something that interesting. Aragorn sang "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow, looking meaningfully at Arwen the whole time, as he had been rather lonely lately. For some reason, the girls at Hogwarts didn't go for his whole "I'm the poor, lowly ranger who's going to become the powerful King of Gondor someday soon" act. Who knew? After Aragorn finished his song, and everyone else finished laughing two tall guys made their way onto the stage. One picked up a guitar, and the other one took the drums. Random audience members were picked for the rest of the band. As the intro started, some of the stranger Hogwarts students started smiling, ready to sing along to their favorite singer.  
"Way back when ah was just ah littl' bittah boy, living in ah bahx" the singer began. The entire Fellowship, Arwen, Harry, Elizabeth, Ron and Hermione froze.  
"That's Pip!" Elizabeth hissed, terrified that Dumbledore would realize who was singing. Merry was obviously the one playing lead guitar, too. The insane Weird Al obsessives were singing along, as they knew all the words by heart.  
"Under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop  
  
You know the place  
  
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy  
  
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning  
  
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast" by now, even the people that didn't know the words were for some strange reason trying to find out what they were, so that they could sing along too. Merry and Pippin were just standing on the stage, smiling down at everyone.  
  
"Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut  
  
Every single mornin  
  
It was driving me crazy  
  
I said to my mom  
  
I said, "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"  
  
And my dear, sweet mother  
  
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train  
  
And she leaned right down next to me  
  
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"  
  
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth  
  
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old" Someone had managed to Accio the lyrics from Merry and Pippin's dorm. A huge crowd had congregated around the boy, and everyone was trying to read the lyrics. They were of course, failing miserably.  
  
"That's when I swore that someday  
  
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place  
  
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer  
  
And the towels are oh so fluffy  
  
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long  
  
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel  
  
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah" A seventh year had managed to remember the copying charm they had learned that day, and was trying to make copies of the lyrics for everyone. She kept messing it up though, and she had about three copies in German, two in Japanese, seven in Yiddish, and one in Quenya. When Legolas and Arwen heard this they grabbed it, and started singing along using that copy instead.  
  
"Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true  
  
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest  
  
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt  
  
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize  
  
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Oh yeah  
  
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before  
  
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great  
  
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor  
  
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time  
  
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts  
  
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore  
  
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out  
  
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside  
  
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died  
  
Except for me  
  
You know why?" by this time even the teachers were attempting to see the lyrics, and Dumbledore pushed through the crowd. He flicked his wand twice, muttered something, and suddenly everyone in the Great Hall had a copy of the words. And he saw that it was good, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
"'Cause I had my tray table up  
  
And my seat back in the full upright position  
  
Had my tray table up  
  
And my seat back in the full upright position  
  
Had my tray table up  
  
And my seat back in the full upright position  
  
Ah ha ha ha  
  
Ah ha ha  
  
Ahhhh  
  
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage  
  
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days  
  
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag  
  
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball  
  
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel  
  
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn  
  
Where the towels are oh so fluffy  
  
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna  
  
It's OK, they're clean" So everyone finally managed to find where they were in the song, and they were all singing along. They finished up the song in fine style. Wait a minute. It isn't even close to the end of the song. Whatever, they still finished it up in style.  
  
"Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C  
  
And I turned on the Spectra Vision  
  
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow  
  
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door  
  
Well now, who could that be?  
  
I say, "Who is it?"  
  
No answer,  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
There's no answer  
  
"WHO IS IT?"  
  
They're not sayin' anything  
  
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected  
  
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril  
  
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right  
  
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel  
  
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"  
  
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"  
  
And he's like "Tough"  
  
And I'm like "Give it"  
  
And he's like "Make me"  
  
And I'm like "'Kay"  
  
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus  
  
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows  
  
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation  
  
Yes indeed, you better believe it  
  
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook  
  
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice  
  
And you know what it said?  
  
I'll tell you what it said  
  
It said  
  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
  
In Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel  
  
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest  
  
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice  
  
But first, I decided to buy some donuts  
  
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop  
  
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter  
  
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"  
  
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"  
  
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"  
  
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"  
  
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"  
  
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"  
  
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"  
  
I said, "You got any bear claws?"  
  
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"  
  
"No, we're outta bear claws"  
  
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"  
  
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"  
  
I said "OK, I'll take that"  
  
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out  
  
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over  
  
(rabid gnawing sounds)  
  
Oh man, they were just going nuts  
  
They were tearin' me apart  
  
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"  
  
I believe it went a little something like this . . .  
  
Doh  
  
Get 'em off me  
  
Get 'em off me  
  
Oh  
  
No, get 'em off, get 'em off  
  
Oh, oh God, oh God  
  
Oh, get 'em off me  
  
Oh, oh God  
  
Ah, (more screaming)  
  
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face  
  
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'  
  
Like a constipated wiener dog  
  
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams  
  
Her name was Zelda  
  
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches  
  
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.  
  
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"  
  
That's when I knew it was true love  
  
We were inseparable after that  
  
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together  
  
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss  
  
The world was our burrito  
  
So we got married and we bought us a house  
  
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly  
  
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah  
  
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me  
  
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"  
  
I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"  
  
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"  
  
So we broke up and I never saw her again  
  
But that's just the way things go  
  
In Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me  
  
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream  
  
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler  
  
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face  
  
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that  
  
I was gettin' a lot of attitude  
  
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot  
  
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil  
  
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself  
  
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"  
  
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes  
  
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"  
  
So I did  
  
And then he gets all indignant on me  
  
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"  
  
Well, that's just great  
  
How was I supposed to know that?  
  
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud  
  
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy  
  
So what's he complaining about?  
  
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote  
  
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days  
  
Well, I knew what he meant  
  
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein  
  
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over  
  
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't cha get it?"  
  
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming  
  
(screaming sounds)  
  
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation  
  
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?  
  
Anyway, um, um, where was I?  
  
Kinda lost my train of thought  
  
Uh, well, uh, OK  
  
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it  
  
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is  
  
I hate sauerkraut  
  
That's all I'm really tryin' to say  
  
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up  
  
And find yourself in an existential quandary  
  
Full of loathing and self-doubt  
  
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence  
  
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that  
  
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours  
  
There's still a little place called  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
I said "A" (A)  
  
"L" (L)  
  
"B" (B)  
  
"U" (U)  
  
"querque" (querque)  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque (A/N-sorry for all you people who hate lyrics written out. I couldn't resist, this is a really funny song)  
  
Albuquerque" the song died out as the final guitar solo ended. Everyone started blinking strangely, and looking as though they were waking up. Dumbledore glared at Merry and Pippin.  
"You charmed us so that we would have to listen to your disgusting Weird Al and actually LIKE IT! You filthy little hobbits!"  
"Actually," Pippin offered. "It wasn't us that was charming you. That was Fred and George,"  
"PIPPIN!" Merry glowered. "You weren't supposed to tell him that!"  
"Whoops, sorry,"  
"OUT!" Dumbledore rumbled. "Out. I will meet you in my office tomorrow. You will be punished for this," Merry and Pippin slunk out of the room. "Next, we have Professor White, hopefully performing a rather sedate version of 'Yesterday', by the Beatles,"  
Gandalf sang well, although the performance was marred slightly by the fact that he kept glancing at Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle while singing. Isn't he just so subtle? After Professor White Arwen sang "Barbie Girl", while dancing in a fashion similar to that of Legolas, however she did not perform a strip tease, much to the dismay of her new fan club. Suddenly, it seemed there was no one left to perform. Except for one person, who was trying to find the darkest, most shadowy corner to hide in, and not succeeding, as Harry, Hermione and Aragorn were attempting to drag her onto the stage. She was putting up a pretty good fight though, and she almost managed to break loose once. Thankfully Ron, Gimli and Legolas were waiting for just such an occasion to help out, and she was caught before she went two steps. When they finally managed to get her on stage, she realized that she would never win, and she stopped fighting. The company slid off the stage, and left Elizabeth alone as the lights dimmed and quiet music started.  
"How soft a whisper can get, when you're walking through a crowded place. I hear every word being said. And I remember that every day, I get a little bit closer, to you. How long an hour can take When you're starting into open space When I feel I'm slipping further away I remember that everyday I get a little bit closer to you, you," the crowd had quieted, as Elizabeth was singing with such feeling and grace. The song seemed to flow straight from her heart and out across the crowd.  
  
"These are the days That I won't get back I won't hear you cry Or hear you laugh And when it's quite And I don't hear a thing I can always hear you breathe  
  
You know there's nowhere else I've wanted to be Than be there when you need me I'm sorry too But don't give up on me And just remember that when you get asleep I got a little bit closer to you, you," Elizabeth opened her eyes, and looked out across the crowd, a shy smile playing at her lips. No one noticed when her gaze lingered slightly longer than was necessary on a certain someone. Slowly, the applause began, and grew into a tumultuous roar. Elizabeth joined her friends, as the DJ (Lee Jordan) stepped onto the stage, and the line appeared for requests. Most of the younger students made their way upstairs to dorms, and the older students headed towards the dance floor. Legolas was mobbed by his fan club demanding another performance, which, surprisingly also contained a second year boy. The elf led the obsessive fans outside, and thankfully no one could hear what they were doing over the music. Lee had put on "White Flag" by Dido as a request from Aragorn. Harry glanced at Elizabeth.  
"Do you want to dance?" she nodded, shy again. They danced for a while, edging closer as each new song began. Finally, around one o clock, Harry leaned towards Elizabeth, and their lips met softly. The music swelled, the narrator scoffed, the crowd gazed, and suddenly, a figure appeared in the front of the Great Hall, surrounded by a green glow. Harry and Elizabeth pulled away from each other to stare at the person, as everyone else in the hall was doing.  
"Is the microphone working?" came a squeaky voice. "Ok, I think it's on now. Hrm, erm, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Hand over Harry and no one gets hurt!" Most of the people in the Hall started giggling, but there were a few shrieks and squeals from the more squeamish students. "Hey! You're all supposed to scream and maybe cry! You're not supposed to laugh!" suddenly, two high-pitched shrieks of terror sounding, echoing around the Hall for many minutes afterward. "That's more like it! Anyway, I'm Lord Voldemort, and you shall all BOW before me! BWAHAHAHAHA!"  
"Get out of here Moldy Voldy!" Dumbledore ran forward, brandishing his wand.  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"  
"Ok, just as long as you leave,"  
"Ok then, but you have to promise not to call me that!"  
"I promise,"  
"Ok, I'm leaving," Dear Moldy Voldy whined, and disappeared in a whirl of lights and color.  
"Well okey dokey, that's just a wonderful villain, now isn't it?" the narrator asked, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.  
"WHAT?" everyone demanded.  
"Never mind, forget I said that,"  
Ok, sorry for misleading you into thinking this was a long chapter when it was mostly song lyrics. Hehe, I know I'm evil. Anyway, if you like it REVIEW! If you don't like it, REVIEW anyway. Just tell me what you think, and the more reviews I get, the sooner I update, and the longer the chapters are. So what are you waiting for? REVIEW! 


	14. The Council of Hogwarts, and First Kisse...

Yay! Reviews make me happy! And they make me update! Anyway, thanks to Cap'n Keira Sparrow, for reviewing chap. 12. Also thankee to Suuki-Aldrea, still my most lovely and on time reviewer. I don't think this is going to be centered around Harry/Elizabeth, but that will be a subplot, as will Hermione/Jack. I was feeling romantic. The main thing will have to do w/dear Moldy Voldy. Sirius Sweetie just reviewed and requested more Jack/Hermione, so I will put in more about that to make her happy. Thanks also to He Mele No Lilo for reviewing chapters 1 and 2. I love reviews. Oh, and sorry about the really really long song. If I remember correctly it's 11 minutes and 21 seconds. But it's still really funny. Anyway, thanks to all of you for reading, and On with the show!  
  
Once Moldy Voldy had left, Dumbledore cleared his throat once or twice to get everyone's attention. Most people were still laughing, so it took a while before he managed to succeed, but eventually he did.  
"Sorry about that, it wasn't planned. Um, thank you to all the students who performed, you were wonderful, and thank you all for coming, but I'm afraid the Pops Concert has finally (after about three chapters worth of it) come to an end. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves, and have a wonderful weekend," he cut through the crowd and headed towards his office. People began filing slowly out of the hall and towards their common rooms, but the Fellowship congregated in the Gryffindor Common room, along with Elizabeth, Jack, Hermione, Harry and Ron.  
"Do you know what that was about Harry?" Elizabeth asked for everyone that didn't know about Moldy Voldy and his, erm, history, with Harry.  
"Don't you know about Lord Voldemort?" Hermione glared at Harry as he said that, and Ron started getting pale and sweaty.  
"Well, he killed my parents, and tried to kill me, but couldn't. His curse rebounded on him, and he was almost killed. Now he's after me again. Stupid, bloody, dark wizards. I'll get you Voldemort, just see if I will!" Ron fainted as Harry said Voldemort again, but no one else cared. "Anyway, he wants to kill me, but I think there might be something else too,"  
"If Voldemort gets a hold of Harry, he will have the power to destroy us all!" Gandalf declared forcefully.  
"WHAT?" everyone replied in that perfectly synchronized voice that makes you think they're doing it on purpose.  
"Well, obviously Harry has far more power than a normal wizard, and if Voldemort harnesses that power, and melds it with his own, well, bad things will happen,"  
"What can we do?" Hermione asked. "Obviously we can't just sit around here and wait for Voldemort to attack us when we least expect it. There must be some way we can protect Harry,"  
"There is no way. Voldemort is stronger than any of us can imagine," at this Harry snorted, but Gandalf didn't notice. "We must do what Voldemort will never expect. We must destroy Harry," there was a collective gasp from everyone not in the Fellowship, and Pippin.  
"Come on Gandalf, just cause that worked once doesn't mean it will give us a good plot this time. I mean, come on, are we going to have to take him to Mount Wannahakalugie and throw him into the fiery chasm from whence he came? Oh that sounded really disgusting. Sorry," Aragorn winced.  
"No, that won't work. What we have to do instead is...destroy Voldemort," Harry stated calmly. Ron fainted again, and Hermione looked almost ready to.  
"That's actually a good idea," Pippin piped preppily (say that five times fast why don't ya?). "I'm surprised you managed to come up with something credible so fast,"  
"HOW do we destroy Voldemort is the question, not do we," Jack added.  
"Well, I don't think we can do anything tonight, but I think we should have a plan by Halloween, or at least another idea if we don't have a plan," Hermione suggested.  
"Ok," Ron yawned, getting up from the floor where he had landed on Crookshanks. The group dispersed to their various common rooms, except for Elizabeth and Harry, who "weren't really tired yet" yawn. After everyone else was gone they sat for a moment in an uncomfortable silence. Elizabeth sat, admiring the amazing shade of Harry's eyes, his wonderfully mussy hair. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, wondering what she was thinking, and drinking in the sight of here beautiful face.  
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND KISS HER?" the narrator demanded, finally sick of all the romantic tension, and wishing there would be a long tonsil-sucking session soon that she could make fun of. Harry glared at the nothingness, wishing he actually did have the nerve to kiss Elizabeth.  
"Wait, forget I said that, but do kiss her," the narrator commanded, and they forgot about hearing the voice from nowhere. Slowly, Harry leaned towards Elizabeth and kissed her softly. There followed a long tonsil- sucking session, which the narrator watched gleefully, even popping popcorn and making up inappropriate song lyrics about Harry and Elizabeth. We'll just give them some privacy now. I think they deserve as much as they can get with the nasty narrator lurking around in the corners. You never know when she'll show up.  
  
Meanwhile, in other parts of the castle (aka the Room of Requirement) another couple was having their first kiss, though a tad less passionate, and without the nosy narrator butting in and forcing it upon them. I'm sure Harry and Elizabeth will be hurt for life. Jack and Hermione had left the meeting together, and Hermione had pulled him away from the path to his dorm and towards the Room of Requirement. When the had entered the room it was a small, romantic setting with a few comfortable arm chairs, a couch and a coffee table with a vase of roses. The lighting was dim, and there was quiet music in the background. Jack looked around in astonishment.  
"What is this place?" he asked.  
"That doesn't matter. What matters is that we're alone, and I can finally ask you what has been bugging me all night. Why did you say that when I finished my song?"  
"Well, because, well, I really like you Hermione. Not just as a friend either. Uh, how do I say this?" Jack was starting to turn red. He wasn't used to being sincere, and didn't know how to say what he was feeling. He didn't like the feeling of being unable to express himself and keep in control of the situation.  
"I think I know how to say it," Hermione whispered. She leaned forward, and Jack realized she wanted him to kiss her. He panicked for a moment, then realized that here was something he knew how to do. They kissed, not passionately, but sweetly. Suddenly, Jack pulled away.  
"I'm sorry, I can't do this," he blurted. "This just won't work!" he got up and hurried out of the room, thinking 'I can't do this. I can't take advantage of someone that young and capable. She doesn't realize what she's doing. She'll come to her senses by tomorrow. It was all just a mistake.' But he knew it wasn't a mistake. That kiss was the most obviously not mistake thing that had happened to him since, well, being born, which was the biggest not mistake in the history of the universe.  
Sorry for the shortness, I got a tad of the block. Do you like the romance? If it's too cheesy or angsty just let me know, I think I overdid it a little. I give new fan fictions and chapters to reviewers. Or if you really want, I might hand out a Jamba Juice to a lucky few. Ahhh Jamba. Cool loveliness. 


	15. Accidentally in Love

Thankee so far to pIPPINpIRATE for leaving a pretty much unintelligible review of chap 13, but I think it was friendly. I'll see if I can work in something about Wallace and Gromit for you pats her on the head and gives her a cookie. Ok, I wrote the beginning of this before anyone reviewed chapter 14...oh wait, no one has reviewed chapter 14 yet, so if someone leaves a review saying they hated the romance, and don't want any more, well too bad for now. I couldn't help it. So, if you hate that kind of thing, skip this first part, it isn't very funny. It's your own fault for not reviewing. Anyway, on with the show.  
As Jack made his way back to the Ravenclaw common room, he couldn't believe what he had almost done. Thought were whirling around in his head, but the most disturbing was the fact the song "Accidentally in Love" by Counting Crows kept running through his head.  
'How could I have done that, she must hate me. So she said what's the problem baby  
  
What's the problem I don't know  
  
Well maybe I'm in love (love)  
  
Think about it every time  
  
I think about it  
  
Can't stop thinking 'bout it. Go away, I don't care about this stupid song. But she was the one who wanted to kiss.  
  
How much longer will it take to cure this  
  
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)  
  
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love. UGH! But the way she looked at me when I was leaving. It was like she hated my guts. But that could have been because of the fact that I stopped kissing. She might have just been surprised.  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Turn a little faster  
  
Come on, come on  
  
The world will follow after  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Cause everybody's after love. But what if she wasn't. What if she didn't want the kiss? I need to stop brooding. Where's my Walkman. Wait, I'm not back to the dorms yet. I really am losing it.  
  
So I said I'm a snowball running  
  
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love  
  
Melting under blue skies  
  
Belting out sunlight  
  
Shimmering love. I so need to stop listening to that song. I don't even like the Shrek 2 soundtrack. Or do I?  
  
Well baby I surrender  
  
To the strawberry ice cream  
  
Never ever enter all this love  
  
Well I didn't mean to do it  
  
But there's no escaping your love. Keep to the subject! Stop letting your thoughts wander. We need to discuss the evidence.  
  
These lines of lightning  
  
Mean we're never alone,  
  
Never alone, no, no . If we ever can with this stupid song! Anyway, item 1-she is a smart, young, prettyish, and kinda popular witch, who could curse me into oblivion. Very practical. Not the kind of person that likes Jack Sparrow, except as a passing crush until she gets to know him.  
  
Come on, Come on  
  
Move a little closer  
  
Come on, Come on  
  
I want to hear you whisper  
  
Come on, Come on  
  
Settle down inside my love. Item 2-I really like her, possibly even love her. Her feelings are unknown. She looked at me extremely strangely when I said I'd love her at the concert, but everyone was.  
  
Come on, come on  
  
Jump a little higher  
  
Come on, come on  
  
If you feel a little lighter  
  
Come on, come on  
  
We were once  
  
Upon a time in love Item 3-she was the one who instigated the kiss, and I was the one who pulled away.  
  
We're accidentally in love  
  
Accidentally in love (x7)  
  
Accidentally  
  
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,  
  
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,  
  
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,  
  
Accidentally (x2) In conclusion, we wait for her to make the next move. She probably just thought I was cute, but as she gets to know me better, she'll realize she doesn't like me. I'm not her type. The only problem is what I'll do to stop liking her. I'll get over her, I'm sure there must be some way to get her out of my head. And some way to get this stupid song out of my head too!'  
  
As Jack reached the dorms, he pulled off his clothes, and grabbed his Walkman, jamming the 13 Going on 30 soundtrack into it. He hadn't realized it was a girly movie, as he had never seen it, but he still liked the songs. He fell asleep to "Vienna" by Billy Joel (which is, by the way, one of the best songs in the history of the universe).  
  
The next day Jack wasn't quite the same as usual, or else more himself than usual, flirting with any female in a two-yard radius. Yet, even as he seemed to be living the moment more than usual, if you were watching carefully you could tell he was strangely preoccupied. Every time he saw Hermione, he started talking animatedly to someone else, making large hand gestures, and seeming to be extremely involved in his conversation so that he wouldn't have to speak to her. Hermione, for her part was handling it quite well. She could tell he was avoiding her, and had guessed that he was uncomfortable, thinking she just had a passing crush. But she knew otherwise. Quietly, Hermione was formulating a plan to show Jack and almost everyone else in Ravenclaw just how much she liked him. If anyone else noticed something odd going on between Hermione and Jack, they didn't comment, as everyone was far too rapped up in Harry and Elizabeth dating. They had been seen snogging, holding hands and generally being disgusting many times, but they still acted like themselves at least. Will, having heard of this, had become even more depressed than he was before, and because Hagrid could do nothing for him, he had moved to Hogsmeade, and could often be heard listening to the song "Jessie's Girl", singing along and substituting Harry for Jessie. Things were very strange, and because of the interesting developments, no one had though about Voldemort. Except for two girls.  
  
Parvati and Lavender stood in front of the huge snake, telling it everything they knew about Harry Potter.  
"And he just started going out with Elizabeth Swann. Lucky person, but personally I like Pippin more,"  
"Merry all the way,"  
"Excuse me, but we have business to do," Voldemort hissed through Nagini.  
"Oh, that's everything we know,"  
"Interesting. Are you very close to Harry?"  
"Not really," replied Parvati for both of them.  
"Do you think you could get closer to Merry and Pippin? I know they know a lot about him, and you could use them to get to him,"  
"Yes, Lord Voldy," Lavender smiled. She had no idea she was about to be Crucio'd into the next universe, as she had heard Nagini calling the dark lord this many times.  
"You may go now," Voldemort dismissed the two girls, who hurried off, giggling about how they would seduce (ooooh, tsk tsk) Merry and Pippin. "Nagini, get back here, we have a lot to talk about, and plan,"  
"Yes, master Moldymort," Nagini disappeared in a small cloud of smoke, as faint strains of the "Trust in Me" song that Kaa sings could be heard. They did have planning to do. They would strike again soon, and this time it would be planned better. Maybe. The Dark Lord had always been a slow learner, and it had been Nagini and Crouch who had planned most of the last attack. Voldy always just wanted to rush right into things. Oh well, too bad.  
  
Five minutes later, in the Dark Lord's headquarters Moldy Voldy, Nagini, Wormtail, and Barty Crouch were gathered in a meeting to discuss what they had learned.  
"Well, we got his class schedule, so we know where he's going to be all the time," Nagini started.  
"We know who his friends are, and we know he has a girlfriend. Maybe if we do something to her, we can get to him. Hmmmm," Voldemort started stroking the little wisp of nothingness that was his beard. It was hard to grow a beard when you were stuck between life and death.  
"Uh, Lord Voldemort?" Crouch was looking uncomfortable.  
"Yes?"  
"Why are we listening to the Jaws soundtrack?"  
"Because!" Voldy snapped. "It's my favorite CD, and if you don't like it, you can leave, and if you leave, you can never tell anyone about this if you don't want to get Crucio'd into next week,"  
"Ok, I'll stay. Just wondering," Crouch replied meekly.  
"Anyway, back to my idea. If we capture his girlfriend, he'll have to save her. It's his personality, he can't help coming after me. And he always manages to end up alone. It's PERFECT!" Voldy was shouting.  
"Just one problem," Peter muttered.  
"WHAT?"  
"How do we get his girlfriend?"  
"We'll figure that out when we're capturing her,"  
"I think we'd better plan that now,"  
"Fine then. We'll plan," Voldemort agreed sullenly. So they did, but I can't tell you what they planned, now can I? Cause that would just ruin the story line. So I'll leave you hanging (not), and you'll just have to review so that I update. That's a hint. 


	16. What I Like About You

Ok, sorry for it being so very long since the last chapter. I had a really busy week, but it was all good. Anyway, thank you to basically everyone for reviewing, you all rock! This is probably going to be a really bad and extremely short chapter, as I have kinda forgotten what's been happening, so bear with me and we should be able to get back on schedule soon. Anyway, on with the show!  
  
It was nearing Halloween, and as usual the grounds were insane with preparation. Jack, Elizabeth and the Fellowship had no idea what Halloween was, so Hermione researched it for them, and gave them a full lecture on the origins and traditions of Halloween around the world. Jack spent half the lecture trying not to look at Hermione, and the other half looking at her and trying to look like he wasn't. Hermione spent the whole lecture pretending she didn't notice Jack trying not to look like he was looking at her. Merry and Pippin didn't notice, Elizabeth was too busy paying attention and taking notes, and everyone else was watching with interest, wondering who would realize they were being watched first. Neither one did. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were hanging around with Merry and Pippin a lot. By week of Halloween it was common knowledge that Lavender and Pip were dating. Merry and Parvati were still in preliminary stages of dating, but most people could tell it was just a matter of time.  
It was the night before Halloween, and Hermione was ready to put her plan into action. She had asked Fred, George and Elizabeth to help her by playing bass, drums and back up. They had set up outside the Ravenclaw common room, which had a window looking out from the first floor onto the grounds. Ron was keeping watch for when Jack came into the common room, and finally he gave the signal. Hermione took a deep breath, and they started the intro.  
"Hey! Hey! Uh uh huh Hey! Uh uh huh" the window had opened, and most of the Ravenclaws were attempting to stuff their heads out to see what was happening. "What I like about you You are the smartest guy here," at this, some of the other guys started grumbling, but almost every person there was sighing with how romantic this was. "And you are the cutest one Just take a look in the mirror!  
  
Just start whisperin in my ear, Tell me all the things that I wanna hear Cause it's true, That's what I like about you!" Jack had finally decided to take a look at what was happening, and had managed to get a good look at Hermione. She smiled straight at him, and sang on.  
  
"What I like about you, You have a sweet and cool voice, You know how to party too, Jump around, make some noise!  
  
Just start whipserin in my ear, Tell me all the things that I wanna hear, Cause it's true, That's what I like about you!" Here Hermione paused, and the background music went on. She walked over to the window, and everyone pulled their heads back inside. She leaned towards Jack, and kissed him in front of everyone. Amazingly, he kissed her back. He knew he hadn't made a mistake kissing her before. They finished the kiss, and she ran back to her mic. "Uh uh huh --  
  
Hey! --  
  
Hey! --  
  
Hey! --  
  
Hey! –  
  
What I like about you, You're always really smooth, Know just what you wanna say, Got more fame than the Louvre!  
  
Yeaahhhhh --  
  
just start wisperin' in my ear  
  
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear  
  
Cause its true  
  
That's what I like about you  
  
That's what I like about you (What I like about you) {Repeat 9x}  
  
Hey! -- Uh uh huh  
  
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!  
  
Uh uh huh  
  
HEY"  
  
By the next day it was everywhere that Hermione and Jack were dating.  
  
"Well duh how could it not be?" shut up Narrator. I don't care what you think.  
"Ah, well I'm sure everyone else cares though, so here's what I think. That was WAY TOO CHEESY! What were you thinking?" That I like cheesy stuff, so too bad for you. Anyway, because of the Narrator's rude interruption, this will be all I write for now. Any requests to throw things at her will probably be done, especially if they come in the form of reviews. So, what are you waiting for? Review, and I'll update and throw stuff at the Narrator. 


	17. Dum Dum Dum aka Halloween

Ok, thank you to pIPPINpIRATE, for being the first luvverly reviewer, and also thanks to Sirius Sweetie. Yes, I did sub lyrics for "What I Like About You". Did you like them? I thought they were really bad. Anyway, Sirius Sweetie is my reviewer of the week, and reviewer of the month if she follows up on her promise. Thankee to lady of pirates for reviewing. Sorry I insulted Orlando Bloom, but I happen to hate him. He's taking over the world, and he isn't even that good of an actor, and he is not cute. I don't get how you people can think that. Personally, I think he's a smug drunk monkey. And if you like him, he's taken over your mind too. I just think he's over rated. Sort of like Harry Potter (please don't kill me Sirius Sweetie). So sorry if your mind has been taken over by mass media. It's not my fault. Ok, you can flame and hate on me all you want for that little rant, I really couldn't care less. Just keep reviewing, and I will be in heaven. Anyway, on with the show!  
  
It was Halloween, and the whole school was flocking to the Great Hall for the feast. Dumbledore had set up the tables slightly differently this year at the request of students who wanted to sit with their friends from other houses. In the middle of the hall were large tables set for ten to twelve people. Around the edge were small nooks with tables set for two, or booths with enough room for four or five. Hermione and Jack hurried to one of the small tables with a rose in a vase on it. Elizabeth and Harry took another small table on the opposite side of the room. Disturbingly, Aragorn and Will sat together at a table for two, and they were holding hands for most of the feast. Fred, George, Merry and Pippin took a booth, muttering about Jack abandoning them, but they really didn't care. Lavender and Parvati managed to convince Merry and Pippin to leave Fred and George and come sit with everyone else, specifically them. Fred and George finally gave up, and sat with everyone else at a table set for twelve. They were joined by Legolas, Cho, Ron, Arwen, Gandalf, and Gimli. Merry and Pippin were sitting next to each other, and each one was sitting next to his girlfriend. The twins were sitting next to each other. Cho wasn't sitting next to any girls, and Legolas was sitting next to two girls. Lavender was sitting next to a twin. Gimli and Arwen were sitting next to a professor. Ron was sitting next to. Gimli was sitting next to Fred. Ron was not sitting next to Lavender or Parvati. Who was sitting where? (Just so you know, the table is a circle. It helps to draw it.) Submit results in a review.  
Ok, sorry about that, I felt like including that strange piece of trivia. The answers will be revealed in the next chapter. That is, if I can find them and if anyone guesses. So guess! Oh yeah, the rest of this chap will probably be really really bad because my pathetic excuse for a muse enjoys abandoning me for short stretches to punish me when I haven't written lately. Anyway, on with the show. When all the students had finally been seated to everyone's satisfaction (many of the younger students spent a while arguing over who could sit where and Harry had to spend almost five minutes yelling at Colin Creevey, who wanted to sit with Harry and Elizabeth) Dumbledore stood and began his speech (what's with this guy and speeches?).  
"Welcome, everyone, and a happy Halloween! I hope you have all found the tables arranged to your satisfaction?" there was a thunderous roar of applause, much of it coming from the smaller tables. "I have a few announcements. To those students who came to Hogwarts after the start of term, and a reminder to some of you who have known this for years, THE FORBIDDEN FOREST IS OFF LIMITS TO STUDENTS. That is for your own safety. Please follow the rules we set into place, they are there for a reason. Also, a special thank you to those students who have helped our foreign students feel welcome. I'll let you all eat now, as I'm sure you're hungry," Dumbledore sat, and food appeared on the tables as usual. The students attacked it with a hungry ferocity. A friendly chatter began to grow through the hall, and the next hour passed quickly for everyone. Slowly, students stopped heaping more food on their plates, and eventually even the Weasleys were finished. Dumbledore was just beginning to stand when the doors to the Great Hall were suddenly thrown open.  
"It's You Know Who!" a girl yelled. Most of the younger students shrieked, but the older ones started giggling, remembering the last time He had attacked them. Quickly, the giggles diminished as they realized that Voldy wasn't alone this time. An army of Death Eaters surrounded him. The teachers grabbed their wands, and prefects began herding the students towards the other end of the hall. The hall rang with spells, and in the middle of it all Dumbledore blasted his way through Death Eaters short and tall to get to Voldemort. By this time most of the students were running towards the far end of the hall, and trying to find a way out. Heads swiveled as a commotion broke out.  
"Jack, you can't stay, you're not even close to their skill," a prefect was shouting.  
"I don't care, it's my duty," the pirate wrenched his arm out of the prefects grasp, and pulled out his wand. "Accio sword!" he yelled. Death Eaters hit the dirt as Jack's sword flew through the door and straight into his grasp. He leapt into the fray, sword quick as lightning, dancing between spells, and cutting down anyone who got in his way. Yet the Death Eaters kept advancing. They had almost reached the students, and they were right next to Harry and Elizabeth. Suddenly, as if by an unspoken command they retreated, turning tail and fleeing onto the grounds, where they disappeared one by one.  
The teachers, and a few of the older students who had joined them stood quietly, panting. Jack however, was looking for wounded when he noticed Hermione staring at him with a horrified look on her face.  
"What?"  
"You killed them. You killed men without a thought to what would happen. I-I didn't know you were like this," she spun around and hurried into the crowd. Jack stood, his chin down around the floor. Merry walked by, and noticing his dilemma decided to help, so he picked up Jack's mouth, and tried to put it back in its proper position. It didn't' really work, and long story short, Jack's mouth ended up in Romania.  
"Why didn't they take Harry?" Colin asked loudly. "They were right next to him," the third year stared adoringly at his role model, who was looking like he had just been hit by a train. "What is it Harry, what happened?" Colin asked, bouncing up and down.  
"They, they took Elizabeth," Harry replied hollowly.  
  
Dum dum dum. I told you it would be horrible. Leave reviews, and I update, or give you cookies. So pretty please leave reviews. 


	18. Why Didn't They Do Anything To Harry?

Thank you to all my luvverly reviewers. Welcome to my fanfic StarMoonBunny. And Orlando Bloom isn't a god. He just thinks he is, and is warping everyone else's mind to think he is. But some of us here know better. Thanks to Sirius Sweetie, for even mentioning what I asked you all to review about (aka the table arrangements, hehe it's really stupid I know). PIPPINpIRATE, you rock! Orlando Bloom is evil! Suuki-Adrea- thankee, luvverly review. All in good time young grasshopper. They're not just going to tell everyone if no one suspects them. And I kinda forgot about them, so I'll put in more hints for our poor heroes. I won't post the answer to the table thing, because I can't find it, and because no one guessed. Uh, this chapters gonna have a lot of romance, so if anyone is getting sick of it, just let me know and I'll cut back. I really can't help it. I'm thinking of changing my username, so help me out. If u like Mitten of Insanity better than Aurora Moonsong, tell me, or if u have any other suggestions. And no, Lucy, I will not change it to Fickle Birdy. Anyway, hope you enjoy, everyone needs to go out, rent Amadeus and watch it, and on with the show!  
  
"Well that was stupid. They were standing right next to Harry, why didn't they just grab him?" Colin demanded. Voldemort stuck his head back in the hall and stuck his tongue out at the young boy.  
"It's all part of my master plan, idiot. You have no idea why my brilliant scheme will work, but it will! MWAHAHAHAHAAA ah, ack cough," the evil cackle diminished into a hacking fit. By the time Voldy had recovered, the whole hall was laughing. "I really need to work on the that," he muttered, and disappeared.  
"It doesn't matter why they did it!" Harry moaned. "What matters is how we get her back!"  
"I'm afraid that's not possible Harry," Dumbledore said quietly.  
"Why not?" he demanded.  
"Because it would require finding where they were taking Elizabeth, which would probably be the main headquarters of the Death Eaters, then we would have to either sneak into their headquarters, or mount a full scale attack on it, neither of which do we have the resources or ability to do. I'm sorry, we can't do anything. I will notify Cornelius Fudge immediately, but it's likely he won't do anything. It's the best I can do. Please don't try anything yourself, that would be stupid," Dumbledore turned from Harry and addressed the student body. "Please return to your dorms immediately, the teachers will spend the rest of the night searching the castle to see if any of the Death Eaters have remained behind and are still in the castle. Thank you,"  
A soft chatter started as the students made their way to the dorms. Harry was crying softly (A disembodied voice yelled "WIMP!" and pelted him with rotten fruit), Ron was teasing him about being a wuss, Jack was trying to talk to Hermione, Hermione was ignoring Jack, Merry, Pippin, Fred and George were discussing how they could profit from this encounter, and disturbingly, Aragorn and Will were making out. Arwen was trailing sadly along behind them and tapping Aragorn on the shoulder.  
"Aragorn, honey? Aragorn! ARAGORN! Stop exhibiting your homosexual tendencies! Remember, the therapist said you could move past this!" Aragorn stopped snogging the pants off Will (not literally you sicko!) long enough to give her a long, long, look. Arwen got the hint and went off to change into a long sequiny gown. As she was leaving she passed a random Gryffindor holding a boom box. It was playing "Holding Out for a Hero" by Frou Frou.  
"STOP PLAYING THAT!" she yelled, in a very spazzy kind of way. "I'm NOT holding out for a hero! I'm perfectly fine! Why do you all keep looking at me all weird?" she snapped at no one. A random Hufflepuff passed by and she pulled her sunglasses (which she just happened to be wearing) down and raised her eyebrows at him.  
"Call me," she mouthed at him.  
"Get your hormones in check you fickle birdie!" the narrator yelled at Arwen, who started pouting and went off to change.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was currently in his dormitory with Ron. Harry was busily giving Ron a manicure and pedicure and eating chocolate, and Ron.... Ron was just enjoying it all.  
"Harry? Remind me why we, two macho, sophisticated, devilishly handsome (and eligible, ladies) Hogwarts bachelors are doing this?" Ron asked. Harry's big, soulful green eyes filled up with fat tears.  
"I'm NOT eligible! My girlfriend's been kidnapped by VOLDEMORT! (At this all the Gryffindors stuck their heads into the dorm and gasped) GET OUT YOU FREAKS! And I'm depressed, so I need to eat chocolate and do someone's nails,"  
"Oh, I forgot, there's only one macho, sophisticated, devilishly handsome guy in this room," Ron replied, sticking his head out the door and winking at all the people eavesdropping on them. All the girls in the crowd swooned and the guys gave Ron dirty looks.  
"Sorry, mates." And with that he went back inside. Harry was now pulling his messy hair into small pigtails on either side of his head. Ron walked over and pulled his hands down, keeping hold of them and leading Harry over to Seamus' empty bed. He sat Harry down.  
"Harry, you know that you're my best friend, and I can tell you anything?" Harry nodded, licking his lip glossed lips. (A/N- Harry can't deal with grief very well.) Ron leaned a smidge closer.  
"Harry, I've wanted to say this ever since we saved Sirius last year. I spent all summer thinking about it, and I think now's the time to say something that (hopefully) you will take to heart." Harry nodded puzzledly. (A/N- you all think Ron's gay, don't you?)  
"GET A LIFE!!!!" Harry looked shocked. Ron shook his head sadly.  
"Honestly, every time something bad happens you get out the kit and masquerade around Hogsmeade. And while I'll be the first to admit you make an attractive female... It's not right! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!" Harry's eyes started filling up with tears.  
"You, you don't like the way I deal with things?" he sniffed, and pulled himself together as his mascara started to run. "Well then we don't have to be friends anymore. Good bye!" Harry threw himself dramatically out the door, slamming it behind him. There was a pause, then the effect was ruined by Harry's voice coming through the door saying, "Why are all these people out here?"  
  
Meanwhile Jack was attempting to talk to Hermione, who was determinedly ignoring him.  
"Come on 'Mione, what did I do?" he begged. In response she threw him a look that said, "If you're too stupid to figure it out, you don't deserve to know," He sighed dejectedly, hoping someone might take pity on him and tell him what he had done wrong. He had acted properly heroic, not panicking as the other students had, and had calmly handled the situation, protecting Hermione, and killing some of the Death Eaters in the process. What could be bad about that? "Please tell me?" he begged, but she just kept on walking. Finally he gave up, and dropped back to talk to Fred and George.  
"Wha' did I do mates? Everythin' was goin' perfectly, now she won' even speak to me," Jack gazed at the twins, pleading them to tell him what was wrong. They were staring at him rather strangely.  
"Jack, you killed two people right in front of her. Hermione's never seen anyone die before, it really shocked her that you could do something like that without thinking." Fred told him, showing surprising knowledge of Hermione's mind. Physco stalker!  
"But-but, I was protecting her, I was doing the right thing. I-ok, I'll stop now, nothing I can do about what I've already done. Now I just have to come up with some way to get her to like me again. Hmmmmmm," Jack started stroking his beard in that really creepy physco stalker-ish way.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I love that phrase), Merry and Pippin had decided to drink as a celebration of the hard-earned victory over the Death Eaters. They were sitting in their dorm, passing around ale from the Green Dragon that they had brought with them. They were singing that luvverly song from the Return of the King, that I wish I knew all the words to, bad sadly don't.  
"You can drink your fancy ales, you can drink them by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and true, comes from the Green Dragon!"  
"Good times, good times," the narrator butted in.  
"Wha'" Pip asked.  
"Nothing, nothing, just forget I said that," so they did, and they drank the night away, until Professor Sprout came in and gave them all detention again.  
So, do you all love my luvverly chapter? Or are u completely sick of romance, and want me to get on with the plot? Do u think it sucked beyond belief? I really don't care what u think, just so long as u leave it in a review. Wait, that didn't sound right. I meant I only care about what u think if u leave it in a review. However, a hint. Glowing reviews, or plot suggestions make me write more than "This sucked beyond belief". 


	19. Isn't It So CUTE?

Yo yo all u happy people! How's life treatin' y'all? Sorry I haven't updated sooner, I've got The Block, and it's pure evil. I need to start this chappie now, but either it will be really short or not be finished for a while, as I have a swim meet this weekend, leaving virtually no time for anything that I actually like. So, thankee to the luvverly reviewers, SiriusSweetie, as usual, u rock, Suuki-Aldrea, u rock too. Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated, suggestions, dislikes, complaints, plot ideas, I'd even enjoy a flame if it gave me some ideas. Also, I have decided I will change my penname to Nenfea. I'll wait for people to read this chap, then switch it. Probably when I update again. Anyway, on with the show!  
  
Jack Sparrow had spent the entire night planning. He hadn't slept; he was far too busy thinking of ways to win back Hermione to do that. His first idea had been to explain his view of the situation, but that was far too boring, and not-Sparrowish, so he decided to go for something more interesting. Even if it was copying everyone else in this fic, he didn't care; he still wanted to do it. So, he spent the rest of the evening planning when and where...  
  
The next morning was a rather normal affair. Merry and Pippin were a tad depressed, as they had added another week onto their rounds of detention. They wouldn't have a free night until sometime in February. Aragorn and Will had gone public about the fact that they were dating, Harry was still being teased by everyone about what a wuss he was, and he was still crying. Arwen was flirting with every male in sight, and Ron was the only one flirting back. Hermione was still ignoring Jack, but for some reason he wasn't taking it as hard as usual. He seemed hopeful for some reason. He sat, cheerfully conversing with Fred and George, planning their next evil scheme and turning the porridge into pudding. Hermione sullenly buried her face in a book ("Giants: Monsters or Misunderstood?" to be exact) and began devouring bacon at an astonishing rate. When Lavender approached her and asked if she might want to cut down a little, she just glared.  
"I'm ignoring the coolest guy in the world for making a little mistake, I need a some consolation here," she snapped.  
"Ok, ok, I'm just trying to be friendly," Lavender replied, and went off to sit with Parvati, Merry and Pippin.  
Hermione sighed, and looked at the next piece of bacon. "Why me? Why do I have to like the coolest guy ever, who just happens to be a murderer?"  
"Well how am I supposed to know that? I didn't even know you liked the coolest guy in the world! Johnny Depp is a murderer?" the bacon replied. Hermione stared for a moment.  
"I knew I shouldn't have had quite as much chocolate last night. Or else taken one of those sleeping pills. I've moved into the hallucination stage. Oh well, might as well just go along with it," she turned her attention back to the bacon. "I wasn't really addressing that question to you, it was more a general lament. Johnny Depp isn't a murderer. He isn't the coolest guy in the world, Jack Sparrow is,"  
"Ok, that is so not cool Hermione. You shouldn't lie," the narrator butted in, as usual.  
"Shut up," Hermione snapped back. "Anyway, when the Death Eaters attacked the Great Hall on Halloween, he killed some of them. It was really scary how he could be so sensitive, but then just kill someone,"  
"Well if you ask me," the bacon replied. "And let's face it, you did, he was doing this in defense. He didn't want anything to happen to you. If anything, it shows that he doesn't panic, but keeps calm in bad situations,"  
"I never really thought of it that way. So he thought he was doing the right thing?" the bacon nodded, which is a very difficult trick for a piece of bacon. Hermione smiled and ate the piece of bacon. It tasted really good.  
  
A little ways down the table Jack smiled and finished off his piece of bacon. Everything had gone perfectly.  
"I thought you were going to sing to her like everyone else in this fic," the narrator sniggered.  
"Ah, I was, but I realized if I did that she wouldn't fall for it because it was overused. Now a talking piece of bacon throws her off guard so that I can do THIS!" Jack jumped out of his chair and sat instead at the piano that appeared out of nowhere. Fred and George took up the drum and guitar that suddenly were there.  
"Not again," the narrator grumbled. But no one else was listening, because this was the author's favorite song, and if anyone talked during it they would experience a slow and painful death.  
  
"Slow down you crazy child  
  
You're so ambitious for a juvenile  
  
But then if you're so smart tell me why  
  
You are still so afraid?  
  
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?  
  
You better cool it off before you burn it out  
  
You got so much to do and only  
  
So many hours in a day  
  
But you know that when the truth is told  
  
That you can get what you want  
  
Or you can just get old  
  
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through  
  
When will you realize...Sparrow waits for you  
  
Slow down you're doing fine  
  
You can't be everything you want to be  
  
Before your time  
  
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight  
  
Too bad but it's the life you lead  
  
You're so ahead of yourself  
  
That you forgot what you need  
  
Though you can see when you're wrong  
  
You know you can't always see when you're right  
  
You got your passion you got your pride  
  
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?  
  
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true  
  
When will you realize  
  
Sparrow waits for you  
  
Slow down you crazy child  
  
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while  
  
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two  
  
When will you realize...  
  
Sparrow waits for you.  
  
But you know that when the truth is told  
  
That you can get what you want  
  
Or you can just get old  
  
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through  
  
Why don't you realize...Sparrow waits for you  
  
When will you realize...Sparrow waits for you" Ahhh, Narrator, your line.  
"What? Oh sorry," the narrator looked up from her game of FreeCell. "I'm just about to win, hold on a second," the narrator won her FreeCell game and... Jack finished his song, and Hermione started crying. They made out in front of everyone for a while, and everyone ooooohhhhhed and aaaaaaahhhhhhed properly. Isn't it wonderful?  
So, if you're sick of me rambling, how about you REVIEW with a lovely suggestion, idea or anything, I really don't care. The more reviews, the more I update. 


	20. Fashion Advice

Ok, thankee to all the luvverly reviewers out there. pIPPINpIRATE, you're my new reviewer of the week! YEAH! Welcome to the fic Elenrod. Hmm, I guess I didn't really notice how evil it is. I think I use my fic to point out all the stuff I don't like about characters that people think are so perfect. I'll try to tone it down a little, but seeing as I'm not smart enough to come up with better ways of being funny, it might not happen. Thankee for reviewing though, you're the first person to give me constructive criticism. THANK YOU! Sirius Sweetie, I know it's getting way too chick flicky. If you would like to help send any suggestions for ways to move the plot away from chick flickiness in a review. Anyway, on with the show.  
  
"So, now that we've gotten all of the romance out of the way, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT ELIZABETH!?" it had been a week since Jack's little serenade, and Hermione's bacon incident, and things had been pretty much normal. It was the first snow of the year, and everyone who was anyone was outside. Fred, George, Merry, Pippin and Jack had created a snow fort and were bombarding anyone who passed with huge snowballs. The only people they didn't attack were Hermione (when Merry hit her Jack jumped on him and stuck a handful of snow down his jacket), the teachers, Lavender and Parvati.  
Everyone else was sitting (or lying) around, enjoying the snow, making snow men and angels, and making out. Oh wait, that was just Will and Aragorn.  
Anyway, Harry had waited patiently for everyone to remember that his girlfriend had been kidnapped, but they paid no attention. Al they wanted to do was sing love songs and make snow forts. So finally Harry had snapped.  
"Why are we sitting around having snow ball fights when Elizabeth is in danger?" everyone stared for a moment.  
"Are you sure you don't need the men in the white jackets again?" the Narrator asked kindly. "Because I'm sure we could get them to make a special visit, just for you!"  
"Shut up," replied Harry.  
"Tsk tsk, temper, temper," the Narrator chided, but did shut up.  
So are we going to do anything? Elizabeth could be in pain right now!"  
"I may have an idea," Jack supplied.  
"Spill," demanded Hermione. They huddled together as Jack whispered his idea.  
  
Actually, Elizabeth was not in any pain at all. Voldy had realized that during her short stay in the 21st century Elizabeth had picked up a lot of the latest fashion. Currently she was designing the new Death Eater costume.  
"So are we going robe or muggle style?" she asked, holding up two sketches. "These are just preliminary ideas, but it should give you a sense of how it will look,"  
"I think I'm leaning toward muggle," Voldy wrinkled his eyebrows, deep in thought.  
"Uh, I don't want to intrude Lord, but if you're going to be killing as many muggles and muggle borns as you can find, are you sure you want to be wearing clothes designed in their fashions?" Wormtail backed away nervously as Voldy turned to look at him. Crouch snorted in disdain.  
"I don't know Wormy, which one do you like? Oh wait, I forgot, it doesn't matter because you're not the evil dark lord here. I AM! I'M the one who makes the decisions, not you. I like the muggle one," Voldy snapped imperiously. Elizabeth nodded, and put the sketches away.  
"Look at yourself," Crouch spat. "You're using a muggle born fashion designer! And choosing muggle designs! What happened to your hatred of those mudbloods? Where are your goals? Your ideals? Your passion?" Crouch stared at Voldy, then suddenly, his world went black.  
"I hate people who don't do what I tell them to," Voldemort growled.  
"Nice backhand," the Narrator congratulated.  
"Shut up,"  
Ok, that's all I have for now, and I'm really sorry it took so long, I don't know why. Any ideas for Jack's plan are welcome, seeing as I have no idea what it is. So pretty please review! 


	21. The Singing Sausage

YAY! Thank you to Elenrod, for reviewing right away! You make me feel loved! Hands out cookies to Elenrod, and anyone else who happens to be passing by And you even tried suggesting for the plot. You win reviewer of the week! I don't know if I'll use that, but maybe something similar. I think I may have come up with something. Thankee also to pIPPINpIRATE! Maybe dear Moldy Voldy will do just that. He needs someone to model his new look. Welcome to Claire() and Jeccia(). Jeccia- if u don't know that characters, u should read the books! I didn't really think of what Elizabeth would think of Legolas, but with the hair and everything he looks pretty different. Claire-you make me feel loved! I just put together three of my favorite fandoms because I couldn't decide which one I wanted to do. Ah, I think I've already answered the Orlando Bloom thing in previous chapters, but if u hang around long enough I might start ranting. Like, half a page on why Orlando Bloom is evil. And he's not cute, or hot, or handsome. The only things I like about him is that he plays Legolas, and as Legolas he gets the pretty white knives and the really cool wig that I want to steal. But might I add those have nothing to do with him being talented or cute. I mourn that he's taken over your mind too. If u loved Sirius, then I suggest u go read some of SiriusSweetie7's stuff. Maybe send her an e-mail. As u can tell from the pen name, she was a tad obsessed too. She started calling J.K. Rowling the Murderess. Thankee so much to Suuki-Aldrea! That's a really funny idea; I'll probably use it! Well, I might twist it a little, but that doesn't matter. Thanks! Also to anyone who cares, James Taylor rocks, and you all need to go listen to him. Every time I hear Sweet Baby James I get teary because my dad used to sing it to me. If I start putting in a bunch of his songs, don't mind me. Anyway, I think I've been rambling long enough, so on with the show!  
  
Jack's plan had been just a tad far-fetched, but it was the best they had. So they put it into action. First they had to locate Elizabeth. This was the iffiest stage of the process, but they were helped along by Elizabeth herself, and the fact that she actually paid attention in class.  
  
It was breakfast the next day, and Harry was staring dejectedly at his sausage. Jack's plan had been pretty stupid, and they weren't even sure how to find her. It would work it Voldemort were really really stupid, and unfortunately for Harry, he didn't know how true that was.   
  
"Hello, dear Harry!" the sausage sang.  
  
"Great, singing sausage, just what I need. Probably another psycho stalker trying to get attention."  
  
"No Harry, it's Elizabeth!"   
  
"What? Elizabeth got turned into a piece of sausage? How terrible! How could he do this to you!?"  
  
"No, this is a piece of sausage. I enchanted it to talk to you. Or sing, because singing sausages just sounds better,"  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"The Riddle House. Do you know where that is?"  
  
"No, and neither does the author, so that's a problem,"  
  
"Yeah, that could make things difficult. Hey, lazy author, go look through the books and try to find where the Riddle House is!" the sausage shouted.  
  
"Since when do I take orders from you?" the narrator demanded. "Anyway, Hermione knows where it is, even if we don't, so we're find there,"  
  
"Ok. Listen, Elizabeth, we have a plan to get you out. We should be able to get there by tomorrow, just hold on,"  
  
"Um," the sausage bit its lip, a difficult feat when you don't have a mouth.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Could you wait just another day? I've almost finished the Death Eater costumes, and I really want to see what they turn out as,"  
  
"WHAT?"   
  
"Be quiet!" the sausage ordered. People around them were beginning to stare.  
  
"I knew he was loony. I suspected it ever since the thing with the Chamber of Secrets," a random Gryffindor muttered.  
  
"I'm designing for Voldy, ok, bye, now eat me!" Elizabeth whispered, and suddenly Harry could tell she was no longer in the sausage.  
  
"Whatever," he took a huge bite of the sausage, but couldn't help feeling like he was eating his girlfriend.  
  
"Now, if you could just turn around slowly," Elizabeth instructed. Voldemort did as she told, modeling the new Death Eater costume for her. "I think it's just about perfect," she smiled. Voldemort was wearing baggy black leather pants. They were almost bellbottoms. His shirt was of tight leather and said "Death Eater" in silver sequins.   
  
"But there's one thing missing," she amended. From behind her back she produced a black beanie inscribed with "Voldemort" in white embroidery. "There. And each one will get a personalized hat," Voldy accepted the hat and placed it over his wispy hair (A/N-I'm just going to say that he already got a body even though this is the beginning of fourth year. I don't feel like dealing with a wisp of smoke). He turned to face the mirror and grinned.  
  
"It's perfect Elizabeth," Crouch snorted in the corner.  
  
"You're not going to get me to wear that. And I don't think it'll go over too well with most of the boys either,"  
  
"Well, if "the boys" don't like it, that's their problem, now isn't it? Because I DO!" The doorbell interrupted Voldy's tirade. "Who on earth is that? Nobody comes here!"  
  
"Ah, I ordered out for pizza," Elizabeth supplied. "To celebrate,"  
  
"Oh, ok. It's on me," the evil lord left the room and made his way to the front door. He opened it to find a pizza man with manly stubble, and for some strange reason, a very long sword hanging from his belt.  
  
"One large cheese pizza," the pizza man snorted. Voldemort gave him "the look" which made him crack up even more. Who knew Voldemort could look so funny in black leather. "That'll be nine dollars,"(A/N-I know diddlysquat about British money, so it's in US because I said so)  
  
"NINE?! YE GODS you people overcharge,"  
  
"Listen, if you don't keep up with inflation, that's not my problem, so pay the bill, or don't get the pizza,"  
  
"Ok, ok," Voldemort handed over a ten-dollar bill. "Keep the change," he said as he accepted the pizza.   
  
"Thanks," the pizza man mad a hasty exit to keep from getting Crucio'd to the moon and back for laughing at Voldemort. Down the street, he met up with Jack, Harry, Hermione and Ron.  
  
"Good job Aragorn, he bought it. Although I'm still wondering how someone stupid enough to believe the pizza guy carried a sword became the most feared Dark Lord in centuries," Jack mused. "Well, anyway, phase one of the plan is completed. Now we have to wait until the beginning of phase two. Let's just hope everyone in there likes pizza,"  
  
Sorry about it being so short, but I have the block, and I wanted to get something up before I went on vacation. It might be a while before I update again, as I'll be gone for a week. But, you all know the best way to motivate me to write more. REVIEW! And thanks to Suuki-Aldrea for the pizza idea. What could be happening? Why did Aragorn overcharge so much? Why does Voldemort like cheese pizza? How did Voldemort become so stupid? These questions (maybe) and many others that you don't care about (definitely) answered in the next chapter. 


	22. Aragorn's New Love

YAY! Thanks to Elenrod, who is the first reviewer again! Tra la! Uh, about the talking food-I like food that talks, it makes life much more interesting. And as you are about to find out, it's a common spell learned in first year charms. Also thankee to Siriussweetie. Anyway, on with the show!

Voldemort took the pizza into the living room where Elizabeth, Peter and Crouch were waiting.

"Pizzas up!" everyone gathered around and grabbed at the pizza, except for Elizabeth who held back, looking slightly disgusted.

"What's the matter Elizabeth?" Voldy asked around his mouth full of pizza.

"I don't feel so good, I think I'm going to lie down for a little bit," Elizabeth made a hasty exit towards her room. Crouch grimaced. It had actually been HIS room until she had come alone. Now he had to share with Wormtail. The freak didn't even use deodorant. It was disgusting! Sometimes it seemed like Voldy really was losing his mind. Crouch took a dainty bit of pizza, edging away from Voldy and Wormy, who were stuffing their faces, pizza sauce running down Wormtail's chin, and cheese hanging from Voldy's teeth. Soon, the pizza was gone, and the three went their separate ways, Voldy watching TV, Wormtail playing GameBoy, and Crouch receding to the quiet of his room to read "Are You On the Breaking Point? A fair look at whether you need counseling, and how to find the proper help"

"How long has it been?" Aragorn asked.

"Well let's see, it's been thirty seconds since the last time you asked, so that would make it TWO MINUTES since they got the pizza," Jack glared at Aragorn.

"Sorry, I'm just so bored,"

"Here, have this," Jack handed Aragorn a GameBoy with Pokemon stuck in it. Aragorn wasn't heard from for the rest of the operation.

"Ok, it's been forty-five minutes since they got the pizza. The spell takes affect about a half hour after they eat the pizza, and stays in affect for two hours. We should be good. Just get in, get Elizabeth and get out. Understood?" there was general murmers of assent. "ARAGORN! Snap out of it!" Aragorn looked up from his game. "Did you hear what I said?" Aragorn nodded. "Ok, let's go." Aragorn, Jack, Harry, and Hermione slid out from behind the bush and ran towards the Riddle House. Ron stayed behind, just in case someone came (yeah, right like that's gonna happen).

The four entered the house without a hitch.

"Split up," Jack ordered. "Aragorn and Hermione, search down here, Harry and I will take upstairs," they spread out. Hermione looking distastefully at Voldemort slung over the couch snoring and drooling slightly.

"Hermione, remind me again what the spell did?" Aragorn asked without looking up from his Game Boy.

"It put them to sleep. Go check in the den, I'll look in the bedroom," Hermione tiptoed into Wormtail and Crouch's bedroom, then checked the kitchen, and dining room. She was beginning to wonder what had happened to Aragorn, so she looked in the den too. Wormtail was sleeping peacefully on the couch, a Game Boy clutched in one hand. Aragorn was standing over him, staring down at the man, a look of complete content on his face.

"Aragorn!" she hissed. "Aragorn! What are you doing?!"

"He's so beautiful," Aragorn replied in a strange voice. "I think I'm in love. Will was just an Arwen replacement, but I really think I'm in love,"

"Aragorn! We have to hurry up and get out of here. We would try to capture them and bring them back to Hogwarts, but it's kinda far and they might wake up. Besides, it would look weird to have them on the Subway. The point is, we have to leave, you can't love him, and STOP LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT!" Hermione's voice was rising. "It's disturbing," Aragorn just smiled, and in the background "The Longest Time" started playing.

"Who's playing that music?"

"Sorry," the Narrator apologized, and the CD player turned on. "Aragorn, be a dear and push the play button," the Ranger moved in a daze, and "The Longest Time" came on again. Aragorn sighed, and sat down, intent on not moving.

"Aragorn, what if he wakes up?" Hermione hissed.

"Well then I'd finally get to meet him,"

"Fine, stay here and die," Hermione sauntered back into the kitchen. Jack, Harry and Elizabeth were standing there.

"Where's Aragorn?" Jack asked.

"In love,"

"What?"

"Don't ask."

"Are we ready to go then?" Harry started edging towards the door.

"HEY! A karaoke machine! Cool!" Jack ran over to the karaoke machine, and pressed a few buttons. "Always a Woman" started playing. The ex-pirate turned to Hermione and started singing his heart out.

"She can kill with a smile  
She can wound with her eyes  
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies  
And she only reveals what she wants you to see  
Yeah, she hides like a child  
But she's always a woman to me  
  
She can lead you to love  
She can take you or leave you  
She can ask for the truth  
But she'll never believe you  
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free  
Yeah, she steals like a thief  
But she's always a woman to me  
  
CHORUS  
Oh-she takes care of herself  
She can wait if she wants  
She's ahead of her time  
Oh-and she never gives out  
And she never gives in  
She just changes her mind  
  
And she'll promise you more  
Than the Garden of Eden  
Then she'll carelessly cut you  
And laugh while you're bleedin'  
But she'll bring out the best  
And the worst you can be  
Blame it all on yourself  
Cause she's always a woman to me  
  
CHORUS  
  
She is frequently kind  
And she's suddenly cruel  
She can do as she pleases  
She's nobody's fool  
But she can't be convicted  
She's earned her degree  
And the most she will do  
Is throw shadows at you  
But she's always a woman to me"

"Thank you Jack, that was very sweet, but I don't think this was quite the proper time. We need to go now," Elizabeth smiled. Jack looked slightly put out, but he led the way through out of the living room, down the hall and past the bedroom.

"I thought it was beautiful," Hermione reassured him as they passed the door.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Crouch came flying out of the room, his wand out and sparks flying. The effect was slightly ruined by the fact that he was yawning, and rubbing his eye with one hand.

"WHAT?!" Jack yelped. "Didn't you eat any of the pizza?"

"Only one piece. I'm not a pig like those freaks. I only wish I had vomited it before I went to bed,"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww that's disgusting. Are you anorexic?" Elizabeth asked.

"Ah, erm, actually ah yes,"

"Are you sure you don't need some treatment for that? Because I know a really good clinic right near here. One of my friends had an eating disorder, and I went with her the first time,"

"NO! I need to kill you all! You came, just like Voldemort said you would, and now our plan will succeed!"

"Actually, no it won't. Petrificus Totalus," Hermione said matter of factly, her wand pointing straight at Crouch. He fell, paralyzed in a heap on the floor.

"It's all really tragic, innit?" Elizabeth commented as they passed by the unconscious form.

So, what's going to happen next? Will Aragorn spend the rest of his life fawning over Wormtail? Or will the rest of his life only last until Voldemort wakes up and needs someone to take out his temper on? How will I keep this story interesting? Should I end it soon? What is going to happen? Suggestions are most definitely welcome!


	23. Aragorn The Death Eater?

Thank you so much to all my reviewers. Really truly, you guys rock! Thanks especially to Deborah(). Your review seriously made my day. I was thinking of discontinuing the fic, cause I couldn't think of anywhere to send the plot, but I got two reviews today, so I've decided to continue. Thanks for the support! Also thanks to Lucy for suggesting my story to all of her readers! U ROCK! And in case you hadn't noticed, I changed my username to Nenfea. Any plot suggestions are most definitely welcome, I'm a little stuck for ideas. Anyway, on with the show!

Wormtail slowly opened his eyes, wondering why his head hurt so much. His blurry vision couldn't show him much, but he thought he saw a man. A very _handsome _man to be specific.

"Uhhhhhhhh," Wormy rubbed his head and pulled his unwilling body into a sitting position, squinting up at the man. "Who are you?"

The man knelt down, and Wormtail could finally see his face. He was in fact amazingly handsome. Dear Wormtail's heart started beating just a tad faster. "My name is Aragorn," the man leaned forward, and they kissed passionately.

"Eeeeeeeeewwwww, get a room you sickos!" the narrator broke up their moment.

"Well technically this could be called a room, so get out, Peeping Charlie and leave us in peace!" Aragorn retorted.

"I just thought you might like to know that your dear friend Moldy Voldy is on his way, and if he caught you two kissing he might have thrown up all over both of you," the Narrator's voice reeked of affronted dignity.

The passionate young lovers (ok, ok I'll stop) pulled apart and sat at opposite sides of the room, looking uncomfortable. After about thirty seconds Voldy threw open the door, seething and looking strangely hung-over. Huh, who'd have known that sleeping spells gave you the same symptoms as drinking? What a tragedy, I'm really sure that the innocent children who created the potion had no idea.

"What happened Wormtail? Where is that dratted little girl, and," he paused for a moment, "who is that disgusting man?"

"I have no idea where Elizabeth is, and this man is Aragorn. And he's not disgusting," Wormtail added loyally. Voldemort gave him an odd look, but ignored the strange comment. It hurt too much to think.

"I know where Elizabeth is," Aragorn interrupted.

"Where is she?" Voldemort demanded.

"I'll only tell you if you let me stay with you. And don't kill me or Crucio me into next century,"

"I don't think you're in the position to be making conditions," Voldy sneered.

"Do you want to know where she is or not? And what does it matter if you let me stay here? I'll swell the ranks. You need more people around here. Especially someone like a maid," Aragorn glanced at the couch, which was covered in crumbs and had a suspicious red stain on the arm.

"Fine, you can stay here, but I'm not making any promises about Crucio. You become a Death Eater, you have to do what I say or pay the price,"

"Well, I'm not exactly talking about becoming a Death Eater per say. More a support person. I would work behind the scenes. Backup. You know, I keep the moral level up, I do the dishes, I make sure everything is running smoothly," the Ranger grinned, using all the skills he had learned from living with Arwen to make it seem like he was actually, sincerely going to do something.

"Well, I guess if you put it that way you don't have to get the tattoo. But you still better not slack, or you'll be making a visit to Crucio city. And Wormy here can tell you all about that,"

The sun was slowly rising on Hogwarts, the grounds awash with pale morning sunlight. All was still and quiet. Except for the small group of shadows darting between the trees, trying to make it back to the castle without being seen.

"Tell me again why we don't use the invisibility cloak?" Ron groaned as he tripped over an outstretched root.

"Because there are five of us Ron. We could barely fit under that thing when there were three of us. Now use your advanced math skills to figure this out Ron. How many people wouldn't be under the invisibility cloak?"

"Sod off," Ron retorted. "Know it all Mione,"

"Excuse me, did you just say what I thought you did?" Hermione demanded.

"Yeah, I said it. Go on, take a crack at me!"

"Ok people, hold the violence at least till we get inside, some of us would like to get through this little escapade and still be able to go to school," Harry slid between the glaring duo, and slowly they edged away, their glares fading.

Ok dudes, sorry that's all for now. I can't think of any other plot ideas. I'll do my best to get another chapter up before just about any of you review or even read this. But plot suggestions are welcome, and reviews result in me writing. Maybe. As often as I can force myself to.


	24. Why Did Ron Have to Drink that Coffee?

Alrighty then, thanks to Elenrod and Alohi Luana for being my two reviewers. As of now, you are both my reviewers of the week! Please help me with plot ideas, I don't know what should happen. And it's my b-day party on Friday! Happy doo-dah! I'm really hyped in case you couldn't tell. Anyway, on with the show!

Well, thanks to all their wonderful sneaking, and the fact that Ron finally shut up and stopped complaining, our heroes managed to make it back into the castle without getting caught.

"See y'all tomorrow," Elizabeth whispered, and slunk off towards the Ravenclaw dorm with Jack. We're going to forget about them now because their trip was boring and uneventful. Instead, we're going to watch Ron, Hermione and Harry as they huddle under the invisibility cloak and try not to step on each other's feet.

"Hold on a second," Harry muttered. "Lumos," he raised his wand slightly, and pulled a rumpled piece of parchment out of his pocket. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," lines spread across the page, and soon they were looking at the Marauder's Map.

"We better watch out, Snape is coming our way," Hermione breathed. Harry put out his wand, and they set off again.

"Harry, wait. I have to go to the bathroom!" Ron squeaked after about three seconds.

"Again? This is the third time tonight,"

"Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have had all that coffee,"

"Well the bathroom's around the corner, we'll stop there, and you can go,"

"Ok," they edged past the corner, and Ron darted out from under the cloak and into the Men's room. Harry and Hermione waited awkwardly, trying to be as silent, but every few seconds Hermione would giggle for no reason.

"And you shouldn't have had that Sprite either," Harry muttered, but cut himself off very quickly for at that moment Snape came around the corner, strutting through the corridor as if he owned it. He was also searching every inch of the hallway for any possible sign of students out of bed. And by some wonderful coincidence Ron just happened to walk out of the bathroom at that moment.

"Thanks-," he cut himself off as he caught sight of Snape.

"Mr. Weasley. Out of bed after hours? And who were you talking to?"

"Uh, um, er, no one," Ron blushed, his ears turning bright red.

"No one?" Snape sniggered.

"Uh yeah, it-it's kind of an embarrassing habit," he turned even redder, if that was possible.

"I see. And is there a reason for this late-night excursion of yours?" Snape's eyebrow rose in a graceful curve.

"Um, well, I was actually, ah I was, uh," Ron struggled to find an answer.

"Yes?"

"I was-,"

"I'm waiting Mr. Weasley,"

"I was going to see Arwen," Ron replied, his words all spilling out in a single rush.

"You were what?"

"I was in the Hufflepuff dormitory, visiting with Ms. Evenstar," Ron pulled himself together slightly, but he was still blushing.

"I see. Well, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take appropriate actions to see that this does not happen again. I'm very sorry, but I'm going to have to give you detention," Snape did not look in the least bit sorry, but he continued on in a sugary sympathetic tone. "See me tomorrow after classes and we will discuss when and where. Now back to your dormitory," Ron scampered down the hallway as fast as he could, and Snape watched him go with a very self-satisfied look on his face.

"Good bye Mr. Weasel," he muttered to himself, then continued on down the hallway. The moment he was out of sight Hermione and Harry hurried back to the Gryffindor common room. Thankfully they met no other teachers along the way.

Sorry it was short. I really can't help it. Reviews will get you more chapters up as soon as I can. And PLOT IDEAS are very welcome. So please, please review!


	25. Gladys

Thank you so much to Elenrod, you rock. It's not actually my b-day till the 27th, but ya know, it's the thought that counts. And thanks for the random spouting, that gave me an idea. Also thanks to Beth, welcome to the show. As of now, the pairings are as follows. Harry and Elizabeth, Jack and Hermione, Aragorn and Wormtail, a possible hint of something between Ron and Arwen (didn't he come up with that lie a bit too fast?), Merry and Parvati (I think that's it at least. It might be Lavender) and Pippin and Lavender. Thanks also to Kat. Welcome, welcome, make yourself at home throws a beanbag chair at her and that's for the smelly shoe. Also, might I add that either in this chapter or one that's soon to come, Frodo and Sam come back and announce that they are gay. I just want it stated clearly that I DO NOT hold with people who actually believe this. However, for purposes unknown to anyone (including myself) I have decided that it is necessary as part of the plot. So, just know that I really truly think that Sam and Rosie are one of the sweetest couples in the universe. Anyway, on with the show!

We have decided to take a break from our normal, student based programming to give you an update on whatever happened to Gandalf, or Professor White as he has come to be called. After about the first two weeks of class, everyone had figured out that this was no ordinary wizard (although Hermione was the only one to discover that he is, in fact one of the Maiar). Malfoy, on the other hand, just hated him more and more. Every time Gandalf did something impressive (such as use an illusion to reenact his battle with the Balrog just so that everyone would see how to handle such a situation) Malfoy hated him even more. It had been three months of this growing hatred that caused Malfoy to do what he did. No one is quite sure how he got smart enough to perform this tricky and delicate operation, but he did.

After their little excursion to rescue Elizabeth, the Fellowship had a quiet period of rest and relaxation. Merry and Pippin gathered more detentions, Ron and Arwen seemed to be getting closer and closer, and Harry started Quidditch practice. It was after one such practice that he discovered just how insane Malfoy could be. He was walking in from the pitch, sweaty and dragging his broomstick, when he ran into Gandalf.

"Hello Harry," Gandalf greeted him. Strangely, his voice seemed higher than usual. And his robes pinker than usual. A lot pinker. In fact, very hot pink.

"Hi Gandalf. Uh, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but why are your robes hot pink?"

"Hi Harry, darling. To you like them? I just ordered them from 'Hip and Happening: Accessories for the Witch on the Go'."

"Witch?" Harry stood for a moment, not sure if he had heard correctly.

"Yes. I am a witch after all."

"Gandalf, no-"

"Darling, Gandalf is so last week. I'm Gladys. Ah, I just feel so rejuvenated since that surgery!" and with that Gandalf, or Gladys swept off down the corridor, occasionally stopping to giggle with a student.

"Uh, what was that all about?" Harry asked Ron, who had just come up behind him.

"I heard that Malfoy cast a sex change spell on it. He figured Gandalf would be able to switch himself back afterwards, but apparently "Gladys" likes being female. Dumbledore even tried to convince him to switch back, to keep what's left of his dignity, but he won't. Ginny says she likes him better this way. He's less...Gandalf. He doesn't talk in riddles, he doesn't act all mysterious and all-powerful. Maybe it's better this way,"

"Ok, that's just creepy. I knew Malfoy was evil, but to turn Gandalf into THAT? It's beyond anything I've ever seen before,"

"Sam stop it! I'm not made of glass, I can walk by myself!" Frodo snapped at his ever-watchful bodyguard, who was hovering over him.

"Well I don't want you tiring yourself out Mr. Frodo. I'm just so worried,"

"Did you do this to Rosie every time?"

"Well, after about the sixth time I figured if she could survive so many times before, she would know what to do this time. But I think this is new territory for you. Or at least I hope it is. Is it?" Sam asked anxiously.

"YES, Sam. Harry!" Frodo broke off his conversation to greet Frodo, who had come to stare at the odd couple standing just inside the Entrance Hall.

"Hi Frodo! What are you guys doing back, last I heard you got swamped by insane fans,"

"Well, we decided to take some time for ourselves," Frodo started.

"Frodo's pregnant!" Sam burst out.

Oooh, what's going on? Did I make a terrible typo? NO! Well then how can it be? And just how close are Frodo and Sam? Will Gladys ever come to her senses? And how is the romance going for everyone? These updates (maybe) and more useless ones that you don't care about (probably more likely) in the next chapter. And the sooner you REVIEW, the sooner I write. And smelly shoes doesn't work might I add. Krispy Kremes will probably work better.


	26. Sam and Frodo's not so secret Secret

Wahoo! I just got two reviews today! Thank you everybody! That means Beth, thequeeneb(please start using punctuation on your reviews, that was slightly confuzzling), Elenrod (you get reviewer of the day! Thanks for reviewing almost every chappie!), Dear Alohi Luana (I didn't understand most of that, just so you know. Thizzle to da mizzle? Where did that come from?), Tinania(Precisely! The insanity is what makes it fun!), and last but not least, Kat. If you read but didn't review, death and destruction upon your family for all eternity (I really don't mean that. I just like to use parentheses way too much). Anyway, I'm still trying to come up with a plot, but that's ok. Any suggestions are welcome. Anyway, On with the show!

Harry stared for a moment. "Excuse me Sam, did you just say Frodo was pregnant?"

"Yes," Sam smiled proudly. "I'm going to be a daddy again,"

"Ok, very gross disgusting images Sam, please don't say that kind of thing," Hermione grimaced as she joined them. "And anyway how is this possible? Last I heard Frodo was male. He is isn't he?"

"YES!" Frodo yelled at the top of his lungs. "How bout we go discuss this somewhere a tad more private," he cast a suspicious glance at the crowd of students gathering around them. "I don't think they all need to know,"

"I think it's too late for that," Harry muttered under his breath.

Meanwhile in other part of the castle Jack was meeting Gladys for the first time.

"GANDALF?" He asked incredulously of the powder puff in front of him.

"How many times must I tell you? I'm no longer Gandalf. I'm Gladys. Serafina Carolina Gladys. SC Gladys for short. (A/N-Sorry, that's sort of an inside joke. SC stands for sex change. Don't ask why that's an inside joke. It's a long story). Don't you just LOVE my new shoes?" it held one pink slippered foot out. It had a puff of something pink and possibly even alive attached at the toe.

"Ah, Gladys, is that alive?" Jack's mouth was working like a gaping fish. He couldn't seem to stop it moving.

"Of course it is silly. Haven't you been in DADA for the past week? It's a powder fairy. They're pastel colors, they create a light magical powder that has many uses in beauty products and they love to be shown off on clothing. I have some extras. Do you want one for Hermione?" Gladys beamed at Jack, in a way frighteningly reminiscent of Lockhart.

"Ah, that's ok Professor, I don't think Hermione's really that type of girl,"

"None of this professor stuff now. It's Gladys! Well, if you're sure you don't want one, I have to be on my way. I have to get ready for class,"

"Ok," Jack whispered as he stared after Gladys. The clumps of students going about their business parted for her, pointing and murmuring. She flourished under she attention, smiling her huge, toothy grin and uttering polite little greetings to students.

"I think that spell did more than change her gender," Jack muttered to himself.

Harry, Hermione, Frodo and Sam made their way to the Gryffindor common room, drawing stares from passing students, as Sam kept one hand protectively resting on Frodo's belly, and Frodo kept brushing it off and glancing meaningfully at his dear Sam. His dear Sam didn't seem to get the point so Frodo finally gave up. If it made him feel comfortable to do that, Frodo could live.

"Look, I'm kind of muddy right now, so how about you guys get comfy while I take a quick shower. I'll be really quick," Harry suggested when they reached the common room.

"That's fine with us," Frodo agreed. Harry bolted up the stairs, two hobbits sat on the couch in front of the fire and Hermione took a chair next to them.

"So how did you get here anyway?" she asked.

"Well, we had made some money selling autographs, and Sam was in some movie. Even if they did keep calling him Sean Astin. Weirdos. So we had enough money that when we found out I was pregnant we could come back here. We figured Dumbledore would let us stay, at least until we find some way of supporting ourselves," Frodo smiled.

"When are you due?"

"Sometime in June,"

"That's nice,"

"Yeah. Oh, here comes Harry,"

"So, Frodo, Sam, explain please. What have you been up to in the last couple of months? Where have you been? And most importantly, HOW IS IT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE-"

"Please don't say that so loud," Frodo interrupted. "I'd rather everyone not know. Let's start at the beginning. When we left Sam and I were swamped by insane fangirls. Luckily the police saved us about a week later. We decided not to come back for a while. We thought it would be good to see the world. Anyway, we spent some time in New York, where Sam got the movie job. That took most of the time, but Sam wasn't a very big part in it. Anyway, how it's physically possible. We're not quite sure but we think it may have something to do with this weird spell some fangirl witch cast on me when I wouldn't sleep with her,"

"WHAT?"

"Well, I got lots of offers, as did Sam, and we declined all of them. So one witch cursed me. She said I must be gay if I didn't sleep with her. Then she said some weird spell, I'm not quite sure what she did. But that's the best explanation we can come up with,"

"Ok, s'good enough for me," Harry shrugged. Hermione rolled her eyes, and the faint sound of "idiot" could be heard from under her breath.

"Now that's not very nice Hermione," the narrator chided.

"Not you again. Freak,"

"That's not very nice either. But I just popped in to congratulate Sam and Frodo. I'm very excited for you, and I think it's rude that nobody else has said congratulations yet. They've just been too wrapped up in how different it is. I know how it feels to be discriminated against because I'm different. I'm mean, how many people get excited when something good happens to a random bodiless voice. I'm so unwanted..."

We'll leave the dear narrator to bemoan her poor pathetic life by herself. After all, she's just a random bodiless voice. Who cares about her?

So whaddya think? Plot suggestions are ALWAYS welcome. And pretty please review. I luv reviewers. If nobody reviews, I don't write. It's very sad. So please review if you want to keep reading this story. Or even review if you hate it, just to let me know people have read it. I don't care what you think, just so long as you smile! JK, but that was a Miss Congeniality moment there. And it's my b-day on Monday, so be happy!


	27. The End

Ok, everybody say thank you to thequeeneb, elenrod and alohi luana, my only three reviewers. Elendrod and alohi luana, you are the greatest reviewers ever, I would never have gotten this far if it weren't for you. For the rest of you nasty people who didn't review, this chapter is not dedicated to you at all! If you're out there reading and you haven't reviewed, then doom on you! Anyway, on with the show!

Where did we leave off? Oh, I remember! The narrator was bemoaning her poor, pathetic life. Why do we care? We don't. So, we shall go somewhere else. Meaning, I have no plot ideas and can't thing of anything to write. Thus, I am discontinuing this fic for the time being. If I get inspiration, updates shall happen, if not, well you better hope I get some ideas for a new fic, cause this one is not cutting it. Anyway, thank you all for reading, hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, I loved writing it, but I'm completely out of ideas. I don't know what should happen, who should go where, and how to solve everything I've messed up. If you have any ideas about this you can drop a review, and I might start writing again. So, c ya later!


	28. So It's Not The End

Ok, thanks to my two lovely reviewers. Yes, that's right TWO whole reviewers. Elenrod and Lucy, you both rock, and since you were so nice, I'm going to attempt to write some more. I did try this on the last chapter and nothing happened, but we'll try again.

Things developed into a strange kind of routine at Hogwarts. Frodo and Sam started classes again, although as Frodo started to get more pregnant the rest of the student body started to stare more and more. It got out about what had happened, and the Slytherins would let Sam and Frodo have no peace. Everyone helped when it came to defending Frodo and Sam. Hermione was almost swamped by homework, Jack and her friends. She got a B on one of her papers in potions, and she cried for the rest of the day. Everyone knew things were going downhill for the Dream Team and the Fellowship. We open our scene in a quiet corridor on the fifth floor. Hermione and Jack make their way along the hallway, hurrying to DADA. They chatter as they power walk. But, out of the shadows suddenly appears...

"Mudblood! Where do you think you're going? To defend those freak gay friends of yours?" (A/N-I have nothing against homosexuality, but for some reason I think Malfoy would).

"Actually I was walking to class. Where were you going? To terrorize some poor innocent first year?" Hermione snapped.

Malfoy looked taken aback. "How did you know that was what I was going to do?" he gasped.

Hermione snorted. "I was actually joking, but whatever. You do realize that you're a creep?"

"And you do realize that you're a filthy little mudblood?"

Jack stepped forward. "Ok, I don't know what that means, but apparently it's bad. So, either you back off, or I help you back off,"

"Oooh, look at the little first year trying to be tough," Malfoy simpered, pulling his wand out. "You better run, freak pirate,"

"Actually I got moved to third year. By the third month I was here. Now, Hermione also just happens to be at the top of her year, and if we're talking no magic fighting, I'd like to see any of you people use a saber," Jack grinned his infuriatingly self-assured smile.

"If you think we're going to use sabers that's where you're wrong," Crabbe and Goyle stepped out of the shadows, dwarfing Jack and Hermione.

"Well, that is an interesting development isn't it?" Jack asked, playing for more time. Suddenly, from down the corridor came the sound of many people chattering happily. Harry, Ron, Ginny, Fred, George and Lee Jordan all appeared in a happy clump from around the corner. Fred was the first to see Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle.

"What do we have here Gred?" he asked insolently.

"Looks like a couple of Slytherin snakes to me," George replied. With a strange kind of strangled battle cry that sounded vaguely like "Toilet seats for all" Fred and George launched themselves at Malfoy. Halfway through their heroic charge the rest of the Gryffindors joined them. Crabbe and Goyle lumbered forward, taking out Fred and George with matched upper cuts. The song "Trouble" by Pink started playing in the background. Hermione snatched her wand out of her pocket, and attempted to lay a curse on Crabbe, but Millicent Bullstrode, who had appeared behind her, gave her a full nelson, and Hermione was temporarily occupied attempting to get the "great git" off of herself, while retrieving her wand, which had been knocked out of her hand (wow that was a lovely run on sentence). All around them chaos ensued, Gryffindors trying to get a spell edgewise around the headlocks and punches. Suddenly, a voice cut through the shrieks and yells of the students.

"Excuse me. I would like all of you to follow me to my office," everyone froze, recognizing the oily slick voice. Hermione looked up around Millicent's ham of an arm. Standing over her and sneering down at her was Professor Snape.

Ooh, what will happen now? If anyone cares, please review. I really need reviews, not feeling so great right now, and a glowing review would make me feel dandyful. So what are you waiting for, review!


	29. Thanksgiving Edition or Alice's Restaura...

Alright, everybody out there who happens to be reading this, say thank you to Alexiamanda. She made me feel DANDYFUL (I love that word) by reviewing THREE TIMES in one day. U ROCK! Also thanks to Elenrod, my most consistent reviewer and Beth. I'm sorry Beth, I don't do food fights. I really think they're a tad cheesy. So, this chapter is for all of my reviewers ever, but most specifically Alexiamanda. Only problem is, I'm still coming up with something to write. Ok, I started writing this a long time ago, but it's Thanksgiving today, so this is now the Thanksgiving edition. So, anyway, on with the show!

Well, as you may or may not remember we left our dear heroes with Hermione staring up at Professor Snape around Millicent Bullstrode's arm.

"Uh, hello Professor Snape. It's nice to see you," she managed to gasp. It was getting a little bit hard to breathe, as she had been in a headlock for almost a full five minutes now, and Millicent was not the weakest of girls.

"Yes Granger, I'm happy to see you too, now would you please follow me to my office," Snape replied, his voice dripping with hatred.

"Uh, yeah, about that. Could you please get Millicent to let go of me? I'm finding it a little bit difficult to walk at the moment," Hermione panted as politely as possible. Millicent blushed, and quickly pulled away from Hermione. The rest of the Slytherins backed away as well, and the others put away their wands.

"Please Professor, I know I'm now in the best of positions to be making requests, but could I go tell Professor White that I'm not going to be in class so that it will be marked as an excused absence?"

Snape stared icily down at her. "You arrogant little girl. I have no time to waste on your precious "excused absence". I need to be preparing for a class right now, but instead I have to deal with your horrendous attack upon the students of my house.

"Excuse me professor," Harry interrupted.

"Not you too,"

"No, I don't mean to interrupt, but listen," Snape paused as a strange noise came from all around them.

"It sounds like the beginning of a song," Jack muttered. Suddenly, a voice started over the music.

"Because it is Thanksgiving today," it was Dumbledore, "we will listen to the traditional Thanksgiving song, Alice's Restaurant. Enjoy." And the song started.

"This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the  
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,  
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's  
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant  
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant  
Walk right in it's around the back  
Just a half a mile from the railroad track  
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on  
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the  
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the  
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and  
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of  
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,  
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't  
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be  
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So  
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW  
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed  
on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the  
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump  
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off  
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the  
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the  
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile  
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we  
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving  
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the  
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,  
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of  
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And  
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope  
under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we  
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down  
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the  
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the  
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the  
police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at  
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for  
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and  
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out  
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,  
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station  
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was  
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I  
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.  
Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the  
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of  
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop  
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the  
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,  
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to  
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of  
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.  
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and  
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles  
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each  
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,  
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to  
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put  
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your  
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my  
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you  
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I  
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"  
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the  
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took  
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the  
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie  
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice  
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few  
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back  
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,  
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten  
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back  
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,  
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy  
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he  
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the  
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows  
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.  
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles  
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,  
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American  
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the  
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy  
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each  
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And  
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not  
what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,  
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,  
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one  
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so  
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. Cause I wanted to  
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted  
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,  
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all  
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave  
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I  
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and  
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,  
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and  
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down  
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,  
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,  
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me  
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four  
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty  
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was  
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no  
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the  
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,  
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got  
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,  
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all  
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever  
go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten  
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on  
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want  
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's  
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after  
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly  
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father  
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And  
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the  
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest  
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly  
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me  
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay  
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"  
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench  
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I  
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,  
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,  
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the  
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of  
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it  
up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-  
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-  
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-  
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for  
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had  
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,  
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it  
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the  
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the  
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on  
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the  
following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to  
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm  
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench  
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,  
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and  
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints  
off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a  
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm  
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar  
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a  
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into  
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get  
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if  
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and  
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,  
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.  
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in  
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an  
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said  
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and  
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and  
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the  
guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and  
sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant  
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant  
Walk right in it's around the back  
Just a half a mile from the railroad track  
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.  
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it  
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part  
harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant  
Excepting Alice  
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant  
Walk right in it's around the back  
Just a half a mile from the railroad track  
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum  
At Alice's Restaurant"

The entire group stood for a moment, looking stunned.

"Well that was random," commented Ron, who had finally been released from Crabbe.

Sry there was no plot development there, but I just wanted to put that song in and I had already started the chapter, so there it is. Happy Thanksgiving!


	30. Ooh, Busted

Ok, because I was FLOODED with reviews (completely JK, I got about three I think) I am updating. Lessee, so many people to talk to. TheQueenEb-Welcome back! Sry I made you think I stopped, but I made myself think that too, so at least you weren't alone. Alohiluana-yes it was pointless, but that's because it was supposed to be. Read the song. It does have to do with Thanksgiving (in a roundabout, strange kind of way) and it's extremely funny and it's a story to itself. It even got made into a movie. Rent the movie, I've never seen it, but it looks funny. Elenrod-thanks for letting me know your reading. Hopefully this chapter I'll get back to the story. And Happy Thanksgiving. Yes I did know Hogwarts was in Europe. It just didn't come to my attention at the time. Thank you for pointing that out. I probably won't fix it because I am all for the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement, and I happen to like that song. So, back to the story and on with the show!

"Where were we?" Snape asked in his oiliest voice. "Oh yes, I remember. I have no time to let you go and get an excused absence, which not that I think about it, you don't deserve because you were skipping classes to fight!" Hermione was in tears.

"Look, I know you're the teacher," Jack commented from his place dueling with Malfoy. "But I really don't think you should make false accusations. How do you know that we even started it? Actually Malfoy here was the one who started it by calling Hermione a mudblood. Are you really going to ignore that kind of behavior from your own students while punishing other students for standing up for themselves?"

"As I recall, you were never called a mudblood. Thus, you would have no reason to stand up for yourself."

"I did get called a freak pirate," Jack offered.

"Shut up. All of you stand up, and Bullstrode, let go of that pathetic creature." He gestured at Hermione, who glared. Everyone untangled themselves from each other and stood looking shamed. "Now follow me," Snape snapped. The students fell into two clumps, the Slytherins and everyone else. They followed Snape through the hallways and to a familiar stretch of wall that Harry had been hoping he wouldn't have to see.

"Orange Slices" Snape told the gargoyles, who jumped out of the way as the door opened. "Follow me," he ordered icily. The students fell into a sullenly silent line that stood on the moving staircase, looking as though they were on their way to their own executions. Finally they reached the top of the stairs and Snape knocked on the door.

"Professor Dumbledore," he called. A few of the students gasped and looked up. They hadn't realized just whose office they were going to. Mostly these students were the Slytherins, who hadn't noticed that they weren't in the dungeons and they were going to Snape's office.

"Come in," Dumbledore's voice rang through the door. Snape opened the door and everyone filed in. In total there were thirteen students facing charges. Five Slytherins-Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Millicent Bullstrode and a very large sixth year, seven Gryffindors-Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George and Lee Jordan and Jack, the lone Ravenclaw stood in silence as Dumbledore eyed them.

"Now," he said calmly, "I want the whole story from each of you. Malfoy, I would like to hear your side of it first,"

"Well Professor, my fellow Slytherins and I-that is Crabbe and Goyle, were walking down the hallway when we ran into Granger and Sparrow. They started insulting us, and then their friends the Weasleys, Potter, and Jordan came around the corner and started attacking us. We only fought back, and Millicent and Bart only tried to save us,"

"Thank you Malfoy. Now you, Ms. Granger."

"Well, Jack and I were walking down the hallway and we turned a corner and Malfoy was there blocking the way. He called me a-a mudblood and he called Sam and Frodo gay freaks. I asked him if he was going to torment some first years and he asked how I had known. I had actually been joking, but who knows. Malfoy took out his wand and called Jack a freak pirate. Crabbe and Goyle turned up, and started threatening us too. Then Harry, Ron, Ginny, Fred, George and Lee turned up and tried to protect us. Millicent showed up and started attacking me, and that's all I remember until Snape came and stopped it. I asked him if I could go tell Professor White where I was so that I would get an excused absence, but he wouldn't let me,"

"Well. I have heard two perspectives, and I feel that is all I need for now. I will speak to the rest of you later, but I am taking fifty points each from Slytherin, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw and all of you will serve detention."

"Excuse me professor," Jack cut in, "but may I be so bold as to defend the lady?"

"Go right ahead, but I don't think anything will change my mind,"

"Well, Hermione never actually tried to fight anyone. All she did was stand there and get insulted, then pull out her wand to defend herself when Malfoy was attacking people. Then, Millicent Bullstrode put her in a headlock. So Hermione never actually did anything sir, she was merely attack brutally, both physically and vocally,"

"Well, thank you Mr. Sparrow. I will consider lessening her punishment, and I think I will tell Professor White to give her an excused absence, as these circumstances were obviously not of her own design," Dumbledore nodded, a small smile playing on his lips and a twinkle in his eye. "You may go back to class now, I will speak with the rest of you later,"

Dum dum dum. What point did that entire scene just have? Why do we care if they got detention, they always do? Find out next time, or just tell me why (as I have no idea as of yet) but either way, REVIEW! Please.


	31. Chimps!

Ok, I don't have too many people to thank. Lessee, who do I have to thank. Oh yes, my greatest reviewer of ALL TIME (for today at least) Alohi Luana, who was the only person who reviewed my last chappie, and also thanks to Chibi Atto San. She gave me the highest praise I have ever gotten! She said she wanted to stalk me. Although that kind of scares me, I guess I think it's cool. Also thanks to Jen, Orlando Bloom does suck. I'm extremely sorry for not updating for so long, but I've been a tad busy. There's probably going to be a lot of Barenaked Ladies songs in the next few chaps because I'm obsessed lately. This chapter is dedicated to Kevin Hearn for being the coolest Lady of them all, and for surviving leukemia to go on and make more beautiful and amazing music that I LOVE! Thank you Kev. So, I'll see if I can remember what's been happening, and try to get more plot development. On with the show!

Our scene opens some time after the incident described in the previous chapter. It is now mid December. Tensions between Slytherins and Gryffindors have been growing since "the incident" as we will call it. Snow is falling quietly, and "Christmastime Oh Yeah" is playing in the background. Frodo and Sam sit together in a small courtyard, I believe it's the one where Sirius flies away on Buckbeak in the third movie. They don't speak, but there is a stress in the air that makes it seem they have come here for an important discussion. Frodo breaks the silence.

"Sam, I don't know if I'm ready for this," he murmured, as though hesitant to disturb the strange tranquility lying between them.

"I know. It's a huge step. I realize that you've gotten a lot of heat over this from those damn Slytherins, but you have done amazing, and I'm so proud of you. But if we're going to be together we have to know that together we can get through anything, and we can't let a bunch of butts get us down,"

"You've been hanging around Fred and George too much,"

"I know. But that's ok. We'll be ok. Just breath Frodo." Sam paused as Frodo started panting. "I didn't mean like that Frodo, I mean relax."

"I-I can't stop Sam. Help!"

"Ohmygod! You're not…"

"I think I might be,"

"Just breath Frodo, just breath,"

"Did you hear about Frodo?" Hermione asked worriedly.

"I heard something about him going into labor, but I don't know what happened." Jack replied anxiously.

"Well _I _know what happened," came a snotty voice from nowhere.

"Thanks, but if we want your opinion we'll ask for it."

"Just because I'm a disembodied narrator doesn't mean you have to hate on me"

"Jack, stop it. Actually I would like to know your opinion. What happened to Frodo?"

"He had a miscarriage. Well, sort of. He went into premature labor and the baby died. It's really quite surprising that he survived. It's only because Sam knows so much about having babies that he was OK. I mean, after thirteen kids you'd expect him to be intelligent about it."

"Oh my god. We should probably go see him," Hermione and Jack ran to the hospital wing, leaving a disembodied voice and "I'll be That Girl" playing in the background.

"Stupid Barenaked Ladies. They've got a song for everything. Bet they've even got a song for stalkers," the narrator complained.

As it just so happens, BNL does have a song for stalkers. And it would fit perfectly right here. Because as it just so also happens, Frodo happened to get an entire load of fanmail at just that moment. The postpeople had been unable to find him up until then, but they had been searching very hard as they had rather a lot of mail for him. Specifically mail with chimpanzees on it. Uh oh. That's the cue for Frodo to start looking really cute and singing a really cheesy song. Stupid big blue eyes. (Hehe, do you wear wigs?) Here goes.

"You can't imagine so many monkeys in the daily mail  
All of them coming anonymously so they leave no trail  
I never thought I'd have an admirer from overseas  
But someone is sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.  
Some chimps in swimsuits, some chimps are swinging from a vine  
Some chimps in jackboots, some chimps that wish they could be mine.  
Starsky and Hutch chimps, a chimp who's sitting on the can  
A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
If I had to guess, I'd say the monkey-sender thinks it's great  
He's sending me, maybe she's sending me just to see me get irate  
I'm losing sleep - and it's gonna be keeping me up all night  
I thought it was funny, but now I've got money on a monkey fight.  
Some chimps in hard hats, chimps a-working on a chain gang  
Some chimps who love cats, burning rubber in a Mustang  
A birthday-wishing chimp, a chimp in black like a goth  
A goin' fishin' chimp, a British chimp in the bath.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
Somehow they followed me even though I packed and moved my home  
No matter what, they come and they come they won't leave me alone  
Another monkey in the mail could make me lose my mind  
But look at me shuffling through the stack until I finally find  
Some chimps in swimsuits  
Some chimps in Jackboots  
Some chimps in hard hats  
Some chimps who love cats  
I've got some shaved chimps; that's chimps devoid of any hair  
I've got depraved chimps dressed up in women's underwear.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
Every one is every one is every one is addressed to me.  
Every one is every one is every one is addressed to me.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees  
And every one is addressed to me.  
Another postcard with chimpanzees   
And every one is addressed to me."

Well that was lovely wasn't it? Hermione and Jack arrived just in time to see Frodo finishing off this beautiful rendition, promptly decided that he had been "faking it" and left. How they think he could have been faking giving birth is beyond me, I thought they were smarter than that. I think they've been hanging out with Arwen too much.

As the month of December passed, students had gotten used to SC Gladys. As many of them had only known Gandalf for a few months the transition to Gladys was merely like the changing to a new teacher. However for the Fellowship it was a little more difficult. As weeks passed Gandalf began to revert back to his original personality in small ways. He even started talking in riddles again, and everyone knew that was a step in the right direction if anything was. The students hadn't been entirely pleased with it however, as it made Gladys's classes far harder than they had been. Aragorn had managed to have a discussion with him that didn't involve clothes, boys or hair. It had always been just a tad disturbing to see Gladys giggling with one of the girls and then pointing at you. Having a teacher have a crush on you was not something one wanted. But now, for the sake of Frodo, Sam resolved to do something. His precious master had just suffered one shock too many, and if there was one thing that could bring him back from the brink of destruction it was the return of good old, mysterious, all-knowing Gandalf. We open our next scene on an empty classroom, where Gladys is preening behind her desk. A large mirror that can be folded and stowed for "easy travel use" is sitting on top of the desk, and Gladys is just putting the finishing touches on her lunch break make-up touch up.

"Excuse me professor." Sam began.

"Please Sam, we've known each other for so long, we really don't need this professor stuff. I'm Gladys."

"That's what I need to talk to you about. You're NOT Gladys. You're Gandalf. Now please, I know you can reverse this spell. You heard what happened to Frodo, he needs you. You can do him far more good as yourself than as a Barbie look-alike. So for Frodo's sake, if not for the rest of us, please just reverse the spell."

"Well as touching as that is Sam, _I _need me to be like this. I can't stand being Gandalf anymore. Having to come up with all those stupid riddles and look intelligent and knowing all the time. Do you have any idea how difficult that is?"

"You do realize that you've started to talk in riddles anyway?"

"I HAVE? HOLY CRAPOLY I HAVE! Wow, maybe I am better suited to being Gandalf. Well, I'll give it a go, but I can't promise anything." Gladys gave his knowing smile, snapped his fingers and suddenly was Gandalf again.

"That's it?" Sam asked.

"Yup."

"Cool."

Alright, that's all I've got in me for now, but my computer has malfunctioned and I can't get on the internet right now, so I'm sorry if this takes even longer to get updated than it would have. Thank you all for reading, listen to Canadian bands, don't do drugs and always stay away from mail involving chimpanzees. You know what to do-REVIEW! Oh yeah, and buy the Barenaked for the Holidays live tour CD from December 13. It rocks.


	32. The New Kids

Ok, I'm currently in a Buffy obsessed mode, so if Spike shows up for no reason, don't blame it one me, it's the teenage girl hormones kicking in. Plus I just starting listening to the soundtrack that I got for my birthday for real, and now I'm obsessed with the song "Pavlov's Bell" by Aimee Mann, so if that shows up in here, don't be surprised. Thanks to all my luvverly reviewers, I believe there were three of you. Of course Lucy, you rock, and Elenrod, I'm pretty sure you reviewed (I can't check right now, my mom's on the phone so I can't check my e-mail for who reviewed). I don't remember the last person, mucho sorry, but I'll try to mention you next chappie. So, this one is dedicated to Aimee Mann, merely for doing the song "Pavlov's Bell" and to The Arrogant Worms for being massively funny (they'll probably show up in here too) and to The Barenaked Ladies just for being themselves. Everybody needs to go read their blogs right now. They're uber cool. So anyway, thanks to all the luvverly songwriters who inspired this, and on with the show!

"HE'S WHAT?" Frodo leaped about a foot in the air at the news that Sam had brought him.

"Frodo, please, you need to take care of yourself right now. Yes, Gandalf is back. I thought it would be good for you."

"GOOD FOR ME? HAVING THAT OLD COOT BACK! I was beginning to like him more as Gladys. Less homework, less riddles, everything was just better. Seriously, that was NOT COOL!"

"I'm sorry Frodo, I really thought this would help you. Having a constant in your life is something that's really important-"

"Well at least I know I'll have ONE constant. You'll always be REALLY stupid, and REALLY bad at judging how people really feel! Now please leave. I can't believe you did this! Now he's going to come in here and hound me about something, and then there will be some other stupid quest involving me almost dying and you being your stupid self and coming with and almost killing yourself. How do you think that makes ME feel huh! I have to go through a lot of pain seeing you suffer, and it DOESN'T HELP! So please, just go take care of yourself, and find a NEW boyfriend. THANK YOU!"

"I didn't think you felt that way," Sam sniffled and streaked out of the room.

"Sam's going with who?" Hermione sat with Jack, Ron, Harry and Elizabeth around the fire in the Gryffindor common room. Arwen had just run in, and gasped out the surprising news while panting, as she had run about three floors to find someone who would listen to the gossip. Sometimes a girl's just gotta tell someone.

"Buffy Summers."

"There's always been something a little bit weird about her hasn't there?" asked Hermione.

"A LITTLE weird?" Harry burst out. "She's only a slayer!"

"What's she doing at Hogwarts?" Jack wondered. He had watched the show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" religiously ever since he had found out about it.

"Yeah, we really don't need more characters here," the Narrator complained. "It's already hard enough to figure out who's doing what and who we haven't told about for a long time."

"Shut up."

"Ok, I must have been thinking about a different Buffy, cause the one I'm thinking of is only in second year, and she's in Hufflepuff." Hermione put in.

"Yeah, that's Buffy Sommers. Weird last name if you ask me." Ron corrected.

"Huh. Sam is really weird. I never thought he would switch BACK to being straight. Who knew?"

"Sam, you realize that you can't call in a favor like this any time?" Buffy raised an eyebrow at her friend.

"I know Buff, it's a lot to ask, but I really need it."

"Well, I do too. See, I kinda dumped Spike. I don't know why, he's the greatest guy I've ever known, and now I wish we could get back together, but I don't think he would want to after I left him for Angel. So now I'm trying to get him jealous."

"Ah. Pretty much the same thing as me, but Frodo dumped me instead. All because I was trying to help."

"Doesn't it just suck to love?"

"Yeah."

"Ya know what I think would help?" Buffy asked, smiling a bit.

"No."

"SHOPPING!"

"And that would be the cue for more cheesy BNL music involving random subjects."

"Who was that?"

"Never mind, it was just the narrator."

"Oh. Well, getting on with my song…  
Well you know that it's going to be alright  
I think it's gonna be alright  
Everything will always be alright  
When we go shopping

Well you know that it's going to be alright  
When we go shopping  
It's always lalalalala...  
Shopping spree begin  
It's always lalalalala...  
Everybody wins

So shutup  
And never stop  
Let's shop  
Until we drop

CHORUS

It's always lalalalala...  
Shopping never end  
It's always lalalalala...  
Shopping with our friends  
Shopping once again

It's always lalalalala... (x4)

It's never enough  
Until you've got all the stuff  
When the going gets rough  
Just shop with somebody tough

CHORUS (x2)

It's always...  
When we go shopping!"

"That was lovely Buffy."

"Why thank you Sam. Now let's go shopping."

Buffy and Sam exited the scene, headed towards Hogsmeade, where they spent the day happily roaming shops and spending far too much money.

In a dark passage in the depths of Hogwarts a shadow detaches itself from the wall and moves swiftly forward. It makes no sound, but glides quickly forward, catlike. Suddenly, from the other side of the passage a candle is seen. Neville Longbottom makes his way down the corridor, but as he gets closer to the shadow he slips, and the candle falls out of his hand, extinguishing on the floor. Neville mutters a few spells under his breath, attempting to relight the candle, but only succeeds in causing a small explosion. He continues on in the dark after cursing in the manner of a Hufflepuff (aka "Bother, drat, etc.). However as he moves forward he hits something solid that grunts and says "Bloody stupid kids!" in a very sexy accent.

"Who're you?"

"Uh…I'm…um…The Last Person You'll Ever Meet! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Huh?"

"I'm Spike. However I'm also the last person you'll ever meet, because I can't let you live and tell Buffy that I'm here stalking her, and also I'm hungry and I don't happen to have any chickens or anything to eat at the moment. I've been starving myself for a really long time, so I'm sorry but you'll have to pay the price." There is a scream in the dark, and a thump as a body falls to the ground.

"Wow you really were hungry."

"Don't get shirty with me you stupid narrator, or you'll be next!"

"You can't kill me, I'm just a disembodied voice!"

"Well, I was already dead and they managed to kill me on Buffy, so I'm sure I'll be able to come up with something to do to you!"

"I'll just be quiet then."

The next day Neville was found in a passageway in the dungeons, with two puncture marks on his neck and as pale as anyone had ever seen a human being. Buffy Summers, who was the latest student at Hogwarts, studying so as to be better equipped against any magic she may come up against (apparently Willow wasn't doing a good enough job), knew exactly what it was the moment she saw it, and went straight to Dumbledore, who put the entire school on notice that there was a vampire loose, and probably not a friendly one, judging from Neville's condition. As the students sat in the Great Hall discussing the events of the past days, the doors were thrown open.

"Not again." Muttered Harry as he saw who it was. Moldy Voldy was back again, and this time he wasn't happy. He had tried magic, he had tried hostages, and now he was running out of ideas. So he had decided to take a leaf out of the book of muggles everywhere. When running out of ideas and angry, use violence. Voldemort was surrounded by a ring of Death Eaters, each looking like someone out of The Matrix.

"OPEN FIRE!" he shrieked. Students who had never seen guns before stood in confusion, but those muggle-born or taking muggle studies threw themselves under the nearest available table and screamed at their friends to do the same. Soon however, those who didn't know what to do found out what they should have done. Strangely it was mostly Harry's friends who were being aimed at. Fred, George, Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli, Legolas, Will and Colin Creevey fell under the rain from Voldemort's soldiers.

But over it all came a roared order from Dumbledore. "FREEZE!" The old man was standing at the head of the table with his arms upraised over the entire hall, and everyone fell silent. Bullets stopped in their tracks and clattered to the floor. "Voldemort, take these horrible weapons of muggle destruction away from this place or I shall be forced to take action against you. Now LEAVE!" the order had such force behind it that the Death Eaters broke like confused ants and swarmed out of Hogwarts. "Teachers, please find injured students and help them as best you can. Prefects, take your houses back to the dormitories, it will be safer there. Move."

"Prayer of Saint Francis" began playing in the background as a melancholy air took over the hall. Students shuffled back to their dorms, casting frightened looks over their shoulders at friends unable to get up and walk. Young children skirted pools of blood, and more than one student was seen relieving their stomachs of what dinner they had had. Through it all a new girl walked in. She was carrying a backpack, and she had short blondish-gold hair that had lighter highlights in it. Her eyes were a murky grey-green and she looked scared and confused.

"Dumbledore!" she called over the quiet murmur. The headmaster looked up and his eyes grew wide.

Linnea! I completely forgot that you were coming today! There's been a terrible accident, drove you straight out of my mind. I'm afraid I don't have time to introduce you right now," he paused and looked down at the boy he was tending to, who was whimpering as Dumbledore tried to stop the blood from running out of his arm. "But I'll find you someone who can help you." He looked around desperately. "Hermione!"

"Yes professor?"

"This is Linnea Tait. She's a transfer from an American school. I don't really have time to explain right now, but she's supposed to be in Gryffindor, and she's your year, so if you could just show her around and help her get settled that would be great. She can tell you about herself. All of her stuff will be in the dorms. Thank you!"

"Come with me Linnea." Hermione motioned Linnea to follow her. They made their was upstairs in the quiet hush.

The scene closes with "The Gulf War Song" by Moxy Fruvous playing quietly in the background.

Well that was a tad depressing. Next chapter gets dedicated to whoever can guess who Linnea is based after (I'm going to guess only Lucy will get this one). Sorry it got so sad at the end, but I needed a way to get rid of all my extra characters that were just clogging up space. This way I can just focus on the people I like and the newbies. And really sorry for bringing Buffy into it, but I couldn't help it. So, you guys know what to do! Just press that little button. One review can create an entire chapter, so if you want this thing to continue then just leave your thoughts and suggestions. Thankee!


	33. A Third Slayer

Well, thank you once again, to my luvverly reviewers. Mucho thanks to the one, the only, Pink-Zelda! Aka, Lucy or alohiluana. Jees you've got a lot of names. Well, anyway, this one's for you, just because you check my fanfiction way too often and so you were the only one who reviewed it within a day of it being updated. Also thankee to Elendrod, my other dear friendly consistent reviewer. I was actually feeling like an author when I wrote that passage. Isn't it luvverly? Linnea is based after…sorry can't tell you. This is also going out to James Marsters, for dying his hair for…well actually I don't know how long he dyed his hair but that's ok, and for speaking in an uber cool fake accent. You've inspired a whole new generation of fangirls to terrorize their friends and anyone else who happens to start them on the subject of Spike. _I_, of course, am NOT included in the number of those fangirls. Really. Stop looking at me like that, I'm not kidding! Fine then, be that way. Oh yeah! Andrew from Buffy might show up in this chapter because Lucy requested that he show up, and any requests from my readers will probably be fulfilled because they haven't given me any suggestions yet, and I'm too lazy to think up my own plots. At least I think it'll be this chapter, but I'm going to be focusing more on Linnea and telling you why Buffy and everyone are there. I think I'm actually changing my mind on why she showed up from the last chap, but that's ok. Anyway, on with the show.

"So, why are you transferring from America? That must be a really big change, especially in the middle of the year," Hermione looked sideways at Linnea.

"Uh, it's kind of a long story, but let's just say things weren't working out. There aren't very many wizarding schools in the US, so I had to come here to get what I needed."

"And how did Dumbledore know you were supposed to be in Gryffindor without the Sorting Hat?"

"We do have Houses in other schools too. I was in the equivalent of Gryffindor in my old school." Harry and Ron fell into step with them as Linnea finished her sentence.

"Who're you?" Ron asked with his usual tact and subtlety.

"This is Linnea, Linnea, this is Ron and Harry." Hermione introduced them. Ron just looked even more confused than he had been. "She's a transfer Ron." Hermione explained in the voice she would use with a two year old. Ron didn't seem to notice, as he just smiled and nodded.

"Don't _I_ get introduced?"

"That would be the Narrator," Harry sighed. "Yes, we have a narrator that speaks to us. Mostly to complain, actually. Just ignore her. Not important."

"Ok." Linnea's voice came out quietly. "Um, would anybody mind telling me what happened back there?"

"Oh, that. Well, I assume you've heard of Voldemort?" Harry inquired. The girl walking a few feet away from him turned pale and fainted. "Oh do grow up!" Harry muttered at her. Linnea nodded mutely. "Well, I'm his…I guess you could say nemesis. I'm Harry Potten…Potter. So dear Moldy Voldy was just having one of his usual insane attempts on either my or Dumbledore's life. Problem is instead of using magic, which we could have countered, he used muggle weapons. I think he actually might have killed someone, which is surprising."

"Oh. Ok." The Dream Team escorted Linnea along the corridor, chatting and trying to get her to come out of her shell a little bit. More of their friends joined them as they went, and she seemed to grow smaller and smaller. As they kept walking, a dark figure made its way along behind them, watching the girl with a sad smile on its face.

The next morning Linnea woke slowly, feeling slightly awkward in the new bed. As she opened her eyes and sunlight hit them squarely she groaned and pulled the covers over her head.

"Come on Linnea," came a voice from above, "Professor Dumbledore needs to see you, I got an owl from him this morning."

"Fine," was the groggy reply. Linnea pulled the covers off and reopened her eyes, but far slower this time. Hermione went on getting dressed and ready for the day as Linnea pulled herself out of bed and over to her chest of drawers. Since she didn't have a uniform yet, she dressed in her own clothes. She chose black cargo pants, very baggy and obviously well loved and well worn, a boy's t-shirt that was pale blue and said "Only an idiot would…eat paste…get hit by a parked car…read this shirt". She pulled her short hair into two tiny pigtails.

"Can you show me where Dumbledore's office is Hermione?"

"Sure." Hermione led Linnea through the hallways and to the gargoyle in front of the entrance to Dumbledore's office. "Malted milk balls." She said in complete seriousness. Linnea shot her a strange look. Hermione led the way up the stairs and knocked on Dumbledore's door.

"I have to go to breakfast or I'll miss class," she informed Linnea, "but I'll see you when you finish here." She turned briskly, her bushy hair flipping behind her, and trotted down the stairs.

"Come in," Dumbledore's voice rumbled from the other side of the door. Linnea sighed and pushed open the door.

Linnea stepped out of Dumbledore's office feeling as if she had been interrogated using the latest by way of torture devices ad then smiled at and given hot chocolate and an ice pack by the person who had done it, then informed that it had only been done to see if it would hurt, where and why. Dumbledore had questioned her ruthlessly about her last school-why did she act out? What had happened to her grades? Why did she suddenly stop talking to all of her friends? Didn't he know that the Spanish Inquisition was over a long time ago? She obviously couldn't tell him the truth, which was that she was the Slayer. Yes like from the TV show. After Buffy had died the second time, strangely enough, the world seemed to need another Slayer, and Linnea was it. Dumbledore had reminded her how painful it had been to cut her friends off, but they couldn't know. Then he had also brought up Henry, her Watcher, and that had merely helped her remember how much it had hurt to leave him too. He was her best friend besides being her Watcher.

Dumbledore had forced her to relive every second of the excruciating ache. Had made her dredge up every lie she had ever told, then made her feel as if he could see right through them. But somehow, by the end of it all, she had still trusted him completely. He had said all the right things, and although he never said anything about vamps or demons, he seemed to understand anyway. He had also made it clear that if she ever "needed" to talk again, to just come to him.

"Hello," a heavily accented voice jerked her from her reveries. Linnea looked up, surprised to find that her thoughts had taken her away from Dumbledore's office and almost all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. She also found a self-assured looking man with bleached blond hair, brown eyes and a well-chiseled face, wearing all black and standing directly in front of her. She stood for a moment, memories not quite clicking, but something telling her that she recognized him.

"You look like Spike from Buffy!" she blurted out when she finally realized why he looked so familiar. He started, a confused look dominating his countenance.

"I look like who from what?" he finally managed to say.

"Spike. You know, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You sound like him too. Oh, don't tell me you've never heard of Buffy," Linnea groaned exasperatedly.

"Of course I've heard of Buffy. I've tried to kill her a couple of times. Hell, I've even saved her life a few times,"

"Wait. You really _are _Spike? You've not just some obsessed weirdo just trying to pull my leg?"

"Um, I have no idea what I'd be obsessed with, and I'm not joking. Why would I kid about something like that? Obviously I'm famous, although I'm not sure why," he grinned slightly.

Linnea felt a strange surge of relief wash over her, which was a strange reaction since she had just found out she was talking to a vampire. She hadn't been the Slayer for long, but it had always seemed slightly unreal, as though it were all some kind of fantasy she had made up from watching too much Buffy. Now, meeting someone like Spike, but somewhere she had never been before, somewhere where she knew she couldn't just be making things up, things seemed to cement themselves into her brain as reality.

"Oh good, I'm not crazy," she breathed.

"Well, you may not be, but in a few seconds you may think you are," Spike cocked his eyebrows, but the motion turned into the all too familiar morphing of the face. He shook his head slightly as though to clear it and looked at her through his vampire face.

"Oh no. You got the chip taken out?" Linnea demanded, annoyed.

"Yeah. How'd you know?" Spike asked surprised.

"Well, you wouldn't have bothered to go all vampy if you weren't going to bite me, and thus kill me, which you couldn't do it you had the chip in. See how that works? It's called logic!" Linnea smiled that classic "I'm the uber cool Slayer who's going to beat you up soon, but wants to make fun of you first" grin and Spike's confused frown deepened.

"Or he might just always look constipated, it's hard to tell with vamp faces." The Narrator put in.

"Who asked you!" Spike and Linnea commanded.

"I'm just going to stop talking now,"

"Yeah, you better. Where were we?" Spike stopped glaring at nothing and turned back to Linnea. "Oh yeah, why aren't you screaming and running?" Spike inquired. "It makes it more fun, although at this point in time, it might be kind of noticeable, so maybe it's a good thing you're not."

"Well what _I _think is really fun is kicking the asses of people like you," Linnea advanced slowly.

"Ooh, harsh language. You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" the Narrator prodded.

"I always liked you on TV," Linnea, whispered, ignoring the Narrator. "Too bad you're so much ruder in real life," and she punched him in the nose.

"You did not just do that!" Spike's voice finished much higher than it was supposed to be as he held his nose, back in normal face.

"Oh, is Spike's voice still changing? Poor Spike, that must be hard on you,"

"Do you have any idea who and what you are dealing with?"

"Yes, but I don't think you do," Linnea continued to advance and began to punctuate her words with punches. "See…I'm…the…Slayer!"

**"WHAT?" **Spike caught her final punch, more out of surprise than reflex and froze. "How does that work? There's already two Slayers, Faith and Buffy, how many more do we need?"

"Well, I don't know you very well yet, and this isn't really my favorite topic, so I don't really feel like spilling my life story to you. Can we get on with this?" Linnea proceeded to begin kicking Spike's butt, with the occasional helpful comment from the Narrator.

"Look, I don't mind getting beat up by a Slayer, it happens to me all the time, but could we please get the peanut gallery to shut up?" Spike muttered as Linnea shoved his face against the wall.

The song "Pressure" by Billy Joel starts playing, and Spike growls.

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist" the Narrator giggled.

"Well it's actually kind of nice, getting away from everyone and having some time on my own," came a familiar voice from down the hall. Spike twitched, and the music came to a screeching halt.

"Buffy," he breathed. The peppy blond came into view form around the corner, chatting amiably with Sam. She froze as she saw the scene before her.

"I'm sorry, I hop we're not inter…Spike?" she asked incredulously, stepping forward. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I was just hanging around, not doing much of anything, until I met this lovely young lady. Buffy, this is…well actually I don't know your name yet, as we didn't really get properly introduced," Linnea slowly let Spike down from the wall and pulled her t-shirt straight.

"I'm Linnea," she offered her hand to Buffy. "Linnea Rhode."

"Buffy Summers," the young woman took the proffered hand with a smile.

"Yeah, I actually kinda, already knew that. Did you know there's a TV show about you?" Linnea grabbed Spike's arm as he tried to sidle off down the hall without taking her eyes off Buffy.

"Uh, yes I did. Um, not that I mind entirely much, but what were you doing beating up my ex-boyfriend?"

"It's kind of a hobby. Not beating up ex-boyfriends per say, more beating up…" she trailed off, throwing an uncertain glance at Sam. Somehow Buffy seemed to get the message.

"Sam, honey, can you just go on ahead for a second, I'd like to sort this out,"

"Sure," Sam edged past Spike and down the hall, an uneasy silence reigning until he was out of sight.

"It's more a hobby of beating up vampires." Linnea finished. "And slaying them, as often as possible."

"Wait, wait. You're telling me that you slay vamps?"

"Well, that does seem the logical thing for me to do as I am the Slayer. Well, one of the Slayers,"

"_One_ of them?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure we're up to three now."

"And how does that work?"

"That's what I was trying to find out!"

"Shut up Spike, I'll deal with you later."

"Well, when you died the first time, Kendra became Slayer, then when _she _died it was Faith,"

"Yeah, tell us something we don't know sweetie," Spike glowered.

Linnea cast a withering glance at Spike and continued. "When you died the second time, apparently it still counted because I became a Slayer." Spike and Buffy stood for a moment, processing.

"How did I not know about this?"

"I dunno. Watcher's Council doesn't really keep in touch with Giles, do they?"

"I'm just going to let that pass. We have to talk about this, but we don't really have the time right now as I have to get to class and you probably do too. What house are you in?"

"Gryffindor."

"Good, I'm there too. We can talk tonight." Buffy turned on Spike, all thoughts of Linnea gone. "And what on earth are YOU doing here?"

"Nothing. Looking for a bit of lunch until Slayerette here decided to give me a nose job." Linnea made a face at the "Slayerette" comment.

"You were following me," Buffy stated flatly.

"No!" Spike replied, outrage written on every inch of his face. "Ok maybe. Well yes, maybe that was part of the reason I came, but that's not the _only _thing I came for."

"And pray tell, what else did you come for?"

"To have a look around. I need some time to think about stuff, see the world, and if you happen to be in the near vicinity, then that's all the better."

"Get out."

"You have no right to order me around!"

"Right, as interesting as this conversation is, I think I'm just going to step out now. I'll talk to you later Buffy," Linnea smiled and hurried away down the hall.

"Fine, but don't follow me around, and don't come crawling back to me,"

"I won't. In fact, I came here to meet new people. And look at what interesting new people I've already met!"

"You KILLED someone!"

"Well, I need to eat."

"There's a butcher's shop in Hogsmeade,"

"There is?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Thanks for the tip. Nice seeing you!" Spike turned around and followed Linnea.

"If you hurt anyone else, do not for one moment think that I won't kill you just because we went out!" Buffy yelled after him. He just raised a hand and waved as he turned the corner.

"Ooh, hash breakup huh?" the Narrator asked sympathetically. "If you need somebody to talk to, you know I'm always here,"

"Where?"

"Well, anywhere actually. Never really though about it before. I'm just always willing to listen, ok?"

"Ok. That's a good thing, because I think I might need it."

Ok, sorry Andrew didn't make it in this time around. But I'm going to try my hardest to get him in! Hey, and aren't you proud of me? I think this is my longest chapter yet, and it didn't involve ANY song lyrics! It was actual plot development. So, you know what to do. That lovely button down there. You can just hit it, and then tell me what you think! Or just tell me that you're reading, you don't even need to give me any feedback. Just so long as I know you're there, it makes me feel better. Anyway, hopefully this will get funny again soon, and slightly less angsty; I've been watching Buffy too much. And I will get back to my old characters soon, There's going to be a lovely scene soon involving kittens, poker, Fred, George, Spike, Merry and Pippin. Ta for now!


	34. Conversations With Not So Dead People

Thankee to Lucy, who reviewed the DAY that I updated. You absolutely ROCK! You may most definitely have a chappie, just not this one, since obviously I've already written it. And sorry about the no Andrew thing. YET! He will come. Don't worry, I've got him planned in, and I think I can get him into the this chapter. Are you sure he has blue eyes? Because I have some pictures of him with blue eyes and some with brown. I'm not sure. Also thank you to Elenrod. I'm really sorry you don't watch Buffy. It's my new obsession, so I just kind of stuck it in without thinking that some people might not watch it. I'm going to be focusing more on the newbies for now, but I'll try and get the old people in as much as I possibly can for you. Um, since you don't know the people I'll give you the basics-Buffy is the Slayer. She kills vampires, demons, evil stuff. There is one in each generation. She has died twice. The first time she died a girl named Kendra became Slayer. Second time she died, nobody became Slayer. Faith became Slayer after Kendra died. Ok, you really didn't need to know all that, but it explains Linnea a tad bit more. She's an OC. Anyway, a Watcher is the person who teaches a Slayer. Spike is a vampire. He was evil, he got a chip stuck in his brain so that he couldn't hurt people, and he kinda went good and fell in love with Buffy. Andrew is some random dude who tried to take over Sunnydale (the town they live in) and ended up killing his best friend. He repented and went good, or something along those lines. I'm not sure. I think that's everyone. So, this one goes out to my lovely reviewers and to DaVinci's notebook for being really funny. Anyway, on with the show!

"Yeah, it was interesting. I met Buffy." Linnea commented as she and Hermione made their way from Transfiguration to Herbology.

"Buffy? Isn't she that new girl who's a whole lot older than any of us?" Hermione asked, dodging a group of first years.

"Ah yeah. She's not actually a witch, I don't think, but she knows about us and needs to learn more. I think she has a really weird job or something."

"Oh. Well we'll get to know her better soon. Most of the classes she's sitting in on are ours. I guess she already knows most of the basics."

"Really. This could be interesting."

Spike stood before the strange old man, feeling acutely uncomfortable. Filch hunched next to him.

"I found him in one of the second floor corridors. Asked him what he was doing and he didn't answer. Wouldn't say anything to me, but he did come quietly when I brought him up here," The caretaker explained.

_Couldn't very well eat him with two Slayers hovering over me_, he thought to himself.

"Well thank you Filch," the headmaster dismissed him with a nod. When Filch had closed the door the man turned to Spike.

"It's Spike isn't it?" he asked.

"How does everyone in this bloody school know my bloody name?" Spike demanded, unnerved.

"Well Buffy warned my that you might show up. I just didn't expect you so soon. I'm Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster. Now, I don't mind you staying here, I've got so many random people running around now that one more wouldn't make much of a difference. I only have two rules for you. 1-You **_may not_** hurt any of my students. If you do, you will be kicked out of here before you can say 'bloody' again. 2-You may not stalk Buffy. You can try and get her to date you again, go ahead, but anything beyond ordinary courtship is not permissible. Clear?"

"Most definitely. I wouldn't be trying anything with two Slayers around anyway," Spike muttered.

"Two? I knew Linnea was special, but are you sure she's a Slayer? It would explain a lot of things, but when did Faith die?"

"She-wait how do you know so much about Slayers?" Spike challenged.

"I like to keep up to date on what's going on in various parts of the magical world. I could tell you all about Nita and Kit for example."

"What?"

"Nevermind. Anyway, I spoke with Buffy about Slayers and so on before you came. Are you _sure _Linnea's a Slayer?"

"I have firsthand experience of it," Spike replied, rubbing one of his many bruises. "She said it happened when Buffy died the second time. No one expected there to be another Slayer, so no one looked for her,"

"I see. I'll have to look into that. The Watcher's Council is going to get it if they knew about this. Anyway, what are you going to do while staying here?"

"Any interesting jobs open?"

"I'm afraid not."

"I guess I could take classes. I don't know too much about magic."

"Ah. I'll need to get something, but I'll be back in a moment and then we can figure out which house and year you would be most suited to,"

Dumbledore disappeared into the back of his office and returned a few seconds later holding a tattered old hat.

"A hat? Do you really think I need the uniform? It's a little odd, especially for someone my age,"

"It's the Sorting Hat."

"Yes you imbissil, how on earth could you not know it was the Sorting Hat? I mean, everyone knows about the _Sorting Hat_!" the Narrator had showed up again.

"SHUT UP! Bloody stupid narrators. Poking their noses into other people's business."

"I don't have a nose."

"Go away."

"Both of you be quiet. Spike, put the hat on, we'll discuss the uniform later," Spike looked suspiciously at Dumbledore, but snatched the hat out of his hand and stuffed it on his head. A tiny voice blossomed in his ear.

What do we have here?" it asked.

"BLOODY HELL!" Spike screamed, throwing the hat halfway across the room.

"Oh, I'm sorry if that startled you. The Sorting Hat will be placing you in the correct house. It may seem as though it is speaking to you. Nothing to worry about, it's merely looking to see where you're best suited," Dumbledore flicked his hand and the hat flew back to him. He brushed it off and handed it to Spike, who took it again, far more cautiously this time, and placed it gingerly on his head.

"Very violent. Rather a Slytherin quality. Although that's not exactly your fault, more part of your nature isn't it?" the voice seemed to grin at him. Spike growled slightly. "Sorry. But very brave and extremely loyal. Unnaturally so at times. Although someone seems to have shaken your loyalty to a certain Slayer," Spike grunted slightly in confusion; he seemed temporarily incapable of speech. "However you are a creature of the darkness. Cunning, tricky. Perhaps Slytherin?" _Which house was Buffy in? _Spike wondered. _Let me be in her house, please, whatever you are! _"In Buffy's hosue? Well, if you're really that loyal then **Gryffindor!"** the hat spoke the final word aloud in a confident voice. For a moment Spike felt as though someone was digging through his brain, then the voice spoke again.

**"Fourth year,"** Spike removed the hat.

"You'll fit right in. You're going to be in a class with both the Slayers. You can start classes tomorrow. I'm sure we'll be able to find something slightly less Matrix, but not the uniform for you,"

"Thank you," Spike smiled and turned to leave, but his face contorted to a grimace the moment his back was turned.

Buffy cast a knowing look around the busy common room.

"We can't talk now, someone will definitely overhear us. We'll have to wait till everyone goes to bed. And I'd rather we talk down here, it just seems so much like the library back at Sunnydale. But I would like to talk to you about something else right now. Something more personal. Do you want to come to my room?"

"You get your own room?"

"The privileges of age. Come on," Buffy led Linnea up the stairs and past all the dorms to the very top floor. There was a single door which opened into a small room containing a kitchenette, a living area with a couch and a bed in an area partitioned off from the rest of the room by a bead curtain. An open door revealed a tastefully decorated bathroom off the living area.

Buffy motioned Linnea to sit on the couch and took a spot next to her.

"So what's up?"

"Well, there's a couple of things, but most importantly I need you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, especially about Slayer stuff, I'm here. I actually wouldn't mind having someone to talk to, and I'm a trained counselor. I could be like your mini-Watcher. I've picked up so much from Giles I could probably pull it off anyway."

"Well thank God for that, I've got my own personal shrink," Linnea grinned, but suddenly the smile faded.

"What?"

"Nothing. I-it's just that one of my friends used to talk about shrinks all the time. She hated them. We had a counselor at my old school named Mr. Flanders. Everyone thought that was really funny. And, well, I'd rather you be less of a Watcher. I really don't think anyone could replace Henry. He was my best friend after I found out. I mean, I didn't really have any friends after I started being a Slayer. It's really hard to come up with excuses, and I can't exactly tell them that I'm going vampire hunting."

"I know how you feel. I mean, I know I've got friends now who know about it, but I lived in LA when I first found out and I burned down my school gym. I had to move to an entirely different town. It's really harsh being Slayer sometimes, but if you weigh it against what you're doing, you know why you can't stop,"

"You sound so counselor-ish. So what else did you want?"

"Actually I uh, I wanted to talk to you about Spike,"

"Spike? What on earth about Spike?"

"Well I don't mean to sound mean, I did dump him after all, but I suggest you stay away from him,"

"Huh?"

"I saw the way you acted around him. Don't worry, I won't tell. But at the risk of sounding like your mother, Spike is not a good person. I know Spike, rather more than I would like to. He doesn't fall for just anyone, but he also doesn't mind exploiting people. Remember he has no soul."

"Well he didn't seem to mind helping you stop a couple of apocalypses."

"That was when the chip was in. He did get it out though. He managed to get his hands on a whole lot of money, and amazingly he didn't spend it on cigarettes and blood, he used it to get the chip surgically removed. Anyway, what I'm saying is this-if you try for Spike, you will most likely get your heart broken. First, he's far too old for you. Second, even if he wasn't, he is NOT a good person, and even if you had a chance with him I would say that you deserve better than him. Third, I don't want to sound like a snob, but I don't think he's going to fall for you. He gets really attached to one person at a time, and he currently has a rather scary, stalkerish obsession with me. Fourth, don't trust him. He may pretend to like you, just because he'd like to say he dated a Slayer. You can never tell with Spike,"

Linnea swallowed visibly and nodded. "Was I really that obvious? I mean, _I _wasn't even sure I liked him."

"NO! Oh no, Linnea, I just happen to know what to look for since it's happened to me. Just be careful. I like you. Spike isn't one to move on too easily,"

"I thought I'd never get over Buffy, but she was amazing! Like a mini Buffy, except smarter and prettier and SO much cooler. I think she might just be a lot more agreeable too. I doubt she'll beat me up as much as Buffy does. I don't know what it is, I've never felt like this before. Even with Buffy it was just an obsession. It wasn't like a I really needed her, I just wanted her so much because I couldn't have her. And I couldn't get my mind off her. This, it's scary!" Spike took a pull at the bottle in his hand and looked across the table at Jack. The two were sharing a room as Dumbledore only had so many extras.

"Sounds bat mate. But I know how you feel. The exact same thing happened to me with Hermione."

Really?"

"Yeah. What you just described is exactly what I feel. Couldn't have put it better myself." Jack raised his own bottle and took a swig.

"Oh good. I was starting to think I was crazy. Does it go away?"

"Well, I've been like this for a few months, and it hasn't done anything, except maybe get worse. And I'm not one who likes to settle with one person mind you."

"It's just, I thought I had the real deal so many times before, but then I find out that there's something even more, and I've barely even been able to sort out what I was feeling before. I-I just need to know. Is it real?"

"It's real mate. It's the most real feeling you're ever going to get…"

Andrew stood at the front of the Hogwarts grounds, staring up at the gates in terror.

"They want me to go in there? And find Spike? And get him to come back? I'd have to be, like Bond or something to do that." He took a deep breath and steeled himself. "Like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars, going bravely into enemy territory," he stepped forward, his eyes closed, waiting for something to happen.

"Boo,"

"AGGGGHHHHHHH!" Andrew shrieked and ran back the way he had come, screaming incoherently.

"Ah, I love it when they're new. Especially when they're wussy. It makes life so much fun." The Narrator chuckled to herself.

Ok, sorry to stop there, I meant to write more, but I have to practice piano, and my fingers are starting to hurt. So, the next chapter will be by Lucy, and I might possibly just edit it if she lets me. So, review and I'll post it really soon. Or at least as soon as I get it.


	35. Lucy's Chapter!

**Hi! I'm Lucy, better known as pinkzelda or buffsta17 if you're on a message board. This is the chapter that Nenfea said I could write, so here it is. And I absolutely adore Andrew Wells, so he'll be in here. And I'm in here. Lots!**

**Chapter 35: Somebody Told Me**

_**Well, somebody told me**_

_**You have a boyfriend**_

_**Who looked like a girlfriend**_

_**I had in February**_

**_-_"Somebody Told Me", The Killers**

Spike was skulking around in the shadows of the Gryffindor common room, trying to avoid a persistent girl who kept trying to get him to do something she called "the eyebrow trick".

"Yeah, so me and my friend Olivia were talking about you and she wants you to do that two-finger thing you did in 'Hush', so could you?"

"What'd you say your name was again?" He asked, successfully distracting her from his watching Linnea, except a few minutes later….

"You know, you're like a hundred and twenty years older than her." Spike did a double-take.

"Wh- What? I'm not…."

"Yes, you are! I've seen your show, you know. At least you're only that much older. Angel was like TWO hundred and twenty."

"How do you know about that bloody poofter?"

"I'm Lucy. I know everything about 'that bloody poofter'." She grinned creepily, and then brightened. "And Andrew. He's just the most cutest, funniest little dweeb!" Spike decided to test her knowledge and sat down.

"What's Buffy's middle name?"

"Anne!" she replied brightly.

"What about… Who was my first ever love interest?"

"Cecily Underwood. And before you ask, you were sired in 1870. In 1899, you killed your first Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, in 1977 you killed the second Slayer, a woman named Nikki in New York City." Lucy smiled, obviously pleased with herself.

"When did I find out that I had that chip in my head?"

"When you went searching for Buffy and you found Willow and tried to bite her. It was right after Oz, her previous lycanthrope boyfriend, left, and she needed you to assure her that she was biteable. You said that last year, she was wearing a fuzzy pink thing and you wanted to bite her then."

"When I was playing I Spy with Andrew, what did he say?"

"Tapestry, tapestry, tapestry, tapestry… Need I go on? Although finally he said it began with a y and you didn't know, and he said Yet another tapestry!"

"Lucy, can I be honest with you?" Spike asked, rubbing his temples.

"Yes!" She was very excited.

"You are one crazy bird."

Andrew was facing the gates again, trying very hard to look like a desperate hero, forced to resort to desperate measures in order to redeem his tortured, tainted soul. He was a…

"Shut up already. You can come in now, you know." Lucy said. She'd been loitering by the huge, imposing gates.

"I was just talking to Spike and he promises he won't eat you unless you two get locked in a room with nothing but a tapestry." Andrew smiled nervously and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Come on, you little freak." She grabbed his arm and yanked him inside the gates and began dragging him up to the castle.

"How do I know you're good?" He asked. "You could be like Anakin Skywalker, seemingly innocent and good, but REALLY you're simply waiting for me to put my guard down, and then you will don an ugly mask and start SMOKING!"

"Yeah, but see, first of all you could ask me any question about Buffy or anybody, and I would know the answer, or- HEY! Anakin didn't smoke! He received that wound from a battle in which he fought valiantly!"

"Okay. I believe you're good! But just so you know, I was once a criminal…"

"Mastermind. I know, I saw 'Storyteller'…" she sang the little song. "We are as… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODS! I know, Jonathan was going to buy you a burro, he's got a shy bladder, Warren was cool…." The were almost there. "Just believe me, okay?"

"Only if… Only if you can tell me who I gave a shout out to and why when Sunnydale collapsed!"

"Your brother Tucker, for giving you the inspiration to summon demons." She said boredly.

"You are truly the all knowing one," he said reverently.

"I've often thought so."

**Now please review! If you like I'll do a spinoff on my pinkzelda account.**


	36. Bloody Poofters and Dealing with Death

Well hello my dear and faithful readers. I would like to thank my dear cohort Pink Zelda for the last chapter. I personally felt it was hilarious, but part of that might be because I know her. Anyway, due to popular demand I'm trying to fit in the old characters more this chappie. However I kind of forgot what was going on since it took a while to update the last time. I'm going to try and stick more songs in because I feel they give the story a mood. That's just me and it may drive you crazy, but I won't put all the lyrics, I'll just say "whatever song" plays. Or that somebody starts singing it. I'm going to renew my disclaimer here: I don't own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Beatles, The Barenaked Ladies, Moxy Fruvous, The Arrogant Worms, any other pop culture references I may make or any of the characters involved. So, I'll try to remember what I was talking about, and get on with it. This one goes out to Meg Cabot for making Mia be obsessed with Buffy too. It makes me feel better about myself. At least I don't have an action figure of Giles with a sombrero. So, on with the show!

"So there's a creepy psycho stalker following Spike around?"

"I always knew there was something wrong with that guy. Anyone who has hair like that is messed up. I mean it's PLASTIC!" Hermione glanced over at Spike, who was staring at Linnea, who was trying to look like she wasn't staring at Spike. It was the end of all the new students' first day, and our lovely heroes from way back when, when this started were sitting in a corner of the common room. They were discussing the events of the day.

"Wow. He's got it bad," Ron commented.

"Huh?"

"Spike. Oh come on! You can't tell? Hermione, you need to get your nose out of a book long enough to see what's going on around you. Spike has a major jones for Linnea. I mean, haven't you noticed how much he's been watching her. And he sat next to her in every class. He's in love, or at least he thinks he is."

"When did you become a psychologist?"

"Um, I just, I uh, I kind of know how he feels. But um, the person that I really liked is really kind of incapable of returning my affection anymore."

"And when did you get an actual vocabulary?"

"Shut up Hermione! I'm serious. I, I really liked someone."

"Ron, did you like _Arwen?_"

"Maybe."

"You did didn't you?"

"Can we just not talk about it? Please? I'm still getting over it."

"But talking is a good thing-"

"Hermione, just leave it ok?" Harry interrupted. "We're all dealing with this freaky thing in our own way. I mean, Voldemort's tried to hurt me before, but no one's **died.** Except for Quirrell, and I don't think he exactly counts. Now you may deal with this your way, which is talking about it. Ron here really can't see how you can talk about it, and personally I need some time alone just to accept it. So _please_ Hermione, for our sake, just leave it."

"Fine. I'll leave it. But I really need someone to talk to, and if you're not going to help, then I'll go find someone who will," Hermione snapped and stalked off and up the stairs.

"Ok, that really didn't go over well." Harry grimaced.

"Thanks though Harry. If she had kept pushing, I think I might have been sick. I was right there when it happened. I really just don't want to think about it. I'll never see her again." Ron sniffled a bit, and covered his eyes. "I'm just going to go upstairs for a bit," and hurried up to the dorms.

"Well. That conversation went just wonderfully." Harry muttered to himself, and went to sit with Spike.

Andrew stood in the entryway to Hogwarts looking around in amazement. The Lucy person had left to go find a teacher, and he was stuck standing here until she came back. But that didn't mean he had to be bored.

"I'm James Bond, infiltrating enemy territory by using my suave manliness to charm the sexy aid to the evil villain. I have to be secret. I can't be seen by anyone else," he started running around and hiding in shadows, then jumping out and doing a flying somersault to get to the next corner. Lucy walked in on him rolling across the floor with his hands held like a fake gun.

"Ok Andrew, we know you like to be obsessive, but isn't this a bit much? Come on, we're going to see Dumbledore. Maybe he'll give you a job as a janitor." The two walked through the hallways and to the stairs leading to Dumbledore's office.

_Into the lion's den,_ thought Andrew._ I have to keep my cool, be mysterious and smart. I have to outwit him and get Spike and Buffy to come back. Stupid First. He just had to go and appear so that we needed Buffy back. Then I had to be the one to go and get her. Huh. But I'll defeat this Dumbledore character using my superior wits and my cool intellect when others are in danger._ They reached the top of the stairs and Lucy smiled at Andrew.

"Ok you cute little poofter, I have to go now, but Dumbledore's in there." And with that she turned around and left. Andrew stood for a moment, his mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out. Finally he managed a soft squeak that sounded a little bit like "You're leaving!"

A half hour later Andrew found himself walking into the Hufflepuff common room. There were still a few of the older students up finishing their homework, but most of the Hufflepuffs went to bed promptly at 9:00.

"Uh, hi." Andrew stuttered. He wasn't quite sure how he had gotten here, but he knew it had involved a hat and him not being suave. There was something wrong with that picture.

Hi, newbie and welcome to Hufflepuff!" one of the girls smiled at him. "I'm Celia. What's your name?"

"I'm Andrew."

"Hi Andrew. I think you'll fit in just fine here in Hufflepuff. We try our hardest to make everyone feel welcome and wanted!" the girl was smiling so hard Andrew was afraid her face might get stuck that way. As he stood there watching the Hufflepuffs close in on him with their smiles and brightly colored pajamas involving bunnies and baby chicks, he knew with a certainty greater than when Willow had been chasing them, that he was doomed.

"Hey Spike." Spike glanced up at Harry, taking his eyes off Linnea for only a moment before going back to staring.

"Hi,"

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

"Go ahead. Do whatever you feel like. It's not my choice." Harry sat down.

"Um, this could just be me, but you seem a little bit off. It's not like I've known you for a long time, but you don't seem like the kind of guy to brood like this."

"Well it's not my fault. It's not like it's easy, thinking you've found your soul mate, and pretty much telling everyone that and then finding out that she actually means nothing to you compared with what some girl you only just meant does. Doesn't really inspire confidence in trusting your emotions anymore. I mean, what if I try to get her to like me, and tell her how much I love her, blah, blah blah, then it turns out that I meet someone else and suddenly she's nothing to me except a good friend?"

"Well I'm really not the expert seeing as I've only had one girlfriend, and we've had a rather odd relationship anyway. Most people don't have to save their girlfriend from their parents' murderer. But if you ask me, you should really think about how you feel. Is it just an obsession-you want her because you can't have her? Or is it that you can't live without her? When you can't see her, and when you're not around her, it actually hurts? I mean, sometimes even physically hurts. If all you can think about is making her happy, and the only way **you **can be happy is by being with her. And sometimes that means just talking, not kissing or anything like that, just sitting together, watching a good movie maybe, or just hanging out. If that's how it feels, then I'd say go with it. If it's just that you need her because she's hot, or because she's another Slayer, or something like that, then it's not real. But in the end you're the one who has to be the judge."

"You know, for being some random British kid who's only had one girlfriend, you're pretty good at describing how this feels." Spike raised an eyebrow. The random girl Olivia suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

"YOU DID THE EYEBROW THING! YES!" then disappeared.

"Ok. That was weird. Anyway, I know about it because I've felt it. I don't know about having thought you were in love, but I know about knowing you're in love. Actually, I haven't seen Elizabeth much lately. S'cuse me, I need to go see my girlfriend."

"Bloody poofter. Can't just give advice like that and then run away, s'not ethical. Well, s'now or never." He looked over at Linnea. "I have to do something." He paused for a moment. "Oh god no. Bloody stupid impulses of being in a fanfiction. I will NOT do that."

"Oh yes you will, or you'll never get Linnea," the narrator informed him. "So you better hurry up and start planning, or someone else will get her first."

"Fine then. But you're a shirty poofter too."

"What's a poofter?"

"You're British too, figure it out!"

Hermione reached the top of the stairs in the girl's dorms and paused for a moment. She wasn't sure she wanted to be spilling her heart out to someone she barely knew, but there wasn't anyone else she could go to. She sighed and knocked on the door.

"Come in," came Buffy's voice. Hermione opened the door and stepped into Buffy's room. It was a little bit odd, especially since she's never even known the room existed until recently.

"What's up?" Buffy asked from the kitchenette where she was making a sandwich.

"Um, I kind of heard you were a shrink where you used to live,"

"I was a counselor. Not the same thing, but I guess for you it must seem pretty close."

"Yeah, well I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure. Just have a seat and I'll be right over," Hermione sat down feeling acutely uncomfortable, and Buffy joined her a moment later.

"You want something?" she asked, nodding towards the kitchen.

"No that's ok. I'm fine."

"So, what do you need to talk about?"

"You know that whole thing with Voldemort?"

"Yeah."

"I knew a lot of people who died. I just don't know how to deal. I'm scared and sad, and no one will talk to me. Harry and Ron just want "time alone" to get over it. If I don't get out how I feel, I think I might go crazy."

"I'm really glad you came to me. Death is a really hard thing to deal with, believe me I know, and it's almost impossible to get over it without someone to talk to. So, just let everything out."

Two hours later Hermione left Buffy's room, feeling a lot less confused, but a lot more stressed, as she hadn't finished her homework yet.

"Thank you so much Buffy. I really needed that." Buffy just smiled tiredly. It would take a while to clean up all the dirty Kleenex from the living room floor and coffee table, but it was worth it. And now she had an idea that she felt would be good for everyone involved in the incident. "Well, I have to go finish my homework, see ya."

The next morning Linnea woke up to sun shining directly in her face.

"Ok who opened the window shade!" she demanded angrily, pulling her covers over her face and opening her eyes slowly to let them adjust. She had issues with too much light. No one answered. "Hermione?" No answer. Linnea lowered the covers slightly and looked around. Her eyes were still squinty, but she could see a little. There was no one in the room.

"Hello?" she threw the covers off and opened her eyes all the way. The room was empty and all the rest of the beds were neatly made. _Am I late?_ No, the clocks all said 7:00. Quickly Linnea changed out of her pajamas and walked out of the room…

Only to find Spike standing right outside her door. He was holding a microphone and behind him were a couple of the older boys who had a band.

1,2,1,2,3,4!" the drummer yelled, and the band started. And Spike sang.

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,  
I think you'll understand.  
When I'll say that something  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand.

Oh please, say to me  
you'll let me be your man  
and please, say to me  
you'll let me hold your hand.  
Now let me hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.  
It's such a feeling that my love  
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that something,  
I think you'll understand.  
When I'll say that something  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.  
It's such a feeling that my love  
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that something,  
I think you'll understand.  
When I'll feel that something  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand,  
I wanna hold your hand." Linnea stood for a moment with her mouth hanging open. He had stolen her plan! But he liked her too! Suddenly she grabbed the microphone from Spike and nodded at the band, which started again. 

"You'll never know how much I really love you  
You'll never know how much I really care  
Listen do you want to know a secret  
Do you promise not to tell whoa...  
Closer let me whisper in our ear  
Say the words you long to hear  
I'm in love with you, oo...  
Listen do you want to know a secret  
Do you promise not to tell whoa...  
Closer let me whisper in our ear  
Say the words you long to hear  
I'm in love with you, oo...  
I've known a secret for a week or two  
Nobody knows just we two  
Listen do you want to know a secret  
Do you promise not to tell whoa...  
Closer let me whisper in our ear  
Say the words you long to hear  
I'm in love with you, oo..." Spike had a reaction slightly more alive than Linnea's had been. Although he spent most of the song staring, by the end he had started to smile, and just as she finished the last word he stepped forward and kissed her in front of most of Gryffindor. People had been streaming out of their dormitories from the moment they heard the first notes of the songs, and now they all oohed and aahed at the sight that they had all seen about five times already that year. But for some reason, it never seemed to get old, because you could feel the love radiating from Spike and Linnea in waves, and it made everyone happy to see a happy couple get together.

Everyone except for one person. Buffy stood towards the back of the crowd, and when Spike stepped forward, she pushed her way out of the cramped area and up the stairs back to her room. Although she would have denied it, there were tears running down her face.

Oooh, dramatic ending! If anyone can spot the 10 Things I Hate About You reference in this chapter I'll dedicate the next chappie to you. Also I would like to thank Scarlet Lark for her WONDERFUL review. You actually gave me suggestions. tear Thank you. See, I gave you more characters this time! The only people I think I left out were the LOTR people, Elizabeth and Jack, and I'll definitely have Elizabeth and Jack in the next one. And Sam and Frodo will probably show up. So, you guys know what to do. It's the only way to say thank you for such a long chapter. This thing is like 10 pages long. One review can be the inspiration of an entire chapter. REVIEW!


	37. Chapter 37

Right, thank you to Scarlet Lark, my new favorite person in the universe. You are the first constructive criticism I have ever gotten! I LOVE YOU! This chapter goes out to you! The 10 Things reference was pretty much just one line that came out by accident and then I realized that it was actually from a movie. Hehe, I do that a lot. I'll see what I can do about a ghostie, not getting any big ideas right now, but I can see a general direction where it could go. Just not sure who. Peeves could be fun. Spike and Peeves driving eachother crazy. That could be interesting. Don't worry, there will be more on the Andrew front, I kind of forgot about him for a while. He might just be pleasantly surprised. Beatles do rock. They have a song for almost everything. The British slang thing was mostly because I wanted to stick in a line about poofters. I LOVE that word. Thanks also a bunch to Lucy, for her luvverly review. I'm not that much of a freak. Meani butt. Also, I just discovered a few reviews that apparently never showed up in my e-mail, so I'm going to reply to one from Elenrod about chapter 34. I DO SPELL CHECK! I guess it just doesn't like me very much. And do start watching Buffy. It's addicting. But I can stop any time I want to. Really. Anyway, this chappie I'll be sticking in Elizabeth, Jack, hopefully Andrew, Sam, Frodo, Aragorn, who I said had died, but I just realized he couldn't have. Sorry about that. Anyway, on with the show!

Our scene opens on the Hufflepuff common room. Students are slumped over chairs and couches, still wearing their footed pajamas and some of them holding empty glasses that, in a previous life, might have once held warm milk. Now they were empty, as said milk was currently spilled somewhere, either on the student or the floor. In the middle of the chaos lay Andrew, clutching a pair of Star Wars figurines. Slowly he stirred, twitching one eyebrow and squinting a single eye open a fraction of an inch.

"Oh the pain! The light, it _burns!_" he mumbled. Hesitantly he sat up and opened his eyes fully. He cast a glance around the room. Various other figurines were strewn throughout the debris and he could just see a Star Trek DVD sticking out of the couch. "What did we do?" a girl lying next to him sat up.

"Well, we asked you what kinds of things you liked, and you mentioned Star Wars. Then the other geeks came out of the woodwork, and the result sits before you. Pretty much we had a loser-fest."

"A loser-fest? I resent that."

"Ok, a sci-fi geek fest."

"That's better."

"So there are other people here who like Star Wars? I can't really remember much of last night."

"_Like?_ I don't know if that word encompasses the overwhelming, obsessive love these people have for Star Wars. And Star Trek. And James Bond. And Lord of the Rings. Basically if it's a geek thing, they like it. We're a house of geeks and losers. Get used to it and join in the insanity."

"Oh. I think I'm going to like it here."

"Well based on last night, I'd say you'll be their new leader. Anything you say is cool, it'll be cool. Whatever you say, goes. You'll be worshipped, almost as much as the movies themselves. Be prepared to be scared."

"Hermione, where were you last night?" Jack inquired.

"I was in my dorm, where I was supposed to be." Hermione answered evasively.

"Yeah sure, cause you blow off our dates all the time to be 'where you're supposed to be'."

"I was talking to Buffy, ok?"

"About what?"

"Stuff. Actually I forgot we had plans. I was talking to Ron and Harry and they were being stupid. I was kind of disturbed by the Voldemort thing and I wanted to talk about it with someone, but they wouldn't. I got completely fed up with them, so I went and talked to Buffy because she's a counselor."

"Why didn't you want to talk to me?"

"I didn't think of you. I just figured Buffy would know what to do, because she might have had to deal with something like this before."

"So you'd rather talk to someone who you barely know but who has 'experience' than talk to me?"

"NO! It's not like that at all!"

"Sure. I just think you don't trust me anymore. What do you want me to sing to you again and then we'll be happy for another two chapters? No, I'm sorry, but I have to take a stand. You've been ignoring me completely for too long. I really don't think this is working, especially if you don't trust me enough to come and talk if something is bugging you."

"Well if that's how you feel then fine! I don't want to date someone who's completely _paranoid!_ Talking to Buffy had nothing to do with you, and you had no reason whatsoever to think it was a reflection on you. But if you can't deal with me not spending all my time with you, then I'll just spend _no_ time with you!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!" the narrator screamed.

"WHAT!" Hermione and Jack both yelled at the narrator.

"I just felt left out. And besides, you sound like two year olds."

"SHUT UP! You're not involved in this conversation." Hermione and Jack retorted in complete synch.

"I'm just saying you're both making a huge mistake. I mean, if that last sentence didn't completely cement it. Oh come on, you don't see it? Now that's just sad, and if you're _that _our of it, then I'm not even going to try."

Meanwhile, in a house somewhere in England, our long neglected character Aragorn was busy braiding Wormtail's hair.

"You know you really need to condition more."

"I know, but Voldemort's schedule is so bloody full. He won't give me any time off. It's just 'Kill this, destroy that, ruin so and so's life'. How is a person supposed to take it? And you don't even _want _to know about the guilt."

"Guilt? I thought you were an evil mastermind's slave. Generally they have no conscience."

"Well thanks for the stereotype hon, but being around you has made me look at life in a different life. I mean, how would _I _feel if someone came along and killed you? I wouldn't feel so good. I'm starting to think maybe Voldemort's been pretty mean lately."

"No really?"

"No need to be sarcastic. I'm just saying. He's been-" Wormtail cut himself off as the aforementioned super-villian entered the room.

"I'm what? Really do continue, I love to hear about myself."

"You're, uh, just doing so well. I mean that last plan, it actually almost worked. I think we should, um, just have a-a a party! Right, to celebrate your victory over that bloody sod Harry Potter."

"Wormtail, you're a genius. How would I survive without you?"

"I don't know sir."

"Well, give yourself a pat on the back, and I'll make sure you get some more Digimon DVDs." Voldemort smiled at his little minion and left.

"We need to get out. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I mean, yeah, I get free Digimon, but he's driving me **crazy**! Let's run away!"

"Where?"

"Oooh, let's go to Hogsmeade, I've always wanted to visit there! We can rent an apartment, and live all on our own. My first house!"

"Mine too! Well other than the palace, but that place wasn't exactly private. I mean, just about anyone could get in there. The security was just pathetic. **Rivendell** had better security than that dump. But Hogsmeade gets my vote."

"Hogsmeade it is!"

Spike and Elizabeth made their way slowly down a corridor, trying to find their double Charms class, and both failing miserably. You'd think a vampire would be able to sense a magic classroom, but apparently not. Loser.

"So the bloody poofters just come out of their dorm rooms and listen to my private conversation with Linnea. I mean, it wasn't as if we were blasting it to high heaven. We were just singing to each other. And then they watch us kiss. There is truly no privacy here."

"What's a poofter?"

"Figure it out, you're British too."

"That is _not _British by any stretch of the imagination. Any word as vulgar as that must be American."

"Are you calling me vulgar?"

"Maybe."

"Well thank you."

"I don't understand you."

"Not much of anyone does. He's a neutered vampire who is so lame he can't even come up with an original plight. He has to go and steal one from the ex of the girl he used to be stalking. And after stalking her for a good year, and even following her here, he suddenly decides he doesn't like her anymore. I seriously doubt anyone could understand anyone as messed up as him. He's just a loser." Peeves came flying out of the wall with his thumb and his finger making an L on his forehead. "Loooooooooossssseeeeeeerrrrrr,"

"Oh thanks. At least I'm not a pathetic attempt at a ghost who can't feel good about himself unless he's insulting vampires. Which, by the way is not a very intelligent thing to do. Although if you're spectral it might not be so bad. I mean, you can't feel anything. You're not even real. You're just, what, spare bits of plasma leftover because someone decided you were so annoying when you were alive that they had to kill you. And yet you still hang around. Don't you get that no one wants you here?"

"Oh, you've gone and hurt my feelings. Oh wait, I can't feel anything. Too bad for you, otherwise that might actually have been a good insult. But you're just too stupid to realize that I couldn't care less what you think. And at least I'm not chasing a new girl every two months like you. I'm my own man…ghost….thing."

"Yeah, well at least I'm not a poofter!"

"**WHAT'S A POOFTER?"** screamed Elizabeth, the narrator, Peeves and some random students that happened to be passing them at the time.

"YOU FIGURE IT OUR, YOU'RE BRITISH TOO!"

"Ok, both of you just break it up and stop acting like you're two," Elizabeth stepped between the quarreling pair. "Right, I'm standing in between an angry vampire and a crazy ghost. I really think I should be moving right about now," she delicately removed herself from aforesaid position and fled down the hall.

"As much as I'd love to stay and finish this discussion, I have to go to class," Spike smiled sarcastically at Peeves.

"Oh that's right, I forgot you had to go study with the 14 year olds. I'm surprised you're even keeping up in those classes. Their intellect is so far superior to your own."

"You'd better be glad you can't get beaten up,"

Sam walked in to the library with Buffy, terrified in the sense that he could barely tell what he was doing. He had no idea what he was talking about with his "girlfriend", something involving Linnea. God, did Buffy have an obsession with that girl. It was unhealthy. Frodo was sitting at a table in plain view of the entrance of the library. He looked up and saw Sam and Buffy arm in arm, giggling and talking. He stared for a moment, his big, blue eyes gazing mournfully across the room. Sam tried to look nonchalant and failed miserably.

"Hey Frodo," he smiled as they passed, his voice squeaking. He hadn't known when he called Buffy just how scary it would be to play this game in front of Frodo. He didn't want to hurt the hobbit, he loved him. And his big, blue eyes. So big and blue.

"Hi Sam. Hi uh, I don't think I know you,"

"I'm Buffy, Buffy Summers,"

"Oh yeah. I heard about you and Sam. I um, I'm just going to leave now," Frodo gathered his books hurriedly and rushed out of the library, his head ducked. Sam watched him go, his heart somewhere around his throat.

"I don't think this is going to work Buffy," he mumbled.

"Yeah. Neither do I. I actually meant to talk to you about that. I want Spike back, and now he's obsessed with some other random girl? I really don't think this is working."

"Ok. You found out I was gay and dumped me?"

"NO! You make me look all prejudiced and stuff." Buffy replied indignantly.

"Yeah well you are prejudiced. I mean look at the way you judge vampires before you even meet them. They could be perfectly nice people, but you just go around killing them."

"They have no souls, sweetie. It's hard for them to be nice when they don't have a conscience to tell them to be nice. They aren't even people."

"Don't call me sweetie. And fine, you saw me looking at Frodo and thought I was still in love with him."

"Ok. We are officially just friends."

"Right." They glanced at each other and then hurriedly tore in opposite directions, as fast as they could go without looking suspicious.

"Yes, that wasn't tense in any way shape or form. I love being in an angsty love story. I get to laugh at this soap opera of life." The narrator giggled quietly to herself.

Ok, so we have at least a short update about everyone. Let me know who you want more of, and if you want me to cut anyone. Other than Buffy characters since they're new. And be happy this one came so fast and is pretty long too. So you know what to do…REVIEW! One review spawned this entire chapter. You could inspire the next one. All you have to do is press that button and make me feel dandy about myself.


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